


Turbulence

by laurensdirection



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-01-13 00:25:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18457712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurensdirection/pseuds/laurensdirection
Summary: Inspired by some of the terrible or rude MC’s/Interviewers who say insensitive things or ask stupid questions to Monsta X. Kihyun is starting to feel like he may not belong in the group after all. He's been made fun of for years. He loves the members so he can take their jokes - but sometimes… it’s just too much. Being an idol is not always sunshine and roses.This is that story.





	1. Chapter 1

For some reason, this van ride to their schedule was taking far too long. Kihyun, bleary eyed and yawning, kept staring out the window hoping they’d move further along in traffic. He internally cursed and complained, which wasn’t like him. The lack of sleep the last few days had been getting to him more than ever before. Resting his hand against his neck, he pushed against his sore muscles, hoping for relief.

He groaned aloud and Mihyunk sitting next to him quietly listening to music, even looked over with a curious look. His eyebrows knit together in question, but didn’t say anything further.

Kihyun shrugged, reaching up to scratch his head, effectively ruffling his medium-brown hair. He knew the stylists and hairdressers would fix him up later to be camera ready. They’d make the bags under his eyes disappear with makeup, and the studio lights during their interview would brighten their complexions. He’d felt quite pale lately, with the lack of sleep and winter conditions. The air was cold and dry.

Behind him Hyungwon dozed off in the van, always catching sleep when he could. He was the member who would normally take his time off to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more. One time Shownu swore he slept for three days and two nights straight. Looking back at him now Kihyun thought he seemed quite peaceful, despite the chaotic schedules they were keeping.

It had been a busy year for Monsta X. A busy four years, really. Since being trainee’s, they’d practiced and developed their skills to do this very job. To sing, and dance, and perform, and be idols for their fans. It was all they ever wanted, to debut.

But today Kihyun couldn’t help but think of their grueling pace. The comparisons to other groups. The criticism and negativity. Lately it was affecting him more than usual.  

Mostly Kihyun felt happy to Monbebe, their fans, and his lifestyle for giving him every opportunity to succeed and shine in the world of KPOP. He had so many good memories at music shows, concerts, fan-signs, and all the traveling around the world to see them. It kept him going day after day, remembering why it was all worth it.

Instead of focusing on those thoughts, Kihyun sipped more of his iced Americano and just tried to clear his head completely. It was difficult with the brain fog from lack of sleep and the stressful schedules they had been keeping.

They were due to comeback within the week and they were booked for interviews, radio shows, music shows, fittings, dance practices, and meetings for their world tour. It seemed never ending. He took to endlessly checking their schedules posted on each of their phones, and monitoring emails or messages from their managers about their comeback.

Kihyun was letting the stress get to him too much this time and he hated feeling so out of it. They practiced hours each day, and he was losing weight too rapidly. Looking down at his wrist, it seemed slimmer than normal. It was hard to eat regular meals, let alone find quiet hours to sleep in a row. Kihyun longed for some alone time, even. He clasped his hands together, as if in prayer. There was a slight warmth between them.

From the driver’s seat, their manager announced quietly, “we’re here,” and that was enough to pull Kihyun back into the present.

They were about to film their first comeback announcement and performance. It was scary, finally realizing they were going to show off this new album to the world. His vocals were difficult in this new song, and he hoped people would like it. The more popular they became the more pressure he put on himself. Kihyun could feel tension underneath his temples, a headache forming, maybe. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Kihyun drank the final sips of his coffee, looking out the window at the neighborhood they were pulling up to. With deep, steadying breaths, he tried his best to be ready for the day ahead.

**********

For hours Kihyun was pushed and pulled through hair and make-up, worked with their stylists on a casual, but easy outfit for the interview, and they talked through the interview topics to make sure every member understood what they were going to film. They’d worked with the network and MC’s before on all their other comebacks, so they were used to this particular show.

Kihyun tried to joke around with the other member’s as they were getting fitted with personal  microphones. Hyungwon came up behind him, “Kihyun, why are you wearing a blanket?” he laughed, Shownu sitting near them did too.

Minhyuk, standing next to Kihyun, fingered the knit fabric in response. “It is a little big on you,” he said softly, his lips quirking up in response. Did they notice how skinny he was getting too?

“It’s cozy!” Kihyun retorted, “leave me be comfortable.” Hoseok noticed him pouting as he walked towards the members. The stylist dressed Kihyun in a simple pair of blue jeans and an oversized blue sweater. On the other hand, Hoseok looked so handsome in tight skinny jeans that fit him so well and a plain button down shirt. The top two buttons were left undone and he looked effortlessly good, like most of the other members. Hoseok had also gotten skinnier this comeback, with lots of dieting and exercise, but kept a lot of muscle.

Kihyun prefered covering up these days and their stylist agreed. He didn’t have the best body among the members, so he didn’t need to show it off with certain types of clothes. He supposed his best feature was his chest and neckline, but that was hardly sexy when most people saw the glory that was Hoseok and Shownu, or the model beauty of Hyungwon or Minhyuk.

Hoseok sided up to Kihyun, wrapping his arm around his waist and squeezing his side. Their bodies molded together side to side while Hoseok said, “Kihyunnie looks cute, doesn’t he?” smiling down at him brightly, with his white straight teeth. He looked tired too, but was in a happy mood. He squeezed his side once more while the rest of the others mumbled and agreed, already talking about something else entirely.

Moving into the studio space, Kihyun was distracted by the bright lights that made his headache worse, barely hearing the directions given to the members. Kihyun stood at the back of the group, letting Hoseok and Minhyuk speak up more. Nodding aimlessly, he played with the hem of his blue sweater.

Although he’d had two more Americano’s, he still felt tired. 

“Kihyun… Kihyun-ah!” someone yelled in front of him.

It took a few seconds to realize he heard his name and he snapped his head up. His fingers fumbled and his hand fell to his side. Jooheon stood in front of him, so he couldn’t see.

“What?” he responded, peeking his head around the members.

It was Changkyun trying to get his attention.

“Focus!” he gestured with a hand motion and a serious look in his eyes. Changkyun stood next to the the producer. “We’re filming the intro now, come to the front,” he urged.

Kihyun nodded, walking around the other members with short strides. He shook his head slightly back and forth and took a deep clearing breath. Smoothing his hands over his sweater, he righted his clothes. Looking down, his dark blue jeans looked nice with his white sneakers. He picked them out online shopping a few weeks ago. The stylists kept his hair mostly unstyled and straight. He raised his head up slowly, ready for the cue from the producer.

“Three…. Two…. ” the tall, older man said near them, with a direct look at Kihyun and Changkyun.

In those seconds, he transformed. Gone was the stress wrinkles around his eyes, replaced with happiness and light heartedness that usually filled them. He put a big smile on his face, and thought about nothing but their fans around the world who would see this interview and hear their new music soon. Their smiling faces. Their love for MONSTA X music. How they loved his vocals and dancing. 

Those thoughts alone could sustain him through this interview… or so he desperately hoped.

“One…..” the man finally said, cameras ready and rolling around them. Kihyun lead the group forward, proudly hearing their name announced. “Here is… MONSTA X!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi all - thanks to many of you for commenting and giving me kudos already! if you want to find me on twitter, add me @misslauren514! we can stan kiho and love them together. 
> 
> for reference, this fic is definitely inspired by some of the 2018/2019 promo they went through, but it's not explicitly based off just once instance. 
> 
> this is definitely a bit AU! as it's my own version of kihyun and the other members. and in true hurt/comfort fashion... it's going to get worse before it gets better. thank you for enjoying this with me. 
> 
> all fiction, all love.

This interview was like many others. It took a few hours of filming to get about an hour of content. They talked about their new album, performed their new song, and did even a dance challenge with Shownu and Hyungwon. Hoseok explained how he composes songs and comes up with such beautiful lyrics. IM rapped freestyle about his favorite food, and Jooheon talked about his cats.

Kihyun stayed quiet chiming in here or there. He found it easy to smile and go about the interview since much of the focus wasn’t on him until their very last segment.

“We’ve had one group member that’s been awfully quiet today, and so we have an extra fun segment to get to know our favorite vocal… Kihyun!” the MC announced loudly. The other members laughed and smiled.

Kihyun clasped his hands together, remembering vaguely they ran this idea by him earlier. Smiling, he waited for the MC’s to continue. The game was to have other members help describe his personality, any of his favorite things, or facts about him. They passed out whiteboards and markers amongst the members, all anticipating this segment.

“Kihyun-ssi, let’s have you move your chair to the middle so we can focus on you,” the MC asked.  He smiled and laughed as he did, sitting so he could see both the MC’s and his other members. On the inside his insides flared with worry and he pondered what the questions would be about.

Out of the corner of his eye, the cameras turned on him so he made sure to smile and show lots of cuteness. He sat back on his chair, resting his hands on his knees, biting his lip cutely.

“Are you ready to get started, Monsta X?” The first MC asked in a happy voice.

“Yes!” Shouted Hoseok, giggling. The rest of the members replied back “Yes!” in more unison. Kihyun couldn’t help but laugh at them.

The questions started out simple. Mostly, it was a quiz for the members about him. Kihyun’s hometown. Kihyun’s favorite kind of movie or TV shows. Kihyun’s best physical feature.

Kihyun felt the mood change when the second MC asked, “Think of one word you as a member would use to describe Kihyun.”

Starting with Minhyuk, who now looked mischievous, turned his board to show what he wrote. “Narcissist” it read to which Kihyun shook his head, but tried to smirk at for the camera’s sake.

IM wrote “sensitive” which was true, but only sometimes.

Shownu laughed that he wrote “nag” and explained how Kihyun urges the members to clean up after themselves far too much.

Hoseok was kind and wrote “unique voice,” to which Kihyun couldn’t help but genuinely smile and feel better. Hoseok shared how during every album Kihyun spends lots of time rehearsing and practicing before recording to make each song perfect.

Jooheon wrote “stressed” and took some time to explain how sometimes when Kihyun gets stressed, he stresses the rest of the group out. Jooheon emphasized how they don’t like it and wish Kihyun wasn’t like that. The other members agreed loudly.

“I don’t try to! Really!” Kihyun reasoned, but nobody was listening. The group around him was laughing with the MC’s and enjoying this questions. The first MC even said, “This is very telling!”

It took effort to not look down at his pants and cover his ears, which he could feel had turned red. He didn’t know how to react. His head throbbed and the back of his neck felt too warm against his sweater. Why were the member’s being like this? He couldn’t understand.

It was Hyungwon’s response that took awhile to explain. Kihyun watched as Hyungwon took seconds to think of and write his response, then turned his whiteboard around to show it: “main vocal.” Kihyun was surprised and started to perk up until Hyungwon shared aloud, “it’s the only reason we keep him around.” Him and the other members laughed in on the joke, but Kihyun didn’t. “Otherwise we might kick him out of the dorm.” Minhyuk laughed the loudest, slapping his hands against his legs and bumping into Jooheon.

The MC’s laughed and cheered while Kihyun tried not to squirm in his seat. He felt flushed all over and didn’t know how to hide it. Shame crested like a wave in his belly, filling each part of his body.

Hoseok only smiled a little, but it was IM who added, “Let’s be nice to hyung.. He’s a little sensitive?” He laughed, knowing what his own response was earlier. The other members agreed, nodding, and Shownu saying softly, “yes, yes, let’s be nice to Kihyun.”

He sighed, nodding to the other members and trying to hold it together. These feelings were so foreign. For so long, he could just hold it all in… but today felt different. His composure was gone and the light he had tried so hard to have during this interview was doused out with water.

The next few minutes felt like a blur. Kihyun laughed and smiled at all the right places from years of practice, yet took all the jokes in with emptiness in his eyes. Inside he was tangled up and constricting, unsure if he was feeling sick. Did they really think like that? Do they not like his personality at all? His thoughts kept running a mile a minute.

Shaking his head, he had to bring himself back to the present. He pressed his hands against his neck and pretended to fix his hair.

The MC’s finished with questions about Kihyun’s favorite foods, which the members described as chicken, rice, and special stir-fry noodles from Japan.

The first MC used that as an opportunity to ask about Monsta X’s future travel plans. “Is a tour in the schedule for 2019?”

“We can’t say..” Jooheon started, “But we do love food from all over the world, so we hope to try more and more someday.” He smiled brightly, and Hyungwon patted him on the back for his answer. He didn’t give any spoilers, which he and Hoseok were all too known for.

They wrapped up the interview with some of the other members sharing more about the new album and describing the title track. They finished with Shownu showcasing some key moves they’d see in the upcoming performances. It was the usual speech and Kihyun was grateful for the routine of these interviews, especially today.

As the producer yelled “CUT,” they all began leaving their seats and bowing to the MC’s and other crew members. Still wanting to be polite, he thanked everyone around him sincerely.

Leaving the set, Kihyun immediately curled his shoulders in and felt the insides of his stomach push and pull back and forth. Up ahead, he saw his managers and their whole team near their dressing room. Spots covered his vision, and his head felt a rush of warmth. He was feeling so much at once.

In seconds, it caught up to him that this interview... that question about him, the other member’s answers… everyone would see it. It was a stupid realization, because of course they would. His insides constricted so tight and his anxiety flared, flushing through his whole body. His palms felt sweaty as he murmured, “bathroom” and ran to it, away from their dressing room, quickly shutting and locking the door. Thankfully, none of the other members were in this hallway to notice him.

Leaning up against the wooden door for support, he took steadying breaths over and over again, but they didn’t help. Despite being still, he felt dizzy and warm. The jittery feeling was back, but his stomach was in knots. Why did they need to say those things about him in the interview? Were they being sincere? Was he that bad in the dorm? The waves washed over him, and within a minute, Kihyun slid down the door as his legs started to tremble.

Sitting on the dirty floor, he pulled up his legs and bowed his head between his knees.

Slowly, his breathing steadied out and his mind began to clear. Rubbing his hands against his jeans, he realized his palms had been sweaty, his forehead too. The back of his neck felt damp. Kihyun didn’t know if seconds or minutes had passed.

Not knowing if he could stand, he remained on the floor. The bathroom was dirty. The tile and grout work had seen better days, and the mirror had prints all over it. He took in these details, letting his mind wander and recovered his breathing to a normal rate. Shakily, he used the door handle for support, but managed to stand on his feet. It wasn’t but a few seconds later that someone knocked, “Kihyun?” and he heard his managers voice.

“Yes,” he rasped out, his voice not fully there.

“You okay?”

“Just a minute,” he said louder, steadying his tone. Eyeing the sink, Kihyun walked closer and turned on the cold water. Rinsing his hands, it felt cold and refreshing between his fingers. Not caring about his make up, he splashed water on his face. The cold water soothed his flushed body. He continued to rub water on his neck, massaging the tension he felt there.

Feeling more normal than he had before, he dried his hands on a towel and prepared to go back out by the others. They had more things left on their schedule today, so he had to brave the outside world, despite the feelings he had inside.

Another knock on the door came as he was about the leave. He opened the door, intending on seeing his manager but instead saw “Hoseok...”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with me, everyone. if you want to follow me on twitter or chat more about our mutual love for kihyun, wonho, monsta x, etc, please do. @misslauren514.

“Kihyun-ah, where have you been? In here? Are you okay?” Hoseok blurted out, his eyes scanning him up and down. He paused on his face, looking with the softest expression.

“Hyung, m’fine,” he replied to assure him. Kihyun pushed past and walked through the hallway a few steps. He felt Hoseok at behind him, with no distance between them. It was all of a few seconds when Hoseok curled up against his back, fingering his hair at the nape of Kihyun's neck.

“Why is this part wet?” He looked sad, pulling around to face Kihyun. “Are you sick, what’s going on?” He didn’t let up this time holding onto Kihyun’s arm. The younger member tried not to flinch. The touch was a shock to his body. 

“I wasn’t feeling well.. But I’ll be fine,” he tried tugging away. “I’ll be fine,” he said again, a bit exasperated. 

“Okay, okay,” Hoseok replied, sensing Kihyun’s frustration. “We’re packing up to leave, the vans are ready.”

Kihyun nodded, walking in the dressing room to grab his bag. He went straight to the chair he left it on but couldn't find it. The other member’s stuff is gone too. Frantic, he tugged at his clothes, fraying some of the knit edges in the hem. He couldn't care less about the stylists' sweater.

Where did it go? He couldn’t lose anything in his bag. It was the one he took everywhere he went. Running a hand through his hair, he tugged up the strands in disarray while scanning the room, with eyes that were too distracted to really look. Moisture pooled in the corner of his eyes.

Changkyun came near him very quietly holding out his leather bag with his long arms. Kihyun put a hand on his heart, startled from not noticing their youngest member. He wore an oversized sweater too, but it didn’t look that ridiculous on his lanky frame. He sighed in relief and grabbed the bag from his hands and clutched it to his chest.

“We didn’t know where you went off to. I didn’t want you to leave this behind,” Changkyun explained. His eyes looked weary and focused on many spots in the room, as if he didn’t want to look Kihyun directly in the eye.

“Thanks,” Kihyun mumbled, now ready to leave. He looked around for his coat. He came in with one of those, right? His mind felt so scrambled and unfocused.  

Changkyun noticed his confusion. “Hyung, what are you looking for?”

“My coat… my coat,” Kihyun said, his voice breaking on the last word. He put his bag down to wander through the dressing room. It was so messy since the hairstylists and make-up artists hadn’t packed up yet. Their dressing rooms were normally chaotic and today was no different. Yet everything was different. 

“My coat.. Where did I..” he questioned, pulling at his hair nervously again. Other staff looked at him with confused expressions.

“Did you leave it in the van? I didn’t see a coat..” Changkyun offered.

The van… maybe he’d left it in the van. Kihyun nodded automatically. It was there, surely.

“Hyung..” Changkyun came closer, putting one step between them. When Kihyun looked up, it startled him to look Changkyun right in the eyes. Dark eyes that expressed worry and regret. Kihyun gasped softly and put a hand on his own chest, steadying his breathing.

“Hyung, are you okay? You’re.. You don’t look so good,” the younger member said in a soft, careful tone. He raised his arm to rub Kihyun’s shoulder or steady him. He wasn’t entirely sure.

“M’fine,” he repeated the same words he said to their Manager and Hoseok. He didn’t want to explain anything to anyone, especially when he hardly could describe what was going on to himself. He couldn’t tell anyone he almost fainted… or that he was so close to crying and just giving up. He just wanted to sleep. To rest. To have some time alone. To block out all of the noise.

Instead, they had more schedules ahead. The thought made Kihyun ache… but he could get through it. He always did in these tough times. There were times after debuting.. Or between promotions that he felt like this too, and he mostly kept it inside. He’d do it again this time, too. 

Grabbing his bag, he put the strap on his shoulder and walked towards the door. “Should we go?” He asked to no one in particular. Kihyun didn’t wait to hear an answer, leaving Changkyun behind him, feeling the weight of his stare through his back. He didn't care where the other members were. 

Every ounce of energy within him propelled him forward, keeping him _just_ hanging on... even if it was by a thread.

Earlier in the day, they split the vans with Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon in one, the other four members in the other. Kihyun went in first, hoping to get a spot in the back. He saw his coat right away, sliding it on for warmth and comfort. Sinking into the back seat, he spread out to claim the whole row, putting his bag next to him. Finding his phone and headphones in his bag, he turned on some music and curled up in the seat, using his coat as a cocoon.

For the first time all day, he took a deep breath that filled his lungs and softened his whole body. With more breaths, the feeling of relief coursed through his entire being with a steady wave. He didn’t even realize the moisture that filled the corners of his eyes, silently falling on his cheeks, or the goosebumps that covered his arms and neck. He wiped away at the tears, but kept his eyes closed while enjoying the sound of music in his ears.

Minutes later, he could feel that the van still hadn’t moved. Opening his eyes to change the song, he put on one of his favorite artists James Bay. Listening to “Scars,” a song he heard over a hundred times, Kihyun curled up to the side, putting his feet up on the seat and rested his head on his knees. It was as comfortable as he could get while the music and lyrics he knew all too well crashed through him.

Halfway into the song, he felt a rustling near him and was startled to see Hoseok sliding into the seat next to him and the van door closing behind him. Hyungwon and Minhyuk were settled in front of them.

Kihyun’s eyes widened at seeing Hoseok, his lips mouthing _why?_ He had traveled in the other van this morning. Hoseok just shrugged with his wide shoulders and took one of Kihyun’s hands that had been resting on his knees and pulled it down. Palm to palm, he interlaced fingers, curling around Kihyun’s smaller hand. Searching his face Hoseok seemed to be taking in inventory of Kihyun's red-rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks, and saddened expression. 

Kihyun tried to pull away but Hoseok mouthed _no_ and tightened his grip further for emphasis. Kihyun shook his head in defeat and closed his eyes once more. Resting his head atop his knees, he let the steady rhythm of the song croon in his ears on repeat.

Over time he began to feel Hoseok caress his fingers with his thumb. On a pressure point in his palm he rubbed in circles, slowly and carefully.

In those soft, tender moments Kihyun began to unravel from the day.

Slow, silent tears fell from his eyes once more in relief and regret. He was so, so tired. Their schedule was still stressful. Kihyun wasn’t sure how he was going to get through all of this… and this, this moment with Hoseok had him reeling. This comeback felt more weighted. They had more fans. More people watching them succeed… or fail. What if he wasn’t good enough?

As if sensing his thoughts, Hoseok pressed harder and clasped his other hand around Kihyun’s, caging it in. Kihyun was at his limit and began to pull away. He felt so exposed and the tears continued to fall without rest. Hoseok tugged back, using his considerable strength to keep their hands secure together.

Kihyun used his only weapon and slowly lifted his face, turning it to Hoseok. Seeing the fat tears freely falling Hoseok gasped and dropped their hands, his lower lip caught between his teeth. Every worried emotion and thought could be read on his hyung’s face. He was such an open book that way, while Kihyun was known for his secrets and hiding every sad emotion.

Kihyun blinked his eyes a few times, pulling both of his hands to his face to brush the tears away. Hoseok’s eyes never left his face. He took a few steadying breaths as best he could. It was the cycle of his day. Cry, then breathe. Cry, then breathe.

He stayed like that, cradling his face between his hands, when he felt Hoseok’s hand nudge at his knees. He pressed again and Kihyun looked up, shaking his head at the older member. Not just any member. His oldest friend. His best friend.

Kihyun moved his legs from the seat and put them on the floor of the van, facing the front again and away from Hoseok’s intense gaze. Not thwarted, Hoseok moved Kihyun’s bag to the other side and slid next to him, ignoring all seat belts and safety.

“I’m just going to sit here,” Hoseok said and Kihyun heard it over his headphones. “That’s it… nothing else.” Kihyun nodded, resigned.

They were sitting so close, but Kihyun didn’t bother worrying about it anymore. Hoseok had seen him at his best and now at his worst.

It was hard to admit, but Hoseok just being close to him made him feel calm. It had always been that way for him, yet he wasn’t sure why. They’d been friends the longest. That had to count for something.

While van continued through hectic traffic, Kihyun needed distraction. Seeking Hoseok scroll through his phone, Kihyun grabbed his own and scrolled through his private twitter, scanning hashtags and checking in on their fan pages. There was a lot of anticipation building. He wanted a successful comeback so damn bad. He wanted Monsta X to keep gaining recognition in Korea and across the world. It felt like their goals were out of reach.

On a particular feed, Kihyun saw a Monbebe asking about their interview today since many of them spotted them going in and out of the studio. There were photos of them he didn’t even realize someone took. It was naive of him, since paparazzi were everywhere they went. Finding himself in one he saw his pale face, his sad features.

He couldn’t look away.

Narcissist. Sensitive. Nag. Those words seemed written on his face, and breached through his every thought like a battering ram. His body flinched, startling Hoseok who now looked at him from the side. Kihyun shook his head back and forth, brushing it off. Kihyun tried to be confident on stage… sexy, charismatic, strong. The other members were like that, too, so how was he different? Was he really that bad? He didn’t know what to think anymore.

Instead, he looked at his phone to change songs when a notification came through. In his messages, he’d been ignoring the group chat all day. But this one was different.

HOSEOK HYUNG 4:18 PM: Can we talk later?

HOSEOK HYUNG 4:18 PM: Please?

Kihyun bit his lower lip, considering the request. He thought about it for a few more moments, then snuck a side glance at Hoseok. The older member was also looking at his phone, but stopped when he saw Kihyun move. The boys looked at each other as if reading each other’s minds. After a few seconds, Wonho mouthed _please_ and pouted, pushing his lower lip out.

  
Kihyun hesitantly nodded back once and mouthed _okay_. Hoseok smiled and squeezed Kihyun’s knee. His hand stayed there for awhile longer, just there, until they arrived at the company.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one has a bit more angst... bare with me. we're still going through it. 
> 
> @misslauren514 if you want to connect on twitter! kudos and comments are loved - so thanks to those who are supporting this fic!

At the company they had a long meeting about schedules and logistics. With music shows, interviews, photo shoots, and tour prep, they had full days ahead. They would barely be home to sleep or eat. Their managers discussed timing, schedules, transportation, outfits, even their condition and diets. Since they’d been dancing so much in rehearsals, many of them lost weight.

Like usual they sat in a Starship conference room around a big table. In front of them sat papers and schedules that Kihyun should’ve been looking through. Normally he was more diligent, attentive. Today he stared at the walls, the floor, and anything else that caught his eye.

He definitely didn’t notice each of the members and their managers look at him through worried eyes. Instead, he doodled on the paper in front of him, drawing little flowers and trees. Spending extra time on one of his images, he slipped accidentally screwing it up and angrily took the pen to scribble over it. While he scribbled furiously, Minhyuk, stopped speaking mid-sentence to look at Kihyun. It took a few seconds, but Kihyun noticed the silence in the room and looked up. He pursed his lips and mouthed _what?_ at Minhyuk, making small eye contact with the others. They all starred back and Kihyun awkwardly put the pen down and pushed the paper away.

Shaking his head, Minhyuk continued on asking about their future promotions in Japan.

Later on, Kihyun felt hungry deep in his belly. Rubbing his stomach, he sighed loudly startling Hyungwon to his left. He looked at Kihyun curiously. Ignoring Hyungwon, Kihyun watched Shownu eat countless snacks across the table and it dawned on him that he’d had no food all day. No wonder he felt so out of sorts. He clasped his hands together against the table, realizing how small and empty his hands felt.

“We’re wasting away here, Manager Yoon!” Hyungwon complained, throwing his hands in the air dramatically before laying across the table.

“Ya, ya..” their manager waved off their comments. “I suppose you are free to go! Set your alarms. Dance practice tomorrow at 9 am.” His tone was stern, but cheery. “Go eat!”

The members collectively cheered, Kihyun included, even just a little bit. He was genuinely happy that they could have some time to themselves.

Leaving the elevator and entering the building lobby, Kihyun pulled out his headphones and felt a hand grab his arm. Hoseok came into view. “Changkyun and I are going to the studio for a bit, but I’ll be home soon, okay? Will you wait up?” He pulled on his coat and waited for Kihyun’s response. Kihyun just shrugged and turned his music up.

“I’ll call you when I’m on my way,” Hoseok said boldly, rubbing Kihyun’s arm before walking off to the taxi in the distance. Both members got in and car and left quickly.

Everyone else went back to their dorm in a van and Kihyun went straight into his room and plopped on the bed dramatically. Both of his headphones fell out. Rubbing his stomach, he thought about what delicious food he wanted to eat and what show he wanted to watch on Netflix. Food and rest. That would make him happy.

His and Hoseok’s rooms were on the first floor next to their big living room and kitchen. He could hear the other members talking outside his door.

Jooheon argued with Shownu about dumplings. “But I want them!” he defended fiercely. Kihyun could hear the whine in his voice that sometimes worked on other members.

“We all want sweet and sour pork. Please come with us? We just had dumplings the other day,” Shownu reasoned as a good leader does.

“Fine, fine, fine. You’re lucky I love you,” Jooheon said grumbling and Kihyun smiled a bit at that. Jooheon didn’t like to admit defeat, but was probably too hungry to be stubborn.

Minhyuk cheered happily then yelled, “Hyungwon! Let’s go, we’re leaving!”

He bound down the stairs loudly to join the other three members. Kihyun could hear his heavy footfalls. “Is Kihyun-ah coming?” Hyungwon questioned.

“Did he come home with us?” Jooheon questioned back, genuinely seeming like he did not remember that Kihyun sat behind him the whole ride home. Kihyun’s eyebrows knit together and he bit his lip. How could Jooheon not remember that.

“I thought he did..” Shownu pondered out loud. “Kihyun-ah!” he yelled. Kihyun was too shocked to reply. Did they really not notice him get in the van after they did? Or get out at the dorm?

Shownu said his name once more, “Kihyun?” and with little pause, he concluded “Must not be here. Let’s just go, I’m starving.” After fumbling with shoes and coats, they left him home alone.

The whole house fell quiet. But it wasn’t the kind of quiet Kihyun imagined. This.. this quiet left him feeling hollow, and so, so empty. Laying on his back, a whoosh of air propelled out of his lungs and through his mouth with a desperate sigh. His body felt warm and cold at the same time. Everything felt strange. But mostly, he felt sad.

How was today even real? Did he mean nothing to his other members? Was he that forgettable? Was he that worthless?

He felt his blood move quickly through his body, like it was racing on a track. It pulsed at the same frequency his thoughts were moving. All over the place, frantic.

Everything felt foreign and familiar at the same time. Kihyun hadn’t felt this way for a long, long time. After debuting, he battled anxiety that crippled him. During practices, his voice wouldn’t come out. His dancing was slow and off beat. Day after day he built up to become the k-pop idol he needed to be. And finally, it worked. His self confidence became stronger and stronger. He could dance and sing as good as any idol. Or so he had thought.

His members seemed not to care. Kihyun’s pulse quickened and he felt tightness in his throat.

He began to put words to these feelings: stress, anxiety, shame. What it's like when it changes to panic… or sadness… or anger. And although he could start to name these feelings and reactions, he wasn't any closer to figuring them out. Not truly.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He took a full-body breath in and released it out. In… and out. Over and over, Kihyun breathed as deeply as he could. His heartbeat slowed, and he no longer felt heightened everywhere across his body.

As the physical sensations dissipate… the emotional turmoil remained.

How could they forget about him easily? As if he were never there. The interview flooded back in his mind, and he pictured the look on their faces when they explained their words to him. How did they get off saying those things to him? Did they really want him gone?

Maybe he would just leave.

Leave.

_Leave._

He could do that, right? Kihyun could leave.

Sitting up quickly, Kihyun used his arms to hold his body straight. He shook his head back and forth with eyes closed, feeling the rush from moving too quickly. Once he felt steady, he stood up and went into action.

First, Kihyun grabbed a large backpack from the back of his closet. He stuffed it with some clothes, joggers, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and other stuff he wasn’t sure he needed. His chargers were essential too. Since the house was empty, he took his time in the bathroom grabbing an extra toothbrush and his emergency stash of contact lenses. Back at his closet, he put on an old baseball cap he never had worn and a puffy coat. Nobody would notice him in this.

He didn’t allow himself to think about anything else as he shut the front door behind him.

Outside it was misting. Darkness set in and for once, Kihyun wasn’t sure which direction to go.

Instead, he just walked. Breathing in the night air calmed each step he took. He passed restaurants, shops, and started in on a neighborhood he didn’t recognize. Not caring, he continued further and further. Along the way, no one recognized him in his disguise.

Tonight he wasn’t an idol. He wasn’t a singer. He wasn’t in Monsta X. Tonight, he was just Yoo Kihyun. And that Kihyun continued to walk further and further away from home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @misslauren514 if you want to rant / yell at me for this. long(er) chapter. 
> 
> kihyun will get all the love he deserves, i promise!

It’s not even midnight when Hoseok and Changkyun got back to the dorm. For them, that’s early when they were used to crazy hours and working through the sunrise. 

As the taxi pulls up to their dorm, it’s drizzling and dreary so both men run quickly to the front door. Changkyun pulled the lever and held the door open for his hyung and they both ducked inside to the warmth of their house. 

Hoseok felt exhausted and could barely pull his shoes off. For the last few hours, he and Changkyun went to their studios, ordered some take out and worked on individual projects. Even during a busy comeback, they wasted no free time. Changkyun understood this drive, too.

Changkyun mumbled a sleepy goodnight and dragged himself up the stairs to the room he shared with Minhyuk. The rest of the dorm was quiet, so Hoseok assumed the other members were sleeping or busy. They didn’t always keep tabs on each other in their free time, since so much of their work time and schedules were together. It afforded them some freedom and individuality. Only sometimes.

Hoseok hurried to wash up before bed, enjoying a long, hot shower, and made sure to do his skincare like Kihyun taught him to. While putting on lotion, the bottle slipped out of his hand and clanked in the sink. With unsteady hands, he put the small bottle down on the counter, finally remembering that he was going to talk to Kihyun.

He could tell Kihyun had been much more stressed lately and they were a bit too hard on him during the interview taping. Kihyun usually controlled his emotions better than any of the members, but today he seemed like a different person. Hoseok thought about their team meeting when Kihyun didn’t pay attention for more than a few moments at a time.

It reminded him of how Kihyun acted a few years ago when he struggled a lot with singing. Those those months after debut, Kihyun kept all his struggles to himself. The members were worried when Kihyun was always off practicing alone extra hours, even on the longest days, so he could get get better at singing and their choreography. Hoseok hated that Kihyun suffered alone and he hated that he forgot about his best friend tonight. Kihyun was important.

Finishing his routine quickly, Hoseok used a small towel to dry his hair so it no longer dripped on the floor, and he ran to his room to put on a pair of boxer briefs and hang up his towel.

After, he softly knocked on Kihyun’s door and noticed the light was still on from the glow on the floor. “Kihyunnie?” He wasn’t sure why, but his heartbeat paused. The silence that dragged on restarted his heart and made his body feel flushed, even after his shower. With no response, he opened the wooden door slowly hoping to see Kihyun sleeping peacefully in his tidy and clean bed.

Instead, his room was a bit more messy than usual, and the brown-haired boy was nowhere to be found. Eerily quiet, his bed was mussed like he laid on it. His pulse quickening, Hoseok mumbled _shit, shit, shit_ as he rushed back to his own room thinking Kihyun would magically appear there. Empty. He rustled through the main living room and kitchen.

All he found were empty and dark rooms. Empty and dark.

Only in his boxers, Hoseok took two stairs at a time, going up to the second floor of their dorm. He found Minhyuk sleepily watching an anime on his iPad and Changkyun already fast asleep. He couldn’t even see the youngest member with all of his blankets and pillows covering his body. Flipping on their overhead lights Hoseok looked around with wide and worried eyes.

“What, why?” Minhyuk said blearily, he was half asleep and squinting up at the bright lights. “Turn them off..” he whined.

Hoseok didn’t hear his plea and was out the door, looking into the other room, the one that Shownu, Hyungwon, and Jooheon shared. He kept the light off, but used the light in the hallway to check as best could. All three members were asleep in their beds, and Shownu softly snored while laying on his back, his bare chest rising and falling easily. It was messy all over the floor, full of clothes and shoes. Hoseok sighed and began to panic. Kihyun wasn’t there either.

He raced across the hall back to Minhyuk. “Where is Kihyun?” he said in a strange, breathless voice. Someone would have answers. “He’s not in his room, and he’s nowhere else in the dorm. Did you see him leave? Where did he go?” Hoseok shot off so many questions at Minhyuk who rubbed his eyes and sat up. His iPad lay across his lap with his headphones.

Changkyun stirred in his bed, rolling over and tangling his body in the pile of blankets. With his dark hoodie still on, he was unrecognizable from all the material around him.  

“Wasn’t he with you?” Minhyuk asked softly. “He didn’t come home with us.”

“Yes he did!” Hoseok assured, running his hands through his damp hair. Water droplets fell on the floor. He rubbed at his stomach, running his hands across his body. His hands couldn't stop moving. “He said he’d stay up.. God, Kihyunnie,” he muttered more to himself than anyone in the room.

Hoseok started to pace across the open space in front of their beds. He whispered under his breath, “He’s never slept out and not told anyone where he was going…” He stared sadly into the floor, unsteady on his feet. Hoseok knew he had no messages or calls from Kihyun while at the studio. He checked his phone the whole taxi ride home.

Snapping his head up, he locked eyes with Minhyuk, his own eyes expressing concern. “Where’s your phone? Let’s call him,” he urged to Minhyuk. “Find your phone!” He elevated his voice.

Responsively, Minhyuk fumbled in the dark blankets to find his iPhone and pulled it out moments later. He scrolled through contacts and hit call on Kihyun’s name. Minhyuk’s face fell and he pulled his lips together when the call ended abruptly.

Hoseok noticed immediately and almost shouted, “what, what is it?” He rushed to Minyuk’s bed, perching himself on the side.

“He must’ve turned it off.. Or it’s dead.” Minhyuk said in a low, gravely voice. He locked eyes with Hoseok, noticing panic in his eyes.

“Call again! Leave a message.. Just do something!” Hoseok ordered. He stood up and began pacing again, still in only his underwear, across their bedroom floor. “Where could he be…” he said out loud, contemplating. Deep in his gut he could feel that this felt different. There was a strange feeling inside of him, something he couldn’t name. That feeling made him flush with worry. Rubbing the back of his neck with a hand, there was little relief.

Changkyun had finally gotten up and out of bed, silently coming to Hoseok’s side. He put a hand on the older members shoulder, then when they locked eyes he pulled Hoseok fully into his side. Arm across his back and hand clasped on his waist, Changkyun held Hoseok up as they watched Minhyuk call again. Hoseok sagged into Changkyun’s body, hoping..

Minhyuk frowned and shook his head, then spoke out loud a message for Kihyun. “Hi.. so we’re wondering where you are and Hoseok’s freaking out. Call us back, ok? Bye~~” His voice trailed off and the room was silent.

Changkyun pulled Hoseok to his own empty bed, pushing his shoulders to sit down. “Hyung, let’s talk through this..” Changkyun pleaded.

“Did any of you talk to him tonight?” Hoseok asked quietly. He picked at his fingernails while asking, looking aimlessly around the room. He noticed Minhyuk’s luggage from their previous trip, a few new anime characters along his shelf.   

They both shook their heads. “We didn’t even think he was with us… we all went out to dinner assuming he was with you and Changkyun,” Minhyuk said, his voice breaking on the last phrase. “We.. we screwed up.”

Hoseok let out a shaky breath. “This is bad.. I think this is bad..” He rubbed his palms against his bare thighs, feeling the warmth and friction. His body was changing from warm to cool depending on the minute. The lights above him suddenly felt too bright.

“What’s going on, hyung?” Minhyuk questioned and Changkyun repeated it, after Hoseok didn’t answer.

He looked at the walls instead then the bare ceiling. He noticed a crack near the corner where the plaster began separating. Tears pooled in his eyes and he tried so hard to ensure they wouldn’t fall. He breathed in deeply, then out.

“What do we do?” Hoseok whispered, ignoring their questions. Silence fell like a blanket of snow around them. White, pure, cold.

Tilting down his head, he finally met their eyes after a minute. His dark eyes were lined with tears still threatening to fall. “Should we call his mom, or dad? Or should I go out and look?”

Changkyun shook his head, not understanding. He looked small and dark, standing in front of Hoseok in his big, black sweatshirt. He grabbed both of Hoseok’s hands, holding him down, attempting to keep him still. “Slow down, hyung.. You’re freaking us out. Tell us what you know.”

He took a few moments to consider his response. All he could picture is the tears streaming down Kihyun’s face in the van. The thoughts he must have been thinking. The hurt he was feeling.

A few tears spilled out and down Hoseok’s cheeks. He bit his lower lip, then said in the quiet room, “I think Kihyun.. left.”

Changkyun and Minhyuk just looked at him like they weren’t understanding. Hoseok shook his head in frustration. He wasn’t going to explain. He didn’t have any more time.

“Let me check his room again..” Hoseok said, breaking free from Changkyun’s grasp and leaving the room. He crashed down the stairs, bumping into a wall accidentally to get back to Kihyun’s room. He ignored the throbbing in his hip and the bruise that would likely develop. 

There, with the lights blaring overhead in Kihyun’s room, he tried to catalog what he knew. Kihyun’s clothes. Neat and tidy in his closet. A laundry basket in the corner. His black bag on the floor. His charger near the bed. _Wait.._  his charger was gone, no longer plugged in next to his bed. Kneeling to see, Hoseok was sure it was gone.

Hoseok walked in a circle in the middle of the room. He couldn’t tell what else might have been missing. But what he could feel was the empty, ache in his chest. Something like guilt.. And regret.

Changkyun and Minhyuk stood in the doorway and watched. They had followed downstairs while Hoseok madly searched the room.

With a hand covering his mouth with a large hand, Minhyuk worried and thought back through their whole day. During the morning Kihyun was quiet and sleepy in the van like the rest of them. He seemed annoyed, but no more than usual, _right?_ During the interview they picked on him like they often did. He was an easy target, admittedly. Thinking back, he saw Kihyun run off after the interview. And he didn’t look at the members once during the meeting.

Kihyun wasn’t himself all day, was he?

Leaning his head against the door frame, Minhyuk wondered what part he played in this whole mess. Hoseok was right, Kihyun would never leave like this without telling someone. He was always in the dorm. Every trip to visit his parents or anywhere, someone _knew_.

Behind them, the living room light turned on and Hyungwon appeared, a dark mop of hair above the rest. “What’s all this noise?” he wondered. He wore shorts and a t-shirt, seemingly more covered up than the rest of them.

“Did you see Kihyun-ah tonight?” Hoseok asked through heavy breaths.

“Ahhh… Not since the meeting, maybe?” Hyungwon rubbed the back of his head while one arm wrapped around his waist. “What about Kihyun?”

Hoseok turned to sit on Kihyun’s empty, rumpled bed. Running his fingers through his hair, he tugged and pulled. This wasn’t good. Hoseok felt more sure of that.

“Where could he be?” Changkyun asked softly, walking in Kihyun’s room and crouching in front of Hoseok. Staying close to the older member, Changkyun held onto the top of Hoseok’s legs. His glassy eyes were red from his broken sleep or maybe something else. When Hoseok didn’t speak, Changkyun suggested, “I can call manager..”

Hoseok shook his head. _I don’t know_ he mouthed.

_I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know._

Suddenly, it felt hard to breathe. As if the room was too small and there were too many people in it. Or at least the wrong ones. He wished it was just him and Kihyun in the space, watching a documentary about rocks or a Marvel movie. They liked to do that kind of thing together, just the two of them. It was a stupid thing to miss about someone, but it made his heart swell.

Minhyuk, quiet and somber up until now, held up his black phone. “I tried again.. no answer. I messaged too… if he’ll see it.” The tall boy shrugged, not sure. “I’ll keep trying, Hoseok.”

“I shouldn’t have left. I knew something was wrong, but I left..” Hoseok repeated, his voice pained and rough.

Hyungwon pushed past Minhyuk to come into Kihyun’s room. Sitting on the edge of Kihyun’s bed, he looked uneasy next to Hoseok. They all felt it now, the weight pressed down on them.

“Was it the interview today?” Changkyun’s asked, already knowing. “I could tell he wasn’t.. himself after.”

“We were too mean to him. We always pick on him,” Hoseok felt more tears fall down his cheek. “He’s already hard on himself, without us doing it too..” Clasping his hands together, he sighed and looked up, settling his eyes on the ceiling fan whirling round and round.

Minhyuk admitted, “I wish we could take it all back..”

Hyungwon nodded, Changkyun too. It was hard to tell, but Hoseok thought he saw a silver tear fall quickly from the corner of Changkyun’s eye.

“He normally takes our jokes well..” Hyungwon mused, tugging at the bottom of his t-shirt.

“You normally don’t say that kind of thing about someone on TV,” Hoseok huffed and gave Hyungwon a pointed look. “Sorry.. Sorry,” Hoseok hit the side of his head. “I’m not angry at you..” He held in a bated breath, allowing more tears to fall on his cheeks. “I’m just worried about him, that’s all.”

“It’s okay to worry, hyung.. given the circumstances” Changkyun replied breathily. He wiped at his eyes once more where another tear escaped. He was worried too.

Hoseok’s voice raised again in frustration. “It shouldn’t be like this!” he said through gritted teeth. He stood up, walking around Changkyun to Kihyun’s closet. He stared at the organized clothes, lined up and sorted by kind. Shirts hung on the top, not necessarily in any order. His pants were hung or folded on shelves near the bottom. It made Hoseok want to laugh and cry, looking at the way Kihyun hung his belts on small tiny hooks.

“He never should have felt like he had to leave.. and like the dorm wasn’t his home any longer.” Hoseok said, fingering the leather belts and scarves hung neatly. His heart ached.

Minhyuk came closer, boldy putting an arm around Hoseok’s shoulders. “We will fix this. We.. messed up..” the taller member spoke honestly. He picked on Kihyun the most and this was new to him. He didn’t know where they crossed the line.

Hoseok grabbed a plaid blue scarf of Kihyun’s, wrapping it around his neck. He looked stupid wearing that and only boxers, but the scent of it reminded him of Kihyun and it it felt so soft, like he was too. “I should’ve made him talk to me in the van. He cried the whole way back to the company..” Hoseok murmured, fingering the soft flannel.

“What?” Changkyun interjected, his eyes wide and mouth parted in an _oh_. He now stood, staring directly at Hoseok. “He was crying?”

Hoseok turned around and nodded slowly, his resolve finally crumbling apart. Tears streamed down his face in earnest while the whites of his eyes were streaked with red. Just thinking of Kihyun crying, knowing he was hurting… made his own emotions hit in full force.

It was so unlike Kihyun. He was usually so strong. Where did things go so wrong? They were all under so much stress lately. Each comeback brought on so much pressure.

Changkyun, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon finally saw by looking at Hoseok how much he was worried about Kihyun. It was no secret that Kihyun and Hoseok were closer than the rest of them. They had trained and practiced together the longest. Their bond was different.  

The air felt heavy and still around the four members. Cutting through the white noise, Hoseok sniffled and rubbed under his nose with the back of his hand. He could only stare forward at the photos on Kihyun’s wall, the ones above his bed. They were beautiful photographs, ones he must have taken himself. One looked like a view they saw in Amsterdam, another was the Eiffel Tower in Paris. They were so well done. Twisting his stomach further, Hoseok missed Kihyun. He needed to find him.

Finally making eye contact with the other members, he vowed somberly, “I’m going to look for him. I’ll fix this.”

Changkyun nodded and asked aloud to the other members, “what should we do?”

It was Hyungwon that answered, a tremor filling his voice. “We keep calling him. We call.. anyone. And we go out and look. We’ll go with you, Hosoek. We… we did this. You’re not going alone.” Standing up, his tall frame seemed to fill the small room. There was resolve found in his deep eyes.

Then they all heard a creaky noise outside of Kihyun’s room and held their breath. It was Hoseok who perked up the most and waited, wondering..

Minhyuk, closest to the door, turned around to see the source of the noise. He yelled, but muffled the sound with a hand over this mouth and doubled over breathing heavily.  

In that bent position he breathed, “don’t scare me like that!” to a tall, sleepy looking Jooheon now appearing in the doorway. He wore tight black boxer briefs and a ripped up band tee that looked vintage. His black hair was messy from sleep.

Jooheon rubbed under his eyes. He scanned the room, catching the mood as he looked from member to member and saw their faces. Explaining his appearance, “I heard Hoseok hyung yelling…”

Seeing Changkyun with tears in his eyes sitting atop Kihyun’s bed, he asked further, “what’s going on?”

All hope in Hoseok’s mind vanished and his heart sank.  It was stupid to think it was Kihyun coming home. _No_. Kihyun wasn’t home and he needed to do something. Waiting around would accomplish them nothing. Hoseok moved from Kihyun’s closet and ignored Jooheon, announcing “I have to go. We’ve wasted too much time,” and rushed back to his own room. 

Everyone left Kihyun’s room, dispersing to the living room outside the door and Changkyun followed Hoseok. The younger member watched every move he made.

“Hyung..” he said with a gravelly voice, watching Hoseok pull off the scarf, throw on black jogger pants, the first long sleeved shirt he saw, and a hoodie sitting on his laundry pile. It was then he locked eyes with Changkyun.

“I can’t just stay here waiting..” he admitted lowly. He looked around his dresser for socks, sliding them on one by one awkwardly, balancing on one foot after the other.

Changkyun walked to stand in front of Hoseok and grabbed his hands, halting him. “Give me one minute. One minute. Then I’ll go with you, okay?” He waited until the older member nodded, and he was sure he would keep to his word.

Running up the stairs, Changkyun threw on sweatpants, socks, and a coat quicker than he thought he could move. Grabbing his wallet, keys, and iPhone, he stuffed them in whatever pockets he could find. It was an effort to not bang into the wooden table near the door.

Back downstairs, Hyungwon talked with Minhyuk and caught up Jooheon on the situation. His face went from shocked to sad within the span of seconds. They planned to wake Shownu and help look around.

Changkyun caught up to Hoseok fully ready near the front door. He was staring at his phone, tapping furiously on the screen. The younger member watched him shoot off several messages quickly. Then he dialed a number and held the phone up to his ear.

The corners of Hoseok’s face crumbled when his call didn’t go through and he began his message, “Kihyunah.. I’m sorry I broke my promise. I’m coming for you, okay? Kihyunah, please..” his voice broke as he pleaded, “Just be okay? Please..”

He ended the voice message and immediately dialed again, and again, and again. He huffed each time the voice mail greeting started, “This is Kihyun!” and cut to the mailbox.

Every set of eyes watched him and heard Hoseok’s heart-broken plea, “Kihyun, I know your phone is off. You never let it go dead.. Just please call me. Tell me you’re okay. I know you’re not, but you will be, okay? Come home..” at the final words he broke off in a strangled cry. At that, Changkyun wrapped his arms around Hoseok, who could barely press “end” on the call.

Holding each other tight, Changkyun soothed Hoseok the best he could. He rubbed the back of his head, smoothing his hair and pressing the tightness there in his neck.

“Should we go look around?” Changkyun offered. He knew the others would look too, as they were discussing together some places they knew Kihyun liked to eat or get coffee. Minhyuk suggested they check the bowling center near their neighborhood, too.

“I should make one more call..” Hoseok pressed his lips together and held in a tremble. It took a little while for him to scroll through his phone to find this contact, and when he pressed call, he seemed apprehensive when the person on the other end of the call picked up.

“Manager Hongsik? Were you sleeping..” Hoseok tried to brighten his tone, “Sorry, sorry to wake you..” He paused to take a calculated breath, “Have you talked to Kihyun tonight?” Listening to the answer, the other members watched on carefully at Hoseok’s expression. “No? Oh..” Hoseok’s face fell. He tried so hard to smile, even if it was fake. “Well no it’s okay.. It’s just he’s not home and I’m really.. I’m really nervous.” He covered his mouth with his hand, holding in a sob. “I have a bad feeling,” he said after a few moments.

If there was anyone who would know what he meant, it was Hongsik. He was one of the few people Kihyun confided in during their time in Monsta X. He probably knew more of Kihyun’s struggles than Hoseok did himself.

“Mhm… okay, okay. Yes, bye.” Hoseok finished, hanging up. He could barely hold onto his phone and Changkyun grabbed it from his failing grip, putting it in his own pocket. 

“Are you sure we should go? What if he really wants space?” Jooheon said carefully, monitoring Hoseok’s reaction.

“Do you know Kihyun at all? When he’s embarrassed or sad or hurting,” Hoseok explained, putting a hand on the door handle, “He hides. So I’m going to find him with or without you.” Hoseok finished and shut the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kihyun is back in chapter 6! someone finds him - but who?

Kihyun didn’t care that it had begun to mist, then rained softly as he walked. He took in the bustling streets he passed, the high rise apartments, the families and couples walking beside him. Buses and cars whirled past him in a blur and with the darkness of night, all he saw was bright lights and sounds. And happily, no one saw him.

Hidden under a baseball cap he never usually wore, baggy street clothes, and a full backpack, he looked like any other twenty-something walking around. Here he didn’t need a bodyguard, or managers, or any other members. He finally felt _free_.

With every step he took the cool night air soothed his lungs and he breathed more deeply than he had all day. His anxiety and panic had calmed down to a manageable simmer and he could ignore those thoughts on his mind all day, even for just a little while.

It was then that he began to lose track of time and space. He wasn’t sure where he was, or how far away from home he had gone. It could’ve been an hour or just minutes. As he passed block after block, one priority suddenly became clear. His stomach twisted and turned, then groaned out of hunger with each shop or restaurant he passed.

Finally stopping, Kihyun stood in front of a small restaurant with vivid signs and the tell-tale smell of fried chicken. It was standing there that his stomach grumbled louder than he thought possible. A bit embarrassed, he looked around to see if anyone heard and rubbed his angry stomach over his sweatshirt. Quickly, Kihyun ducked in through the main door and found the establishment small and mostly empty. More long than wide, he found a few tables occupied near the front windows and walked around them to sit near the kitchens with his back to everyone else. Feeling comfortable at his table, the space around him was clean and tidy, with menus, napkins, and wooden chopsticks.

Continuing to smell the delicious food, Kihyun ordered two portions of chicken after looking at the menu. Normally while eating he was surrounded by people. It was hard to remember the last time he ordered so little, since someone would always pick at his leftover food. Shownu and Hoseok were like that with everyone. Kihyun never minded.

The kind owner, a petite older woman with cropped black, hair offered him a drink before leaving his table. “Nothing goes better with chicken than soju or beer. Or both!” She laughed, waiting for Kihyun’s response.  

Kihyun contemplated the question, furrowing his brows and rubbing his hands against his thighs under the table. He rarely drank at company parties or when they traveled abroad. He knew drinking too much made people lose control. Kihyun liked control. The last time he drank, he wandered into Hoseok’s bed to cuddle and fell asleep like that. While it felt good to give into his inner desire, he felt so embarrassed when the other members found out the next day. It was hard to admit that he cared too much about what people thought about him.  

But nothing about today felt like it was in his control.

Embracing those facts, Kihyun nodded at the woman still lingering by his side. Putting a hand up and pointing to the beverage cooler near the wall, “one bottle of soju and one bottle of beer,” he said with an uncertain smile. Did she catch on that he wasn’t good at this? He hoped not.

Waiting for his food, he tried hard to block out some of the questions running through his mind.

_Did they enjoy their meal without him?_

_Could they really leave like that?_

_How long would Hoseok be at the studio?_

_Would Hoseok even notice Kihyun was gone?_

_What would Changkyun think?_

_Did anyone really care?_

_Would anyone notice?_

Looking for a distraction, Kihyun felt tempted to look through messages on his phone or see if any of the members posted on fancafe. Hoseok and Minhyuk did that the most.

Instead, the smiling owner brought out a large tray for him with steaming hot chicken plus his soju and beer. She set in front of him two drinking glasses, one medium sized, and one much smaller.

He looked on with big eyes, amazed at how good everything looked. “Thank you, thank you,” Kihyun said with a nod of respect.

She replied in kind, “Eat well! You’re too skinny,” she joked and walked out of sight.

Smelling the delicious fresh chicken on the plate in front of him, Kihyun pushed up his long sleeves that went past his wrists and tucked into the food. A few minutes later he paused between bites to catch his breath. After not eating all day, it was hard to not inhale the food. Everything tasted so damn good. Delicious and hot, he stopped himself from moaning more than once at how good everything tasted.

Thirsty, Kihyun used his right hand to twist off the top and put the green beer bottle to his lips for a long pull. Flowing down his throat, it tasted unfamiliar but not all that bad. Sipping some more, he realized how good it tasted with chicken.

The soju was another story.

Kihyun didn’t know what his tolerance was although it was likely low. He shook the bottle before opening it like he saw on a dramas and poured it into the smallest glass until it hit the brim. He stared at it for a few seconds as if he might change his mind, then grabbed the glass with conviction and drank the contents down in one breath.

“Ahhhhh,” he said aloud, clicking his teeth and letting out a heavy breath. The taste was unusual and made him hiss. It didn’t go down as easy as the beer. Distracting himself from the sharp taste, Kihyun pulled off his hat and ran his hands through his hair. Once he felt satisfied, he re-adjusted his hat, now facing backwards and poured himself another glass of soju.

He could do this. It will get better, _right_?

Downing it again in one shot, he winced again at the taste. “I’ll get better at this..” he vowed. Grabbing his glass of beer, he took two long pulls of that with ease.  

“Need anything else, son?” A tall, dark haired man in an apron approached him. He was probably the other owner, along with his wife. Crooked teeth and all, his smile was wide and knowing. 

Looking down at what was left of his food, he was still hungry. “Ahhh..” he started, not sure.

The man offered, “we have wedge potatoes as sides, or anything else you want I could whip up! You eat so well.” The man smiled broader.

Taking the compliment, Kihyun smiled softly and nodded in thanks. “Potato wedges sound good, I’ll try those.”

“Coming right up, son. And a tip from me to you? The soju goes down better if you mix it with the beer.” With that, he placed a long silver spoon on the edge of Kihyun’s table and walked off to fulfill his order.

_Mix it together?_

Taking his advice, Kihyun emptied the rest of his beer into the glass and left room at the top to add in some soju. He swirled the spoon around to mix it well, despite splashing all over the table. Finally, he took a sip of this new concoction. Then a few more.

He could hardly taste the soju. This was so much better. As Kihyun continued to drink, the white noise that usually occupied his mind seemed to fade. From there it wasn’t long before the alcohol took its effects.

Waiting for his potatoes, Kihyun picked up his phone and scanned through his notifications. It was hard for him to concentrate on the bright screen without squinting. Trying to look through one eye, he realized that was silly. “Stop being stupid, Kihyun,” he muttered to himself, blinking until his vision cleared.  
  
Frowning, he noticed a few random phone calls from numbers he couldn’t place. There were messages from the group chat with his members, a photo message from his dad showing off the new shoes he bought himself and a message from his friend Mingyu.

“Mingyu!” Kihyun said out loud to no one, looking fondly at his phone. He immediately re-read the message from a few days ago, full of encouraging words that wished him and the others well on their upcoming comeback.

Kihyun’s heart beat faster reading those words over and over again. A mix of sudden anxiousness and alcohol turned his cheeks a soft pink. He began thinking nervously about his poor rehearsals and trouble singing on the upcoming song. Compositionally it was a hard song for him to sing, let alone dance to. They were given some of the most difficult choreo and it was all so fast paced. He remembered screwing up more than once in recent practices, earning disappointed looks from the other members.

It was really the fans that he wanted to impress and make happy. He hoped he still could.

Shaking his head, he tried not to think about that and drank more instead. “Ahhhhh,” he breathed, setting down the glass on the table and splashing all over. It was then that the man appeared with the fried potato wedges and seasoning.

“Tasty!” Kihyun exclaimed, looking at the food with wide, eager eyes.  

“Here you go. Enjoy,” he chuckled and waved, rushing off to help another couple that arrived and sat at a front table.

Before diving into the steaming hot food, Kihyun remembered to text Mingyu back.

“Thank you, brother!! Miss you since ISAC,” he added a few more emoji’s then hit send. Although Mingyu was younger than him, he felt like an older brother to Kihyun sometimes. He was so easy to get along with. Since he was part of a boy group too, he understood what it was like. It dawned on him that Mingyu was someone he could talk to.. maybe even seek advice.

Waiting for a response, he dug into his food and savored every bite. After clearing everything off his plate, Kihyun felt so satisfied and reached up beneath his sweatshirt to rub his stomach. Content and full, he couldn’t remember the last time he ate so much and so well. It was probably with his members after a concert or some late night food delivery after their long dance practices. Thinking about them right now tugged his insides in all directions.

While considering another bottle of beer, Kihyun’s phone went off with what he hoped was a response from Mingyu. Wiping his greasy fingers off on a napkin, he held up his phone to see.

 **MINGYU 8:49 PM:** Kihyunssi!! Let me hear that new song - bet it’s a banger! Let’s get together soon. I’m tired of my members haha (upside down smiley)

Kihyun smiled at his response, completely fitting of fit his friends’ personality. Fun, loud, and honest. He admired Mingyu and felt a little jealous if he was being honest. For being so young, he made being a K-Pop star look easy. He filmed TV shows, talked well in interviews, and promoted comeback songs with such confidence it was hard for Kihyun to understand.

With little thought, Kihyun thumbed in a reply and sent it off.

 **KIHYUN 8:51 PM:** Come see me now, I have sojjjuiu!

Emphasizing his point, Kihyun grabbed the bottle of soju and held it near his head and took a selfie. The first few photos turned out blurry until he rubbed out a greasy mark on his screen. Finally satisfied with his cute expression, he sent off the photo to Mingyu.  

It wasn’t more than 30 seconds until his phone lit up with a call from his friend and Kihyun picked up after a few rings. “Heyyyyy,” he said when the call connected. His words were a little slow, but not yet slurred. He hadn’t drank _that_ much.

“Are you really drinking or just joking?” Mingyu laughed. It felt so good for Kihyun to hear his voice, like hearing a song on the radio you hadn’t heard in awhile.

Holding the phone with one had to his ear, he used his other to grab his bottle of soju and add more of it to the beer. “Beer and soju, yeah,” he said loudly after setting the bottle back down. “Can’t have chicken without beer!” Too excitedly, he hit his knee on the chair next to him and swore. “Shit!” he murmured, rubbing the sore spot.

“Who’s drinking with you? Someone’s gonna have to watch over you if you’re swearing already?” Mingyu wondered and laughed on the other end into the receiver.

“Huh?” Kihyun said in a high pitched, cute voice. He pouted his lips together in confusion. “I had potatoes!” he shared loudly. The soju was finally catching up to him bit by bit. He smiled into the phone. “And it’s just me, my members don’t like me. So I’m eating alone! But I had chicken.”

“Chicken?” Mingyu repeated.

“Chicken and beer. And potatoes!” Kihyun added. “Soju is half gone..” he mused, swirling a finger around the rim of his glass. “I’m getting much better at drinking.”

“Where are you Kihyunssi? Should I come see you now?”

“Yes! I don’t know.. This place is far from the dorm. Do you want soju too?” Kihyun asked Mingyu. A brain fog started settling in and he realized long sentences were getting harder.

“We can share your soju, so don’t drink anymore, okay?” Mingyu bargained.

Kihyun nodded, holding the phone tightly so it didn’t fall out of his hand. “Ok, deal!”

“Ask for the restaurant name and message me. I’ll come to you and be quick, okay?”

“Sure, sure,” Kihyun mumbled then hung up without saying goodbye. Excited that Mingyu was coming, he took another long drink.

He felt so light and so good. _Is this what drinking was about?_ If it was, he was understood why so many people liked it. Kihyun thought boldly about going to the clubs in Itaewon to drink and dance, staying up till dawn. Maybe Changkyun would go with him once. 

Remembering Mingyu’s request, Kihyun stood up from his table a bit unsteady on his feet. He should’ve been a bit more slow with his drinking, but it was too late for that now.

“Ahjussi!” he asked politely, almost whispering. He walked forward towards the kitchen, and peaked around a tall counter. Beneath the counter there were photos of chicken and other tasty dishes they must have made.

It took a second but the man popped into sight, “yes?"

“What is the name of this place?” Kihyun asked, hoping his question came out right.

After hearing it twice from the man he thanked him more than necessary with a long bow and stumbled back to his table to input it into his phone. A moment later, a pin appeared with the restaurant on his maps.

“I must be here!” he smiled proudly and sent off the information to Mingyu. His text had a few typos but he didn’t bother to correct them. Putting his phone on the table, spent some time looking at the other people in the restaurant.

There was a couple there on a date, talking quietly with their heads together. Another table was drinking loudly and eating order after order. The men wore suits and ties and the women were dressed prettily in skirts and blouses. He imagined it was an after work dinner and felt a bit intrusive watching on. They all looked so close, laughing together and enjoying each others company. Playing drinking games, they encouraged each other while having fun.

The way they seemed so carefree and happy twisted at Kihyun’s insides. Watching on, he grabbed his own beer and drank it down as if he was in on the drinking game.

It’s only about 15 minutes later that Kihyun heard the door rattle open and watched a very tall person walk in. Seeing the person more clearly, Kihyun glowed. 

“Mingyu!” Kihyun ran to him with open arms straight into a hug. Mingyu, much taller and broader than Kihyun, folded him into his body and smiled warmly. Kihyun held him tight and breathed in to his bright orange sweatshirt. He smelled like clean laundry and the mist outside.

Kihyun breathed but held in a sob while holding onto Mingyu. He didn’t realize how much he needed a friend until right now. Watching everyone else made him feel really lonely.

“Kihyunssi!” Mingyu hugged back, rubbing his shoulder with a broad hand. “I found you!” Peeling away from Kihyun, Mingyu was dressed comfortably in a sweatshirt and joggers too and bright, trendy sneakers. In a normal situation he’d instantly stand out as an idol. In this restaurant at the late hour, he blended in with the rest of them.

“Are you hungry?” Kihyun asked, pulling Mingyu to the table he occupied. “It’s so delicious!”

Mingyu stared at the mostly empty soju bottle then smiled back to Kihyun sadly. He pulled out the chair to sit opposite of his friend. “No, no.. I already ate. I just wanted to see you!” He explained. “I’m surprised you have time to see me, with your comeback and all..”

Kihyun nodded. “We’ve been so busy.. This is my first night off in ages. But.. I don’t know. I just thought about getting away, you know?” His voice hiccuped on the last words, betraying him.

Suddenly nervous, Kihyun took the bottle of soju to pour out the rest. Mingyu grabbed his hand to stop him. “Why are you drinking, hyung? This isn’t you..”

“It’s nothing, really,” Kihyun insisted, but put the bottle down. He sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m of age, I can drink if I want to,” he said sullenly, sulking a bit.

Mingyu caught onto his pouting. “You can… but we’re talking about you here. I’ve known you for years and I’ve only seen you drink a once and you didn’t even like it.”

On the defense, Kihyun said sharply, “So what? People change… habits change. I can drink.” He picked up his glass and took a big gulp, just to prove a point. Catching in his windpipe, he coughed a bit and tried to lessen the red bloom on his cheeks. Setting the glass down, he pushed it away in defeat and settled his eyes on the opposite wall that had some peeling wallpaper and a large air conditioning unit.

Silence filled the space between them. To Kihyun, it felt like eternity. In reality, it was only moments until Mingyu spoke in a soft, clear voice.

“Kihyun, you don’t have to pretend with me.”

The older member shook his head with a sad expression, moving his gaze to his lap. Kihyun pulled at his hat anxiously, then slot his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt to keep them from moving. Anxiety made him feel restless.

He couldn’t look up either, no, not with the tears forming in his eyes.  

“You can talk to me.. Whatever it is.” Mingyu said, quietly pleading.

It was the kindness and honesty in his friends voice that broke him and tears began to fall. Slowly, Kihyun raised his head and showed Mingyu the face behind the mask. It was only then that he opened up to share everything. 

After confessing, Kihyun held both hands tightly around the empty soju bottle. His tears had ceased, but his hands were still trembling and his body felt cold. He felt rightfully tipsy, but emotionally numb. It was a heady combination. “I haven’t really told anyone these things.. I’ve tried to be strong. But they just see me as weak and little compared to them.”

Mingyu watched on as Kihyun curled his body in and looked anywhere but at him. His friend wouldn’t meet his eyes. It was as if Kihyun was trying to appear smaller or disappear altogether. It broke his heart to see him like this. 

"Hyung.." Mingyu spoke softly. 

Kihyun continued, his voice small and broken. “I’m not sexy enough, or tall enough, or good looking enough,” he hiccuped again, then added, “I can just sing.. And dance well sometimes. But they make fun of the way I talk.. My pronunciation..” Kihyun trailed off. He felt truly pathetic.

It was then that Kihyun finally said what had been weighing on his mind all day, heavy and dark like rain clouds. “Do I even belong with them anymore?” he asked with a raw, fragile voice. It came out like a soft, broken whisper, and his breaths were deep and heavy in his chest.

What Kihyun never felt brave enough to ask out loud was _did they make a mistake picking me?_   

If he had more tears, a few would have fallen. “Don’t answer that,” Kihyun said a few moments later, shaking his head. “This must just be the soju talking..” he joked, lying through his teeth.    
  
“No.. I will, because you should hear my answer,” Mingyu spoke softly to his hurting friend, knowing what he needed to do, to say. “You’ve talked a lot.. So now it’s my turn,” he said confidently. “Can you look at me?”

With a lowered gaze, Kihyun shook his head back and forth. He didn’t know if he could.

The front door opened and more people came in, settling at tables near them. Knowing his eyes were red and his face blotchy, he pressed the long sleeves of his sweatshirt against his face.

“Please?” Mingyu pleaded, “Kihyunssi, please look at me..”

There was something in the way Mingyu sounded that cracked through Kihyun’s armor once again. The noise around them dulled and the effects of the soju kept warming his cold body.

Dark eyes met dark eyes and Mingyu began.

“You.. you are so talented. I wish I could sing as well as you. And your dancing? Your choreo is some of the hardest for all groups.. The amount you have to practice to perform on stage is insane. You are so good at it,” Mingyu said in one full breath. Each word was said with truth and conviction and it was hard for Kihyun to hear. “Honestly, it breaks my heart knowing you think the opposite.. Because you are so damn talented, Kihyunssi. Truly.” He nudged Kihyun’s foot under the table. “I’ll tell you everyday if you need me to. You should never think anything different.” His smile glowed as he spoke the last words.

“I…” Kihyun struggled to form words. “I have no idea what to say.” Placing his elbows on the edge of the table, he cradled his head in his splayed hands.

“Sometimes I think there are rough patches.. We’ve all felt them and had to deal with it. Sometimes it’s just really damn hard,” Mingyu cursed and Kihyun raised his eyebrows when he heard it. He gazed in awe at his younger friend’s honesty.

“..and you’ve had a few bad circumstances that added up to a shitty situation and now you’re having these thoughts. And that’s okay.. It really is.”

Every word Mingyu said filled Kihyun in bit by bit. The cracks that had formed from self doubt and negative thoughts. The cracks that hurt his heart and kept him up at night thinking, wondering, wishing..

It was in that moment that he realized how much it filled the cracks to hear _it’s okay not to be okay._ That all of this was normal and he didn’t have to have it together all the damn time.

Mingyu’s warm eyes met Kihyun’s and with one look it was as if every thought that raced through his mind his friend could read.

“We all doubt ourselves. Sometimes it feels like we’re not always in it for the right reasons, but we are. You are. You care so much about your fans, and they love you too. I know this because I’ve seen them. I know how they look at you. How they feel when you sing their favorite songs.. “

Kihyun closed his eyes and turned his head to the side, pulling his lips between his teeth. He couldn’t bare to look at Mingyu directly. It filled his heart and broke it apart at the same time feeling so _understood_. He had felt so lost and confused up until this moment. The frayed wires of his brain recircuited under the context Mingyu gave him.

“You’re probably not understanding much of this right now.. And that’s okay..” Mingyu offered.

“But you should know you mean a whole hell of a lot to your fans, and I know your members care about you.. Even if they are terrible at showing it.” He crossed the table with his hands, clasping both of his around one of Kihyun’s. He waited until Kihyun looked him in the eyes.

“I can’t let you drink any more soju. Your head must be spinning.”

Kihyun sucked in a breath, nodding. He felt at peace remembering Mingyu’s every word. Whether it was from the drinks, the conversation, or finally feeling understood, Kihyun felt warm and content.

On the table, his hand felt so small and warm under his friend’s larger one. The younger boy rubbed his fingers and smoothed over his palm. It soothed him so much he let out a huff of air he didn’t realize he was holding in. Exhaustion settled into his bones and he sagged against the table.

Mingyu noticed too. “Tired Kihyunssi? Should we go?”

“I can’t go home.” Kihyun said after a few moments of silence. “Not.. not tonight.”

“You won’t. You’re coming with me,” his friend announced, standing up. “Let’s pay and get out of here, okay?” He wrapped a long, sturdy arm around Kihyun and held him upright.

For once, Kihyun found it easy to release control. Curling into his friends side, he nodded up at him with the best smile he could muster. “Okay, let’s go.”

Mingyu led Kihyun through the damp streets and _accidentally_ pushed him through a few puddles. They laughed and played, looking silly running after each other and hiding between alleyways.

The buzz of the alcohol and the liberation Kihyun felt made him giddy and want to play more. With a running start, Kihyun sped up behind Mingyu and jumped on his back, holding on tight.

“Carry me!” Kihyun laughed, his first real laugh all night, and squeezed his arms around Mingyu’s shoulders in a loose grip.

Chuckling, Mingyu grabbed Kihyun’s thighs and held him tight, carrying him piggy-back style through the neighborhood. “You are a lightweight..” he joked, turning his head to peek up at Kihyun’s expression.

“Hey!” Kihyun frowned, nipping his teeth at Mingyu’s ear. He knew Mingyu was poking fun at his terrible attempt to drink tonight. “I’ll show you! Let’s go for round two,” he suggested earnestly.

“Not today, Kihyunssi. You’ve had a long day.”

Agreeing, Kihyun slumped against Mingyu’s back, curling his head to rest on his shoulder. He felt comforted by the steady step, step, step as Mingyu walked them past more shops, restaurants, and people on the streets. With his hat on and hood up he thought _I could fall asleep like this_ and closed his eyes for just a minute.

Sensing the depths of Kihyun’s exhaustion, Mingyu neared the road and hailed a cab to take them back to his own dorm. He shared it with many members of his own group, which he texted from the backseat of the dark car. He didn’t want Kihyun’s arrival to be a big deal.

Kihyun’s head rested on his large shoulder as he quietly dozed. Looking on, Mingyu thought he looked peaceful for the first time all night.

The ride was thankfully quick, given the lack of traffic for the time of day. Jostled awake, Mingyu pulled Kihyun from the car and through the gates. Lights twinkled on in the house.

Kihyun suddenly hesitated and pulled back, stopping near the front door. “What will they think? Oh god, I shouldn’t be here..”

“Stop worrying. I called them already. It’ll be fine Kihyunssi,” Mingyu assured, tugging Kihyun by the sleeve. He felt like a small child being pulled on a leash.

The greetings weren’t nearly as awkward as Kihyun anticipated. Mingyu did warn them and the members of Seventeen still awake said hi to him politely, all genuinely happy to see him.

Kihyun realized most of their interactions were at music and award shows or during promotions. Seeing each other at home felt more real and far more intimate. Shyly, Kihyun let himself be led to their living room and pushed onto their giant couch. Pulling his backpack to his lap, he fiddled with the straps and pulls as some of the members asked about his comeback. They easily chatted and caught up with each other. Later, he pulled out his iPhone to play them a bit of their newest track to which they all began dancing too. Some of the members tried to copy the rap parts, laughing with every attempt.

Yawning, Kihyun looked at the time on his phone realizing it was nearing midnight. No notifications filled his screen. Biting his lower lip, he hit airplane mode on his phone and pushed it in his pocket _out of sight, out of mind_.

He talked with his friends for a long time. Mingyu cuddled up near him on the couch to his right and Woozi glued to his left. During conversation, Woozi absentmindedly played with Kihyun’s hair or rubbed his hand. Not used to much affection, it startled him at first. But after some time it felt normal, and then.. it even felt _right_.

They talked about movies and sports. They talked about their recent award season and funny moments. They talked about dating and rumors. They talked about everything and nothing.

For the first time, Kihyun felt like he was among friends. Sure, he had his members, but not like this.. They didn’t talk about these things. They were so focused on their schedules and future plans that it was hard to enjoy the present.

Sighing, Kihyun couldn't help but feel a bit sad. Looking around the room at his friends laughing together, he wished his members were with him too. They would’ve had so much fun, talking and playing. Away from the cameras, away from the music, away from the fans. Just them. He felt a pang in his chest.

“Kihyunah?” Woozi asked, moving a hand in front of his eyes. “You with us?” His other rubbed the back of Kihyun’s neck against his pressure point.   

Kihyun replied, “just sleepy.” His eyes closed for a split second, enjoying the massage against his neck.

Mingyu pulled on Kihyun’s hand, pulling both of them up and off the couch. Kihyun’s bag fell off his lap and onto the floor and Mingyu used his other hand to smoothly grabbed it.

“Say goodnight to Kihyunnie, we’re headed to bed,” Mingyu announced. The other members around the room pouted and protested, wanting more time with Kihyun. Saying his goodnights, he promised to visit again soon.

Kihyun bowed and left the main room following Mingyu down the dark hallway. He paused in front of two doors. “My room’s here,” he pointed left, “and the wash room is here,” he pointed right. “Take your time, Kihyunssi.”

It’s much later when Kihyun curled up in Mingyu’s bed, his body spread out comfortably while watching Black Panther on the laptop in front of them. His eyelids felt heavy and ready for sleep. Despite wanting it quiet and dark, his exhaustion would win and he’d take sleep any way he could take it.

Mingyu was quiet for a long time then paused the movie on the computer, pushing it off to the side. He spoke softly into the darkness. “I was really worried when you told me you were drinking. I thought you were kidding at first..”

“Worried. Why?”

“I could hear it in your voice that you were upset,” Mingyu replied honestly, pulling his lips together and lowering his eyes to Kihyun’s face. Only a small gap between them, both boys faced each other.

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Mingyu finally asked the question on his mind all night.

“I.." Kihyun started, taking another moment to form the words. “I can’t face them right now. I don’t know what to say. My mind is a mess right now and I.. I still don’t know why they said what they did. But I’ll have to move on.. And I just need some time.”

Mingyu understood and wrapped a long arm around Kihyun in comfort. They cuddled closer and only the sounds of their breathing filled the room. Kihyun felt comforted by the darkness around them that hid the tips of his red ears. It felt more than good to have Mingyu’s hand rub him, feeling it reach from his low back to the tops of his shoulders in sweeping, slow movements.

Kihyun whispered, more to himself than anyone else. “I just wish they understood me and accepted me for who I am. But maybe they never will..”

“Kihyunah, don’t say that..” Mingyu squeezed his shoulder.

“I kind of feel like running away. Far away, if I could. But I can’t.” Kihyun sighed and melted further into the pillows. “I’m so tired..” he said, and Mingyu knew what he meant. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

Mingyu assured him, “You’re safe here so get some sleep. Okay?”

“Okay..” Kihyun whispered, closing his heavy eyelids. 

Before letting the darkness lull him to sleep, he pushed out a hand and reached around until he found Mingyu’s. “Thank you..” he said, squeezing his small hand over Mingyu’s larger one. It was with hand on top of hand that they both fell into a deep, restorative sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our special guest in this chapter will likely not reappear (although he's just so damn handsome). in chapter 7 we'll find out what the other members got up to while kihyun stayed away. prepare yourselves for the reunion. the remaining chapters (3 or 4) will be very kiho and other members focused. 
> 
> do you think wonho will be jealous of mingyu?  
> will there be yelling and screaming at dance practice?  
> what will the managers say when they find out what's going on with kihyun? 
> 
> stay tuned to find out. thanks for all the love and support! @misslauren514 if you wanna love or hate on me for any of this. :)


	7. Chapter 7

****Jooheon’s jaw hinged open as he watched Hoseok slam the door behind him. Confused, he opened and closed his mouth then said incredulously, “I.. I didn’t mean it like that!”

The other members around him had similar expressions of disbelief. The mood in the dorm had shifted, a somber, guilty feeling lingered and hung in the air as if suspended and unmoving. To them, Kihyun’s absence finally felt real.

Changkyun shook his head, “Don’t worry hyung. He’s not himself right now.” He glanced to the front door Hoseok just left, then back to the other members. “I’ll go after him. Keep your phones on you if you go out,” he ordered, racing after Hoseok. 

Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Jooheon sat in silence. Uncertainty filled them heavy like lead. Feeling a shiver shake down his spine, he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “What do we do now?” Joohoen finally spoke, looking each of them in the eyes. 

Hyungwon stood near the back of the couch, leaning on it for support. He clawed the fabric between his long fingers. “We need to go look too. He has to be somewhere.”

“Should we wake Shownu?” Minhyuk asked nervously, playing with his fingers. He felt so out of sorts. It was much easier for him to be the happy, positive member in the group all the time. These were all new feelings he experienced. 

Jooheon sat next to him on the couch put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “We probably should,” he agreed, his mouth set in a thin line. “I’ll do it.” 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon watched him rush up the stairs then looked at each other with matching glazed eyes. Closer than most, they trained together and lived together since the early trainee days. Just like Hoseok and Kihyun, they had a friendship and bond that was just _more_.

Hyungwon read what was on Minhyuk’s mind answering out loud, “Kihyun wouldn’t do this if something wasn’t wrong.”

Minhyuk nodded and pursed his lips. “This isn’t like him..” His cheeks flushed at the thought of him crying in the van while nobody knew. He was rarely vulnerable like that. “Home is normally his happy place,” he said sadly, staring ahead at Kihyun’s dark doorway of Kihyun’s room.

A minute later, Hyungwon and Minhyuk heard a bleary Shownu being led downstairs by Jooheon. Shownu rubbed his eyes from underneath his glasses while trying not to fall down the stairs. He had on track pants and a hoodie and listened to Jooheon’s directions. “Shoes, hyung.”

At the last step, Shownu perked up at seeing the other members in the living room.“What’s going on?” He murmured with a low, gravely tone. Coughing into his hand, he cleared his throat.

“Shoes, then the rest,” Jooheon said again and pushed Shownu near the door to his sneakers. He struggled but managed to slide them on the right feet.

“This better not be some stupid variety show thing we’re doing,” Shownu groaned, leaning up against a wall for support. The purple beneath his eyes was worse than usual. His face had swelled from the lack of sleep in their crazy schedule.   

“It’s Kihyun,” Minhyuk whispered, stepping up next to Shownu. He opened the door for them to go through. “Hyung, we have to find him. He’s gone.”

 

*!*!*

 

Changkyun bent over, hands on his knees and tried desperately to catch his breath. Heaving in and out, it was less than graceful. Sweat slicked the nape of his neck and drenched down his back. It dripped from the damp hair at his temples. Since it was the middle of the night, he was grateful that they encountered very few people as he became a sweaty, huffy mess.

He had been running after Hoseok for the past hour while they searched their neighborhood convenience stores, restaurants, and whatever else they could find. Hoseok even ran through the local park, checking every bench and place he could think of. Lagging behind, Changkyun kept up with his merciless pace until his legs threatened to give out. 

“Hyung.. Hyung!” Changkyun yelled at Hoseok in the distance. Hoseok was further up ahead, looking for a ramen shop Kihyun told him about one time. They had found their neighborhood quiet and dark, which didn’t help Hoseok’s mood. 

Changkyun witnessed his panic escalate with each place they found closed or empty. His pace increased minute after minute. It wasn’t looking good and Changkyun knew that.

“Hyung!” he yelled again, sagging in relief when Hoseok stopped so he could catch up. Mustering whatever energy he head left, he jogged to him. Still breathing heavily, Changkyun let his coat fall to the ground when he was within steps of Hoseok. Grabbing the back of his shirt, he pulled it away from his sweat-slicked skin and hoped the night air would cool his body temperature down.

The older member in front of him didn’t seem to be breathing at all. Scanning Hoseok’s face, Changkyun noticed blown out pupils and fear settled in his eyes. Hoseok hardly paid attention to him, instead scanning the area around them, analyzing every sound or sight within distance.

Hoseok stood on the empty sidewalk and whispered softly, so softly that Changkyun might not have heard if he was any further away. “He’s not here.. He’s not anywhere.” His voice sounded empty and hollow. He ran his hands through his hair, tugging wildly while he kept scanning the street around them, not once meeting Changkyun’s eyes.

Changkyun didn’t know what to say or do. He left helpless. _Helpless_. He didn’t have any answers or know how to fix it. He tried to stay strong for Hoseok, despite the churning he felt in his own stomach. _Kihyunah, where are you?_ Changkyun pleaded internally. Everything about this damned day he wished they could re-do.  

Hoseok let out a strangled breath and stared at the dirty pavement, kicking his shoes against it. “Jooheon’s right.. Maybe he doesn’t want to be found.” His lower lip trembled when he spoke.

“Hyung,” Changkyun started, reaching close to put a hand on Hoseok’s back, grounding him. They both stood still and silent until Hoseok looked up to meet his eyes. “Kihyun’s smart, he won’t do anything stupid. He knows we have schedule tomorrow. He’ll show up. He may be gone now but he’ll show up.” With every word he spoke, he tried to trust in his own convictions and ignore the growing doubt in his mind. He hoped Hoseok didn’t catch on.

Hoseok nodded as he listened, lips wobbling as he latched onto the hope Changkyun shared. When he heard _he’ll show up_ , tears spilled over onto his full cheeks. There was a small comfort in the touch at his back, reassuring and warm. He wished it was Kihyun’s small hand, not Changkyun’s. When he closed his eyes shut he imagined that instead, wishing it were real.   

“Kihyun will be alright,” Changkyun assured with as much confidence as he could muster. They had to believe he was okay. The alternative was too much to consider. Under the dim street lights an understanding clicked between them and Changkyun used his arm at Hoseok’s back to turn him around. “Let’s go home.. We did everything we could.”

With little protest, Hoseok let himself be led. He knew Changkyun was right. The others wouldn’t find him either. No, not when he didn’t want to be found.

The silence stretched around them while the mist and rain finally lifted. It was as if it was a sign that the morning would still come.

Back at the dorm, all the members went to sleep with clouded minds and a strange, empty feeling in their hearts. Nobody realized until it was gone, the little piece of them that Kihyun took when he left. The piece that made each of them whole and full.

Hoseok didn’t know how late it was when he crawled into Kihyun’s empty bed and tossed and turned, surrounded by Kihyun’s scent all over the sheets. He burrowed his head in the fabric of the pillow, nuzzling it. Breathing in deeply, he tried to calm his thoughts. It was no use, as memories from when they last fell asleep together replayed in his mind.  

Hoseok remembered how their bodies curled around each other. The electric feeling of Kihyun’s smooth skin, warm from where his fingers explored and touched. The blaze he saw in Kihyun’s eyes when he softly kissed him, lips pressed against each other for that fleeting moment. The fire that burned in Hoseok’s belly when Kihyun came in closer, pressing against his lips again, and again, and again. Hoseok remembered the next morning when Kihyun’s bravado had faded away and the shy, blush returned. 

But Hoseok especially remembered when Kihyun assured him, “I have no regrets,” and hid behind the pillows. It wasn’t the first time they’d done something like that, and it was probably not the last. They didn’t put any definition on their closeness. There was no added pressure about who they were to each other. They were just Kihyun and Hoseok. 

It was those thoughts that kept Hoseok awake, holding Kihyun’s extra pillow between his his arms and squeezing, remembering.

Not much later, the door creaked open and Hoseok felt his heartbeat in every fiber of his being, jolting his body to sit up.

“It’s just me hyung,” Changkyun whispered quickly. “Not Kihyun.. Just me.”

Hoseok crumpled back into the mattress.

“I can’t sleep.. Can I stay here with you, here?” In the darkness Hoseok moved over, turning to face the wall. He mumbled a yes and heard Changkyun pull up the covers. He felt the blankets and sheets rustle and Changkyun curled up next to him on the opposite pillow. Warm breaths tickled against his neck. “We’ll figure this all out, hyung,” the youngest whispered, assuring as much as he could. “Let’s rest while we can..”

Hoseok closed his eyes. He was grateful for the steady breathing and soft snores that finally lulled him into a quiet, restless sleep.

 

*!*!*

 

It took every effort that Kihyun had to not tell the taxi driver to turn around. They trudged through rush-hour traffic on the way to the company and Kihyun’s anxiety levels rose with every minute they inched closer. The sun streamed through the windows and onto his face. Fidgeting, he clutched onto his bag, hoping he remembered all his things from Mingyu’s dorm.

His friend didn’t complain once when Kihyun’s alarm woke them up early, or during any part of the night when he needed someone, _anyone_ to talk to. Mingyu listened even when Kihyun drank the soju and shared his secrets. And he was thankful that Mingyu was still there, smiling and waving from outside the taxi as Kihyun rushed off to his schedule.

Waving back, he promised to text his friend later. Kihyun would, he owed him that much.

They car journey took longer than he thought. He didn’t dare check his phone, but kept an eye on the clock in the dashboard of the taxi. His brows furrowed each time he checked the clock. Practice started in 9 minutes. Would the other members be there already? Did they ever notice he was gone? Would they just start without him? Some of these questions had easy answers, but Kihyun left his phone stuffed in the bottom of his bag, too afraid to find out.

The pit in his stomach knew that his fear was irrational, but it didn’t stop him from stressing any less. The fear that his members didn’t care enough to accept him. The fear that he wasn’t good enough. The fear that maybe this was all _a big mistake_.

Those kind of thoughts took control even when he tried so hard for them not to.

He bit his lip and stared out the window. They passed building after building in Seoul yet Kihyun couldn’t recognize more than shapes and colors. His mind felt clouded and heavy. After a few more minutes he curled up against the backseat wishing could go back to bed. Everything that happened yesterday felt too big to bear. He didn’t know the words, couldn’t put clarity to the thoughts on his mind. He missed his members, but felt anxious about seeing them too.

His hands trembled at the thought of walking into the practice room, those fragile moments when he had to face them again. Would they notice the shame he felt, the embarrassment on his face? Turning around back to Mingyu’s suddenly seemed like a better option.

“Ahjussi..” Kihyun spoke breathlessly, leaning forward in his seat.

The man connected eyes with him from the rear view mirror.

“We’re just a few blocks away,” the driver replied kindly, pointing his fingers ahead. “Just up there!” He grinned at Kihyun with shiny, coffee-stained teeth.

“Oh,” he replied, deflated. Kihyun saw the buildings around him and didn’t realize how close they had gotten. _I can’t turn back now._  

“I’ll get through this,” he reassured himself, speaking low enough so only he could hear. “I can do this,” he repeated again, hoping that mantra would carry him though the day.

If he couldn’t do it for himself, he would do it for Monbebe. For them, he’d try to find the confidence he used to have in his singing, his dancing. For them, he’d block out the rest and keep trying. It was all he could do.

The man dropped him off in the front and Kihyun hurried past a crowd of people and lunged through the front doors. He adjusted the baseball cap that covered his face, hiding as he got into the elevator. Thankfully no one else joined him. He pressed the button for one of the top floors, scanning his Starship badge next to the control panel for access. 

In the elevator all Kihyun could hear was the sound of his own beating heart and the faint click of the mechanical parts. The further up the elevator went, the harder his heart beat in his chest, the sound reverberating through his ears like a drum. _Thum, thum thum_ , _thum, thum thum._

Finally, the doors to the elevator opened and reality waited for him at the end of the hall. 

 

*!*!*

 

Shownu checked his watch, then his phone for the third time in a minute, both reading 8:58 AM. Around him, the other members were doing the same thing too. Kihyun still wasn’t there.

Sitting on the shiny floor of the practice room, he recounted everything he could up until this moment. After their schedule he ate dinner with some of the members, came home to exercise, shower, then sleep. It was a pretty typical night when they had free time.

He didn’t remember what time it was when Jooheon woke him up, or how both of them alongside Minhyuk and Hyungwon roamed around looking for Kihyun. They went from saunas to shops and everywhere in between. All the while Hyungwon called Kihyun’s phone, only giving up when his voicemail became full.

While they looked, Jooheon and Hyungwon filled him in on the details. Minhyuk described what Hoseok was like back at the dorm, searching everywhere and frantic. Guilt filled Shownu as he remembered asking Kihyun if he was home. If he would’ve knocked on the door or went in his room, he would’ve known.. But they forgot. They forgot about Kihyun.

It still didn’t help Shownu understand exactly why he left.

When they came home empty handed, he stayed awake lying on his pillow. Elements of their day flashed through his mind in a memory and it was only then that he could remember the distressed look on Kihyun’s face during the interview. The way his body caved in after hearing the member’s answers. The unfamiliar tone of his voice when speaking to the MCs. Those memories connected with the past few weeks when he struggled in dance practice, or spent extra sessions week after week with their vocal coach. Kihyun had even started working out daily and was losing weight, trying to show a better physical look.

These little things added up and felt big. Too big. Shownu felt terrible for not realizing it sooner.

_Kihyun was struggling and didn’t tell anyone._

He laid awake the rest of the night sitting with that realization heavy in his heart. Today, he paid for the lack of sleep with swollen cheeks and puffy eyes. It was hard to put in his contact lenses and tie his shoes, but he managed along with the rest of the members to make it to their schedule on time.

Despite golden sunshine streaming through the practice room windows, the mood was bleak. Uncertainty floated like dust and filled in the spaces around them.

 _Kihyun will come_ , Changkyun assured them in the van on the way to the company. He now laid on his stomach on the wooden floor, hood up and listening to music on his airpods. The red sweatshirt he wore draped over his body like a blanket. He hadn’t spoken a word since they arrived, instead humming the sad tune of a slow song.

Next to Shownu, Hyungwon sat on the floor pretending to stretch with eyes shifting every other moment to the door. He reached for his slim calves, bending slightly to hold the position.

Hoseok didn’t even pretend to act normal, alternating between pacing near the floor to ceiling windows or rushing out the door and into the hallway. He’d done that twice now in the last few minutes, reporting back to them with a sad shake of the head and an expression that read _no, Kihyun wasn’t out there._

Minhyuk distracted himself by playing games on his phone and Jooheon talked to their choreographer at the front of the room while he set up the audio. They talked in hushed tones and tested the sound. The loud noise startled Minhyuk who dropped his phone with a loud clang against the wood floor.  

“Let’s get started in a few!” their main choreographer announced, finishing his set up. He gazed at a few of the members. “Y’all better show me more energy than this,” he joked, turning to face his assistant and Jooheon again.

His words caused Hoseok to stop in his tracks. They were about to get started. _Where are you, Kihyunah? Why aren’t you here?_  

Hoseok quit pacing and plopped down on the floor to sit, pulling his knees close to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them and curled tight into a ball. Their newest comeback song played through the black speakers above his head. It felt like the last thing he wanted to hear. Trying hard not to freak out, he rocked back and forth. Kihyun was never late. 

 _Please be okay, please be okay,_ Hoseok pleaded. His skin felt warm yet shivers rushed down his spine. Keeping his head to the floor, he breathed in deeply. He knew he was the most affected by this, but he didn't care. 

The others watched him, worrying in their own ways. He couldn’t look at any of them in return, only remembering the words they spoke and the mistakes they made. Nobody had seen or heard from Kihyun in over 12 hours. He didn’t know how much more waiting he could take.

Very faintly, a low frequency began filling the room that nobody could quite place. Hoseok felt it first and shot his head up, looking around faster than his eyes could move. He glanced to each of the member’s with wide eyes, then settled on the door in front of him. 

Changkyun responded too, moving his sprawled out body to an upright, sitting position.

The others locked eyes on Hoseok. It wasn’t a vibration from the speakers or truly any particular sound. It was something he just _felt_. Did they feel it too? Something lifted in his chest and for the first time all day, he felt hopeful.

There was one silent moment when time stood still before they heard the click of the door echo through the room. As it swung open, Kihyun took one brave step into the open space. He appeared in an oversized gray hoodie that draped over his body, tight black joggers, and a black backpack slung across one shoulder. A baseball cap covered most of his face, hiding his eyes. On the inside Kihyun was a mess of adrenaline, exhaustion and emotion. Hidden by his long sleeves, his hands trembled while he stood, too scared to look at anyone in the room.

Time paused again for one, two, three seconds. Then several things happened at once.

Hoseok let out a loud, desperate a rush of air as if it was no longer trapped in his lungs. The words that followed sounded just as hollow. “Kihyun,” he stuttered, not knowing if he was real.

Kihyun managed to take one more full step into the practice room, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He couldn’t hear anything over the whooshing in his ears, the sound like crashing waves on the beach. Faintly he could see the shapes, then more clearly the members in front of him on the floor. He rubbed against his eyes gently, his contacts uncomfortably dry.

Seeing each individual expression of his members gave him pause. Everything ranged from shock, sadness, to awe. Kihyun tried to backup a step, feeling pressure rush through his veins. This was a mistake. He couldn’t do this, not right now. The panic within him threatened to burst.

The choice was no longer his as Hoseok jumped up from the floor and ran for him first. The others called out Kihyun’s name, louder now. From the corner of his eye Kihyun saw Shownu step forward with arms reaching for him then stopped to put them down, still several feet away. The others crowded around the door, boxing him in. He felt completely overwhelmed.  

Hoseok didn’t stop until he was in front of Kihyun then wrapped his entire body around his smaller frame. A wave of relief crashed through him, causing tears to fall on trembling lips. Caging his arms around Kihyun’s body, he squeezed tight and memorized the feel of his back with his hands.

“Kihyunah.. Kihyunah.. Kihyunah..” Hoseok repeated, his head tucked over Kihyun’s shoulder as two big hands gently pounded on his back to the cadence of his name. He spoke it like his prayers were answered. With each second he held Kihyun, worry left Hoseok’s body and melted into the floor. Around them, the others relaxed their shoulders and watched in silence.

After too long, Kihyun tried to pull away, fully aware of the sets of eyes on them. Feeling flushed pink, his breathing evened out and he could clearly feel each puff of breath that escaped Hoseok’s lips against the shell of his ear. The familiar smell and sounds of Hoseok felt familiar to him but Kihyun struggled to feel much at all. 

With a small push, Hoseok released him reluctantly and stayed by his side, looking up and down and examine him further. Kihyun tried to move away from his scrutiny, stepping further away. His fingers, tight and aching, reached blindly for the door behind him.

Feeling a soft fabric instead, he walked into Changkyun who looked at Kihyun with an expression he’d never seen before. He appeared swollen from lack of sleep and his eyes conveyed a feeling of regret. Tugging on the hem of Kihyun’s sweater, he pulled him closer. Catching him completely off guard, Changkyun wrapped his arms around his stomach for a hug.

Hugging was something he rarely did with Hoseok, let alone the other members. Just like it happened before, Kihyun slowly adjusted to all the feelings of it. The white noise in his ears dulled and a recalibration of sensations wracked through Kihyun’s body. No longer unfamiliar, Kihyun understood being held and comforted felt _good_.

His body gradually relaxed as Changkyun held him upright. The adrenaline he walked in with quickly disappeared and the strength in Kihyun’s legs gave out, causing him to stumble. Changkyun tried to hold him completely, but with too much backward momentum Hoseok grabbed on, holding him too.

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Hoseok reassured, supporting much of Kihyun’s body weight against his chest. Changkyun loosened his arms, but clutched each side of Kihyun’s waist.

Watching on, Shownu rushed forward to steady them all. With one arm at Changkyun’s waist, and the other at Hoseok’s back, Kihyun was firmly held up by his members. His head rolled back against Hoseok’s shoulder and he locked eyes with Shownu. The concern and guilt he saw in those deep brown eyes broke down every wall he had built up.

Jooheon appeared at the other side yelling, “Kihyun, are you okay?”

Kihyun held in a sob, suddenly feeling too much. He shut his eyes and took a moment before trying to stand on his own two feet again. Strong hands held him as he tested the strength of his legs. Wobbling, he still felt unsteady. He reddened with embarrassment. Feeling shame, Kihyun avoided glancing at the other members.

Changkyun squeezed his sides and pleaded, “let us help you, hyung.” The others around him nodded. “You..” Changkyun started to say but cut himself off, the words trapped in his throat. He’d save what was on his mind for later.

Kihyun put up his hands up slowly to surrender. “Okay,” he rasped, the first words he’d said aloud to them all morning. His voice sounded unrecognizable. Trying again, he reached out for Changkyun’s hand and felt reassured as he didn’t fumble or fall, now standing on his own.

Hoseok remained at his back, unconvinced. Jooheon came in closer, hands outstretched ready to catch him. They looked on as if he was a wounded animal. Kihyun hated the pity.

Showing he could do it, Kihyun stepped away from the members and further into the room. He hoped they didn’t see the minor fumbling. “See? I’m fine,” he said softly, holding his hands to his chest. “I’m really fine, really” he added. 

“Kihyun..” Minhyuk murmured in soft tone he rarely used. Kihyun noticed Minhyuk wore the same t-shirt from yesterday, a white one fraying at the back seam. It was now more wrinkled and worn. His eyes seemed streaked with red, as if he hadn’t slept all night.

“Nothing to worry about,” Kihyun replied, moving further to the back to set his bag off to the side. 

“Shouldn’t we talk first?” Jooheon asked, moving towards him again.

Kihyun felt overwhelmed as he approached with others beside him. It was as if he was causing a gravitational pull and everyone followed. Kihyun was the sun and they were the planets in his orbit. Deep down Kihyun knew why they were like this. He now worried if his leaving caused more harm to the group. He could’ve tried to hide his feelings and move on instead. Would that have been any better? Were they disappointed in him? What did any of this mean?

Shownu interfered. “Let’s all give Kihyun a minute,” he suggested and Kihyun sighed in relief.

Hoseok pouted as if it’s the last thing he wanted to do and grumbled aloud. Hyungwon heard it and pushed him back with a large hand, mouthing _back off_. Hoseok agreed and rubbed the tear marks from his cheeks. His eyes followed Kihyun as he moved about the space, hoping he wouldn’t disappear in a puff of smoke. If this wasn’t a dream  _Kihyun was really here._

Hoseok needed to know more, but Shownu was right. Kihyun needed space. 

As Kihyun pulled off his sweatshirt he could consciously feel every set of eyes on his back. Trying to regain his composure, Kihyun tied the sweatshirt around his waist and set his mind to only focus on dance practice and nothing else. It would be hard enough with the feeling his legs might give out at any moment. The after effects of the adrenaline felt like a fog on his body.

But he didn’t want to hold them back any longer. With fake confidence Kihyun walked towards the front of the room near the mirrors and approached their choreographer.

“Sorry I’m late, we can get started,” he said, bowing with respect. Kihyun hoped he didn’t see much of what happened in the last few minutes to question him on it.

“You heard the man, let’s go!” the older man replied and queued up the music to start over.

The others scrambled to get into their starting formation. Rushing back, Kihyun was last to get into proper stance. He ignored their looks of confusion and disbelief.

They walked to talk, not go through with dance practice. Kihyun knew that, he wasn’t that dense. But he was good at avoiding. There were too many feelings inside him that he didn’t know _when or how_ he could talk about it. Talking with Mingyu last night last only felt like the surface. He felt brave from the soju and the raw emotion coursing through him. Now Kihyun felt anything but brave.

Instead, he focused on the music. He wanted to be better for Monsta X.

In front of them their choreographer boomed, “one, two, three!” and they all moved as one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends, thanks for your patience with these chapters. they are taking much longer than i thought to write due to work stress, life stress, and my own damn perfectionism. in this chapter alone i spent hours writing and re-writing scenes that were probably perfectly fine. :) i hope you're still enjoying ~ there's much more to come.. especially the big "talk". please tell me what you think? 
> 
> chat with me on twitter! twitter.com/misslauren514. i'm also seeing mx in chicago this summer so if anyone else is, let me know!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i take full responsibility for all that you read in this chapter. please hang in there until the end, it's a long one! (ps: all mistakes are mine!)
> 
> also, thank you to so many of you for your appreciative words and comments along this journey!

In their practice space all you could hear was heavy breathing and Monsta X’s newest song blaring through the overhead speakers. They had been working with their choreographer on the same routine for hours until sweat dripped and splashed onto the floor.

After awhile, some of the managers and staff came watched a few run-throughs of the song. Dressed in suits and fancy clothes, they quietly watched on from the back and wrote notes on their iPads. One of the directors took videos of the choreography. Before long, they left with disapproving frowns and pointed glances in Kihyun’s direction.

Kihyun’s heart sank to the pit of his stomach.

He was trying so hard. If it were possible for someone to get worse after weeks of practicing, it was him. At first, he couldn’t keep in time with the beat so he was off on specific movements. Then, in the middle section of precise choreo his arms and legs couldn’t move fast enough and he fumbled through. In their recent attempt, he completely ruined a combination leg movement and was standing while others were spinning towards the ground.

Frustration and exhaustion simmered within him mistake after mistake.  

Kihyun felt utterly defeated.

When the staff left Kihyun sighed out loud and wiped at the sweat dripping from his forehead and off back of his neck with his fingers. His shirt was soaked in parts, clinging to his narrow frame. He wished he brought another set of clothes, a towel, a bottle of water, _anything_.

Dying of thirst, Kihyun was too scared to ask any of the others to share. He knew their worried eyes followed him wherever he went, full of questions and curiosities he couldn’t satisfy. Worse than their stares were the soft, pitied glances and hesitant smiles they gave each time he messed up. Utterly ashamed, that alone made him want to run away and hide. If he was being honest with himself, he contemplated it more than once since arriving that morning.

Instead of leaving Kihyun coped in his own ways. He breathed in and on the exhale he pressed his fingernails into his palms, pressing hard. Small crescent moon shapes spread across the tough skin, some shallow, others deep. The pain no longer caused him to gasp each time, but each marking served as a reminder of his mistakes.

Off to the side, he’d he kept to himself and watched his members with hands clenched.

They needed to cool down from hours of dancing. Shownu poured a water bottle over himself and shook out his dark wet hair, getting the back corner of the studio wet. Hoseok, only a few feet away, laughed when the water splashed against his shoes. He shoved him playfully, shouting words too fast for Kihyun to hear. Hyungwon sprawled out on the floor, hands rested over each eye to block out the fluorescent beams overhead. The rappers sipped their water quietly and talked softly with Minhyuk while he played with his hair.

“C’mon, no breaks guys, let’s go again.” Their choreographer shouted to get everyone’s attention, then locked his gaze on Kihyun. He noticed quickly then looked to the ground, listening to the older man say, “We can’t show that kind of performance to the staff again. You embarrassed me.”

Each word echoed through the room right into Kihyun’s ears. The shame he felt grew hotter, heating his body and coloring both ears and cheeks with red.

Next to him Changkyun grumbled. “That’s a bit unfair, hyung..”

It wasn’t that Kihyun wasn’t trying. No, he was trying so hard. Repeating their song over and over again his body felt weaker each time they rehearsed. A shaking trembled through his hands and spread across his arms from frustration or exhaustion, he didn’t know.

Kihyun needed to be strong and focused and precise. Today, he was none of those things.

Even then he appreciated Changkyun’s words supporting him. He gave him a soft nod in thanks then quickly looked away.

The most frustrating thing was that Kihyun _knew_ this choreo top to bottom, down to every second and every movement. They’d been learning and practicing for weeks and he studied every part he had meticulously. Instead of sleeping there were nights he spent in bed watching videos of their choreography over and over again monitoring each move.

 _Was it all just a waste of time?_ Kihyun mused, stuck in his own thoughts again.

“Let’s go!” The choreographer shouted through cupped hands. Grunts and the sound of feet shuffling filled the room. Within seconds each member stood in starting formation.

Kihyun gulped, his throat dry, and waited for the music to play. _One, two, three,_ he counted in sync with the choreographer and they started from the beginning. The intro chords played and Kihyun turned on his stage persona. That version of him was self-confident and talented.

For three and a half minutes Kihyun focused and did everything as memorized from the routine alongside his members. Sweat dripped in his eyes and coated his pale skin. Near the end of the song his whole body sagged with heaviness. Huffing loudly, he pushed his body to it’s limits and finished, not caring how he had to do it.

The music cut and he stalked off to the wall of windows, leaning his overheated body against the cool, hard glass. Air couldn’t fill his lungs fast enough. Heaving heavily, he gasped for breath and clenched his hands once more, then twice.

Kihyun felt eyes on his back starting right through him. He knew that it still wasn’t good enough. Their choreographer didn’t need to say the words. No one did.

Hoseok couldn’t stand to watch Kihyun struggle. Approaching him slowly, he reassured him with a soft, caring smile, “it’s okay Kihyunnie, don’t worry.” His calloused hand reached for Kihyun’s shoulder, affectionately rubbing in circles. Hoseok felt heat and stress radiating from his body.  

Kihyun shook his head sadly and stared out the window. Hoseok used the opportunity to look at him, really look at him for the first time since they all arrived hours ago.

They were both sweaty and tired, but there was something different in the way Kihyun stood in front of him. Pale, small, and trembling, Kihyun seemed broken and scared. The fire and light in his eyes had gone out, only to be replaced by dark, black pools of uncertainty and doubt.

This wasn’t their confident, talented, main vocal. Worry filled Hoseok as he stared at the version of Kihyun that was right in front of him.

Kihyun had avoided talking to them all morning and focused on practice. It was clear that something _else_ was going on. Hoseok knew how much the stress of their work affected Kihyun, much more than the others. He didn’t know what to do or say.

All of the uncertainty made Hoseok want to scream and shake Kihyun, begging him to talk.

Stepping away from Hoseok, Kihyun could feel the intensity of his stare and ignored the questions that were written all over his face. He couldn’t talk about it, _not right now_. It was all he could do to stay upright and focus on their choreography. In the short moments between practicing it was hard to avoid the numbing, fatigue setting in. It was a deep, wholly tired feeling he felt down to his bones. Ignoring those feelings he walked back to the middle of the room.

Shownu immediately came to his side and helped him re-learn the final sequence of movements. He showed Kihyun slowly and carefully, detailing everything from muscle memory.

Kihyun listened as well as he could over the soft frequency that slowly filled his ears. Startled, he rubbed at his ears and snuck a glance around the room, unsure of what he was hearing. His eyes darted wall to wall, across the ceiling, and all over the room to find out where it was from.

Noticing his inattention, Shownu paused his demonstration and asked, “Kihyun?”  

“What’s that noise?” Kihyun stopped, anxiety rising in his chest.

“What noise?”

“The noise,” he repeated to Shownu, taking in the confused look on his face. Kihyun couldn’t be the only one hearing the faint sound. He thought it was like white noise or crashing waves like the ones they heard at the beach.  

Were the speakers blowing out from overuse? Was it coming from outside the room?  

“There’s no noise, Kihyun,” Hyungwon gave him a curious, worried look and stood next to Shownu, draping a long arm across his shoulder.

“You’re probably right,” he laughed it off. The sound echoed through his ears, faint and soft like a whisper. Today was turning out to be a completely awful day. Kihyun was tired, sore, stressed, frustrated, and now suddenly _hearing_ things. He didn’t know how much more he could take.

There was no time to dwell on it as the choreographer shouted "again from the top! _"_

This time Kihyun started off wrong and went from bad to worse. Seconds into the first chorus he collided with Minhyuk turning right when he should’ve turned left. A jolt shot through Kihyun’s right leg starting from his knee. Hissing from the pain he stumbled forward.

Minhyuk grabbed him by the shoulders so he wouldn’t fall down, holding him up until he was steady on his feet. “You alright, Kihyunssi?” Minhyuk lowered his head to meet his eyes.

Jooheon rushed to his side and put a hand on Kihyun’s lower back, holding him upright. For a moment, the room spun around until his equilibrium recovered. The humming in his ears changed pitch now louder and bolder. Standing weakly on his own two feet, he couldn’t bear to have the other members hold him up any longer.

Kihyun nodded and mumbled “mhmm” through gritted teeth. “M’fine,” he turned his head to Jooheon who backed away half a step, still unconvinced. The initial pain from the impact wore off and dulled to a steady ache. He deserved the pain. He knew exactly the moment he screwed up, remembering the direction to turn. Why did he go right when he knew it was left?

Their choreographer was at the end of his patience.  

“Kihyun!” he yelled, startling all the members. This was the first time raised his voice, previously correcting Kihyun in a normal tone or offering helpful suggestions when he could.

Kihyun gazed at a dark spot on the wood floor and wished he could disappear in that very moment. Holding his hands behind his back in a tight grip, he waited for the harsh words he deserved to hear.

“Where is your head at? You can’t give us one full run-through of the song without a mistake,” he chastised him, coming at him with arms raised. “What’s going on with you? This isn’t you,” he roared, mouth open. “I’ve never seen you like this!”

Kihyun flinched and remained silent for a moment. To his side Hoseok took a step closer to him protectively, puffing out his chest. Shownu stood to full height behind him with hands clenched at his sides. He wished they wouldn’t stick up for him. Every word he said rang true.

There were no excuses. Kihyun just needed to be better.

He bowed to apologize. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely, his voice rough like gravel. His throat was dry and parched. “I’ll practice on my own to get it right. I know I’m wasting your time, everyone’s time..” he rasped and looked to his members with tears filling his eyes. He was so sorry to them for ruining practice. Ruining their comeback preparations. Ruining everything.

Kihyun hoped they knew how hard he was trying. How much he wished he was better. Jooheon, Changkyun, Minhyuk, Hyungwon, Shownu, and Hoseok stared at him with looks that made him feel stripped bare. Could they see past him.. at all he hid deep beneath the surface?

“I’ll try harder,” he pleaded, turning to face the choreographer. Desperation filled his words.

“You better try harder,” the choreographer agreed. “You need to be perfect.”

The added pressure made Kihyun’s heart sink and his thoughts swirled to dangerous, dark places. Hearing the word perfect triggered so much self-doubt. _Am I really not good enough? Why can’t I do a single thing right today? What if I don’t get better?_ Stress built up inside him like a volcano. Everything felt blurred between truths and lies _._

The members watched him turn pale and gray. Helplessness filled them one by one.

“Let’s go again,” Kihyun finally said with low voice, wiping away his tears.

He felt a strong burning desire to prove he could do it. To prove he wasn’t the sum of his mistakes. To prove he belonged.

“Why don’t we take a break? Then we can try the other new choreo instead,” Hoseok asked quickly. It broke his heart to see Kihyun blame himself. He knew the others felt the same way.

What the all needed was rest, not more practice. Hoseok noticed how gaunt Kihyun’s face had turned hour by hour, dark purple marks blooming under his eyes. He saw exhaustion take control, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Hoseok wanted to scoop him up and put him to bed for a quiet, dreamless sleep. Curled up together, he could make Kihyun better.

“Yeah, I like that idea,” Hyungwon agreed, nodding in Hoseok’s direction. Strands of long black hair fell into his eyes and he brushed them away using both hands.

“No, no we should keep going,” Kihyun said stubbornly. He grit his teeth and stared at Hoseok, then Hyungwon. They towered over him and didn’t back down, staring back with their own questioning looks. Changkyun, Shownu, Jooheon, and Minhyuk backed them up.

It was a fight he’d never win.

Huffing loudly Kihyun waited for the choreographer to decide, ignoring the tightness that filled his chest and his throat.

“Let’s just go again, shall we?” The choreographer walked to the back of the room and sat on a black stool. Looking with skeptical eyes, he counted off again and restarted the song.

From the first beat Kihyun danced precisely and each transition felt smooth. He moved around the space with power and intensity. When it was his turn at the center his facial expressions were spot on in all the right parts. He even smiled, showing off his straight, white teeth.

It was taking every single ounce of effort and energy he had left in his body but he could do it. He was doing it. _This is it._

The song was nearly over and he knew he’d make it perfectly through to end.. until he felt a weakness in his knee. Without pause it buckled suddenly and he fumbled down to the floor. The impact on his knees sounded through the room like hard, heavy snap, stopping everyone mid-motion.

He howled and grit his teeth, clenching. Kihyun couldn’t immediately feel the pain. Instead, chills ran up and down his spine, then across both arms and legs. Goosebumps covered every inch of his skin and he trembled to his core in body-shaking aftershocks.

Minhyuk and Shownu rushed for him first.

“Kihyun! Kihyun! Are you okay?” Minhyuk’s voice reached a high, nervous pitch. His hands padded over him over Kihyun’s body. It felt warm, too warm. Sweat coated every exposed piece of skin and drenched his clothes. Watching with wide eyes, Minhyuk waited for him to respond.

Kihyun panted and heaved, unable to breathe. His whole body trembled with adrenaline and something _else_. Blood rushed through his body, coloring his pale skin with shades of red and pink. Splotches formed on his cheeks, his neck, and across his chest. Sweat slicked across his skin, mixing with tears that fell from red, swollen eyes.  

Kihyun had reached his limit. It was an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling.

Their music continued to blare through the speakers overhead. Too loud for his sensitive ears, Kihyun’s hands rushed to cover them, muffling the noise.

“It’s too loud,” Kihyun hissed, his voice hoarse and weak. All he could hear was the pulsing beat pounding through his skull. “It’s too loud!” he shouted into the floor, clutching his ears.

“What hurts?” Shownu asked sympathetically, moving his hands across Kihyun’s legs. He gently felt his knees then grabbed his arm. “Tell us what hurts,” he asked again, yet Kihyun could no longer make a sound. Dry, cracked lips opened and only huffs of air came out.

Shownu’s brown eyes were desperate, pleading with him to say anything. Minhyuk sat silently at his side, stunned and speechless. Shownu and Kihyun locked eyes as the leader assessed his team member. He couldn’t tell him the truth with words, but Kihyun conveyed it with sad, watery eyes. Everything, Shownu. _Everything._

Kihyun wheezed as his body rolled through each terrible and new sensation. He struggled to breathe, each breath short and unfulfilling. Gasping, he was desperate for more air. The lungs he so desperately relied on felt hard like stone.

His eyes fluttered shut and he curled his body towards the floor, the feel of failure and exhaustion coursing through his veins. Laying on his side, he hands remained clutched on his ears, pulling his head forward and in. The floor felt dirty and hard on his worn, broken body.

Their comeback song continued to play through the speakers and he heard his own voice on the recording mocking him. It was a version of himself he no longer remembered how to be. Proud, confident, talented. Kihyun wanted to scream _turn it off!_ _It’s too loud_.

“Kihyun!” Shownu yelled, one hand rested on his chest over his racing heart. The other raised up to his cheek, feeling his clenched jaw. “Kihyun!” With no response, he yelled to the choreographer “We need help!” who ran out of the room before Shownu finished his sentence.

Kihyun could faintly feel someone’s presence on his other side. They shouted in his ear, “Kihyunah? Kihyunah?” the voice cried. It reminded him of Hoseok.

 _Too loud._ _Everything is too loud._

Kihyun’s words felt trapped as the spinning in his head took over. He opened his eyes after a few seconds and bright lights blinded him. Avoiding the light, he moved too quickly and the room tilted sideways. It was enough to make his stomach churn. Kihyun pressed his cheek to the hardwood floor and closed his eyes, trying not to get sick.

Finally the music stopped and Kihyun felt the pounding of his heart. It beat rapidly and echoed through his ears and off the floor _thum, thum thum, thum, thum thum_.

“Kihyunah, can you hear me?” Hoseok pleaded, his lips at his other ear. “Kihyunah!” Hoseok’s hands roamed softly over the skin at Kihyun’s neck, over his cheek, then down his sweaty chest. Hoseok cried, tears splashing over his t-shirt as he watched Kihyun carefully.

“What can we do?” Hoseok repeated once, then two and three times more, pleading with Kihyun. His thumb traced the outer edge of his dry, parted lips. “Bring me some water!” He shouted to anyone and sighed in relief when he heard movement behind him.

Kihyun felt the gentle way he caressed his face. Each touch was soft and comforting among the fury and fire he felt everywhere else. He tried so hard to speak, to tell them something, anything.. yet the air in his lungs produced no real sound.

Jooheon kneeled next Kihyun and held a half-empty water bottle. He leaned down awkwardly and put the opening to his lips. Drops dribbled into his mouth while others fell onto the floor. It was a sweet, short relief. His body needed so much more.

“Better?” Jooheon asked.

Just about to ask for more, Kihyun was distracted by an intense physical pain that pulsed and ached. Trying to move and re-adjust, Kihyun rolled his legs slightly and endured a sharp pain piercing his knee. The pain spread through his whole leg and across his lower half. Hissing, he sucked oxygen to his lungs over and over again, struggling to endure it.

There was a hand at his back. “Breath, Kihyunnie.. Breathe, please breathe..” Hoseok was there again, pleading with him. His hand rubbed in circles, frantically trying to soothe.

The pain was dizzying. _I’m trying_ , Kihyun wished he could say.

The pain he felt physically collided with the pain and frustration he felt emotionally. It was the perfect dark storm and Kihyun was trapped inside. With each of his members surrounding him, he didn’t want to drag them any further into it along with him. He just wanted to be _alone_.

The dizziness slowly crept up and Kihyun’s head lolled back, hitting the floor.

“Kihyun!” someone yelled, panicked. He heard other voices muffled in the background. Each voice seemed familiar, yet far away. The whooshing in his ears roared again then crashed like a cymbal. Slamming his eyes shut, Kihyun gave in to the overwhelming feelings one by one.

It was too much, it was all too much.

Overpowering the storm that was churning inside of him, he finally found the voice to whisper, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.. I can’t do it,” he repeated, loosening his clenched hands. They moved to wrap around his torso. He felt so small, so breakable. “I can’t do this.. I can’t do this..”

He was coming undone and he the last thing he wanted was for everyone he loved to watch.

Desperate to run and hide, Kihyun pushed off the floor with shaky hands and hoisted himself up on unsteady legs. Pain flashed through him like lightning, striking once then twice. He endured it through gritted teeth and sheer determination. He needed to be alone.

Around him, the members mouths fell open, stunned and silent. They watched on with disbelief as he rushed out into the hall, following the ceiling lights as he went. _One, two, three,_ he counted and turned left, knowing from memory he was going near the storage room and away from the elevator. There he would be safe and alone and hidden from sight.

It was only two more seconds before his legs gave out and Kihyun slumped against the wall. Leaning on the plaster for support, his hands brushed stray hairs out of his face. It was then he realized he’d been crying, tears streaming down his face in steady, wet streams.

Collapsed on the hard ground, the sudden rush of energy left his body like one big tidal wave. In its wake was a chilling sensation, turing his body from warm to ice cold.

_I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this._

He was alone for half a minute before his ears picked up the sound of feet shuffling down the hall. “Kihyun!” Jooheon yelled for him. He heard Shownu’s voice too.

Kihyun flinched.

There was a brief moment of silence then the shuffling of feet stopped short of where he lay.

“Kihyunnie, _Kihyunnie_ ,” Changkyun’s said staring at his crumpled, shaking body. He heard sobs that came from somewhere deep within. His heart broke but he couldn’t look away. Bringing his hands up to his face, he chewed on his fingers as they all watched.

More tears fell in earnest as Kihyun knew they had found him. It was a futile hope. He stared at the wall, eyelids heavy and whispered, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” Sobbing, Kihyun repeated those words like a penance, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this..”

More people stumbled in the hallway, abruptly stopping beside Changkyun. The staff looked on and took in the full scene.

The members watched over Kihyun, crying and visibly upset. Kihyun curled up on the floor against the wall, each leg bent at an odd angle.

“No, no, no, no,” Kihyun begged, rubbing his hands over his eyes. Each word was barely above a whisper. Wetness and something soft coated his fingers.

“I can’t do it, I can’t do it,” he pleaded with them. Spots filled his vision, white and orange over black. He could no longer see, accidentally rubbing his contacts out.

“Kihyunnie,” Hoseok asked, his voice breaking on the words, “Can I come to you?”

Kihyun shook his head as fast as he could, mumbling _no_ over and over again. He regretted the movement. Dizziness returned and the walls around him moved. His body flushed with a cold chill, goosebumps covering his skin. On the inside he was burning up into flames.   

“Do you want my sweatshirt, hyung?” He heard Changkyung ask, then heard him shuffle closer. “You’re shivering..”

Kihyun shook his head again, not understanding the question. Sweat dripped from his temples.

“M’fine,” he whispered, curling up against the dirty wall. “M’fine, m’fine,” Kihyun repeated despite the heavy fog that approached him, too fast to stop in its tracks.

“You’re not okay,” Hoseok cried and pushed through to reach Kihyun. He put his palm against his forehead and felt it burning up. “You’re not okay, Kihyunnie,” he shook his head and stared at his face. Through clouded vision Kihyun could barely see him back.

“Hyung..” Kihyun spoke, dragging out the sound. He tried again, “Hyung..”

“He’s burning up,” Hoseok shouted and looked to the staff. Some pulled out their phones and went into manager mode.

“Kihyunnie, I’m here,” he sobbed and cradled Kihyun’s face, both hands cupping his cheeks.

“I.. can’t do this,” Kihyun slurred, knowing the storm had run its course. The pain he felt earlier softened to a manageable, fixed ache. Numbness settled in him heavy like a fog. His whole body felt weak and soft. He was so, so tired.

Kihyun’s eyes fluttered closed. He struggled to stay present, to stay with them..

“Kihyun!” Hoseok yelled, pulling him onto his lap. The others moved closer and surrounded him. Hands felt around his body, reaching for him. Each touch was soft and gentle and light.

“I’m so tired..” he murmured before the fog claimed him.

His name was the last thing he heard before he closed his eyes.

 

!*!*!

 

Kihyun woke up to an overwhelming thirst for water.

Blinking open his eyes, the space around him was far too bright. Each wall was painted white and large windows to his left let in beams of sunlight. He squinted and rubbed at his eyes.

_This is not my room._

Kihyun heard the soft hum of snoring near him. He was not alone.

_Where am I?_

Moving slightly, he adjusted the blankets off his body and noticed the faint outline of an IV in his right hand for the first time. Itching the tape across it he felt a bump underneath. Pulling the cord, Kihyun looked closely where the IV drip connected to a tall, steel stand.

Near him on the bed Hoseok dozed off in a small leather armchair, legs dangling over the edge. He could tell it was him from the dark, messy hair and his wide, muscular shoulders. His hand lay awkwardly near Kihyun’s side and silver-rimmed glasses peeked out from between his fingers.

Kihyun grabbed at them slowly and pulled, careful not to wake him. He rested them on the crook of his nose and blinked again to adjust. Fully seeing again, he followed the slow rise and fall of Hoseok’s chest and watched him sleep.

On the other side of room he found the source of the snoring sleeping soundly on the couch. Shownu curled up in the too-small space and slept with a blue blanket draped across him.

Kihyun was alone with his hyungs. They looked exhausted.

The bed he laid on looked like a proper hospital bed. The sterile smell, scratchy sheets, and extra machines near him pointed at the obvious conclusion.

_How did I get here?_

To his right the door to his room slid open with minimal sound. Hyungwon, Minhyuk, Changkyun, and Jooheon walked through carrying coffees. Jooheon and Changkyun walked in first and stopped in their tracks. They stared at him with wide opened mouths. Minhyuk and Hyungwon walked into them, spilling a little bit of coffee on the floor.  

“Why, why, why?” Minhyuk whispered, complaining at Jooheon. He looked up and noticed Kihyun’s deep brown eyes, open and staring back, and the way he was sitting up in bed. A smile broke out across Minhyuk’s face only to be quickly replaced with sadness and worry.

“Hyung!” Changkyun said rushed to his left side.

His voice startled Hoseok who jolted awake, mumbling and licking his lips. “What?” he asked softly as he came to consciousness, looking around for Changkyun.

He looked to his side and beamed seeing Kihyun up and alert. Hoseok scooted his chair closer to the bed, resting his sleepy head on it. Staring, he monitored Kihyun’s condition.  

Kihyun moved his IV hand gently and gave Hoseok a soft pat on the head, smoothing out his messy hair.

“Kihyun.. Hyung, how are you feeling?” Hyungwon asked, standing at the foot of his bed.

“A little tired, but okay. I think,” Kihyun answered honestly. His voice was rough as he spoke. He coughed a bit from the dryness in his throat. He searched around for water and spotted a blue pitcher on the side table.

Changkyun moved to pour him a cup, handing it to him gently.

Kihyun took it from him, noticing a slight shake in his hands. He held onto it as steady as he could and brought the cup to his lips, drinking deeply. Water spilled from the corners of his mouth onto his chin, a few drops falling onto his hospital gown.

_When did they change my clothes?_

“It’s okay,” Hoseok brushed his fingers against Kihyun’s chin to wipe away the water. “We can get you some more,” he locked eyes with Changkyun who took the cup from Kihyun’s hands and refilled it.

This time Hoseok helped Kihyun hold the cup and he drank again, finishing it in three big gulps. Hoseok grabbed the empty cup from him and asserted, “that’s enough for now.”

Kihyun sighed, pouting at him with his lower lip and eyes that were hard to say no to.

“Don’t give me that look.. You need to take it easy,” Hoseok explained. He was seconds from giving in. It was hard to deny Kihyun anything when he looked that cute.

“You’re dehydrated,” Changkyun told him softly.

Minhyuk had moved to his side and sat on the arm of Changkyun’s chair. “Had a fever, too,” Minhyuk added. They both carefully watched him take in the news. “It’s what we overheard the doctors say.”

“This,” Hoseok pointed to the IV in his hand, “is helping you feel better.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Kihyun replied. The pieces of his memory slowly came together as he comprehended the words they said.

Shownu’s snores became louder as they talked and Kihyun’s eyes wandered to where he lay. Jooheon noticed his gaze and explained, “Shownu carried you out of the company. He was so worried.. I-I think he needs more rest.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Kihyun repeated again, nodding. _Carried me?_ His memory was too fuzzy to remember that part or much of anything after ran out of the dance studio. 

“You were really out of it..” Minhyuk shared, leaning forward to grab Kihyun’s hand. He held it softly between his long fingers. “Do you want to sleep more?”

“Yeah, are you tired Kihyunnie?” Hoseok asked too. He grasped Kihyun’s other hand, rubbing their palms together for warmth.

“Mhm,” he nodded once. A warm feeling spread from his hands through the rest of his body. “But I don’t want to sleep again yet. I feel groggy..”

“You’ve been asleep for a couple of hours,” Minhyuk told him.

“It’s almost night time.” Jooheon added.

Kihyun tried to organize every bit of information they shared. There were still many things he couldn’t piece together.

“I think they sedated you a bit,” Changkyun looked at him through dark black lashes.

His eyes connected with Kihyun’s and didn’t look away. He pushed Minhyuk’s hand away, taking his turn to hold Kihyun’s hand. Holding it tightly, he felt the small indentations across his palm. Confused, Changkyun turned his hand and looked down at the markings. Taking in each one, his stomach twisted in pain when he realized what Kihyun had done. Biting his lip, he held in the tears that filled his waterline and the words he wanted say.

Kihyun felt each touch and flooded with shame as Changkyun’s face faded white. “I’m sorry, Changkyunnie..” Kihyun muttered.

Changkyun shook his head. “No, we are.” He squeezed Kihyun’s hand again and held it gently. He used the pad of this thumb to softly rub and trace the marks, erasing his pain.

The bright light in the room faded to a soft yellow as the sun began to set. It had been such a long day for them all. Kihyun could hardly wrap his mind around every thing that happened.

_Was it all real? What would happen now?_

Around him the others were just as deep in thought and Kihyun felt the mood shift. Many of his members had tears in their eyes as they glanced at him.

“We didn’t know how much you were struggling, Ki,” Jooheon revealed, his voice uneven. He grabbed Kihyun’s leg and rubbed it over the blankets.

Hoseok wrapped both of his hands around Kihyun’s when Jooheon spoke and squeezed, emphasizing the words. “We wished we knew, Kihyunah.. We’re so sorry,” Hoseok cried, apologizing again. “We wish we could go back..”

“Don’t,” Kihyun murmured. “It’s my fault, I thought I could handle it myself.” He looked to the members around him. “Don’t think it’s your fault.. It’s mine.” Kihyun hung his head and bit his trembling lower lip. Tears fell freely and he didn’t bother to wipe them away.

Changkyun sighed loudly, looking up to face him. “Let’s talk about that later..” he used his free hand to grab a tissue and softly padded Kihyun’s cheeks, his chin, his neck. Changkyun’s breath tickled Kihyun’s face as he spoke, “What’s more important is that you feel okay. So let’s talk about that.”

Kihyun catalogued everything he had felt since waking up. It was a stark contrast to what he experienced only hours ago.“I feel.. Calm. It’s a bit,” Kihyun struggled to find the right word. “..it’s a bit weird.”

“That might be the medicine. You were.. not quite yourself when we brought you here. I think they gave you a few things,” Hyungwon mentioned. “We’re not entirely sure.”

Kihyun nodded. He was grateful to feel calm and relaxed. It was far better than the stress and anxiety that caused this whole mess.

Jooheon continued to softly rub his leg and Kihyun’s mind flashed to memories of the terrible pain he endured. Stretching slightly, he tested each limb for signs of pain or weakness.

“How does it feel?” Jooheon asked, nodding towards his knee. “It’s this one that hurts, right?” He massaged his hands softly over the right one.

Next to him Hoseok took in a sharp breath and said, “Be careful!”

Kihyun squeezed Hoseok’s hand to assure him he was fine. “It’s alright, hyung.” Once Hoseok visibly relaxed, Kihyun adjusted his hand to wrap around Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I want to try to stand,” Kihyun announced. He held tightly onto Hoseok and Jooheon reached forward, his arm wrapped around Kihyun’s left side. Changkyun moved around the bed with Minhyuk and Hyungwon, circling Kihyun in case he fell.

Sliding his feet from the bed to the floor, he hissed when his bare toes against the cold tile. Hoseok immediately looked to his face with worry. “It’s just cold,” Kihyun said, pushing his glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

Hyungwon padded off to the side of the room and searched through a bag on the floor and pulled out slippers. He returned to Kihyun’s side and slipped them on his feet.

“Thank you.”

“We wanted to make sure you would be comfortable.” Hyungwon offered.

They stared at him as he started to move.

“I’ve never had this much attention from you all,” Kihyun laughed nervously. He pressed his left foot against the floor and slowly rose up on it. His leg was weak and a bit sore, but nothing some rest and stretching wouldn’t fix.

“Maybe you need some scans or tests before you do this,” Changkyun said through gritted teeth. It would be hard for any of them forget the sound of Kihyun falling to the floor or the minutes that followed.

Changkyun rubbed the back of his neck and watched Kihyun shift his weight to put pressure on his right leg. Kihyun gripped Hoseok harder with one hand and Jooheon with the other. Each time he moved the pins and needles sensation tingled through his leg. His slipper reached the floor and they all held in a collective breath.

“It’s still asleep,” Kihyun grumbled. “It feels a bit numb.”

“Should I rub it?” Hoseok offered. “Help get the feeling back?”

Kihyun pressed down a bit more on his toes and sucked in a breath. “Just give me a minute to try something..” He pressed his weight down on his foot, not fully feeling. Trying to walk a step, Kihyun’s leg gave out and he fell forward. Jooheon caught him by the side and grunted from the added weight. Minhyuk and Hyungwon helped push him upright, then back on the bed.

“Okay, okay,” Jooheon said. “You’re done. Enough experimenting.. You not allowed to try anything until you see the doctors.”

“And get scans!” Changkyun emphasized.

“I just wanted to see if I could walk myself,” Kihyun mumbled under his breath.

Hoseok curled around Kihyun, tucking him in with the bedsheet. “Jooheon’s right. Let’s talk to the doctors, okay Kihyunnie? Oh-kay,” he emphasized the last words while his hand smoothed over the sheet. Satisfied with his work, he sat back in the nearby chair.

Kihyun folded his hands together and nodded once. He knew he didn’t have much of a say.

A large hand covered both of his and he looked up to see Minhyuk smiling. “We’ll stay with you, okay? You don’t have to talk to them alone.”

“Are they outside?” Kihyun wondered.

Hyungwon answered him. “They gave you medicines and we told them we’d wait until you woke up. We didn’t want you to feel panicked..” his voice trailed off. “I can go get them.”

“I’ll wake up Shownu,” Changkyun offered and pulled Minhyuk with him. Jooheon followed Hyungwon out of the room, scanning his phone as he went.  

In their small little bubble of privacy, Hoseok leaned in and nuzzled his face against Kihyun’s small hand, pressing small kisses into his palm. It tickled Kihyun but Hoseok refused to pull away.  

“They said you had a panic attack. Maybe more than one..” Hoseok whispered low enough so only Kihyun could hear. They gazed at each other and he continued, “They’ll explain more.” He flipped Kihyun’s hand over, kissing gently around the IV in a square. “Then we can get rid of this and go home.”

“Oh-kay,” Kihyun replied exactly how Hoseok said it earlier. He smiled softly at his best friend.

“Oh-kay.” Hoseok grinned back, the kind of smile that twinkled his dark eyes.

Behind them Shownu stirred awake like an angry bear. “I’m hungry,” he complained sleepily, forgetting for a moment where he was.  

Kihyun laughed, a real belly laugh, for the first time all day. “At least some things don’t change..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for sticking it out. chapters 9 and 10 left. look forward to fluff. :) i promise i can write more than angst! 
> 
> let's be friends! twitter.com/misslauren514. there we can fangirl over kihyun, wonho, and all things kiho. i also share my every changing bias wreckers. lately it's changkyun, but sometimes it's jooheon or shownu.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is anyone out there still reading this? if you are, thanks for your patience and support. here is the second to last chapter. i really hope you enjoy.

“I… don’t really feel like myself,” Kihyun admitted shyly. He pulled at the sheets around him and fisted them between his hands. 

Shownu and the rest of the members left his room leaving him alone with Hoseok. He listened to Kihyun speak while wringing out a cloth dipped in cold water. He put it against his small forehead where warmth bloomed again, careful to avoid his hair. Hoseok took a few moments to answer, catering to Kihyun’s physical condition every moment he could. “Just feel whatever you feel, it’s all okay.” 

“Hyung.. You don’t have to do that.” Kihyun put out a hand to stop him and accidentally tugged on his IV.  

Hosoek shook his head. “We’re all going to take care of you from here on out.”

“That’s too much.” Kihyun frowned and pouted his lower lip out. His lips were still dry and chapped as he rubbed his thumb across the tender skin. “I’ll take care of my condition better. I promise.” 

“No promises needed. It’s time we changed a few things, so stop your pouting.” Hoseok winked and pressed a finger to Kihyun’s lips. “Although it’s cute.. even sick you’re cute. It’s not fair.” 

Kihyun sighed and pulled his head to the side. He needed to hide the blush on his cheeks, the creep of red that flushed down his neck. Hoseok complimented him often but it felt different this time. Everything felt a little different now. Out the window, Kihyun watched the shades of orange and yellow and pink turn dark and inky as it all merged into night.  

Hoseok diligently pressed the cloth to Kihyun’s neck then gently around the sides and up to his forehead. It felt cool and soothing against his warm skin. “Maybe your fever is coming back.  You’re getting quite red again.” He mentioned as he tended to him. 

“No, m’fine, really.” Kihyun couldn’t tell him _he_ was the reason for it. 

“What’s on your mind, Kihyunnie?” he blurted out when silence fell between them. 

Kihyun shrugged and instantly regretted the movement. His whole body felt warm and tight and sore all over. “The medicine makes me feel.. weird. Or maybe my mind is just too…” he didn’t finish his sentence. Kihyun shook his head. “I don’t know, I just don’t know.” 

For a moment Hoseok was transported back to that hallway where Kihyun repeated similar words. _I can’t do this, I can’t do this._ It haunted him seeing Kihyun broken beyond anything he’d ever seen before. He knew none of them would ever let things get that far again. They would take care of Kihyun, take care of everyone. Monsta X wasn’t anything without it’s members. 

“You went through a lot,” Hoseok reminded him and threaded their fingers together over the blanket. His fingers were slightly wrinkled from the moist cloth. If he felt Kihyun’s marks on his palms, he didn’t comment on it. “We’ll figure it out, okay? The doctors will help.” 

Kihyun’s stomach growled with an embarrassingly loud noise, effectively ending the serious moment. For a few more seconds it decided to grumble some more. Hoseok laughed, his smile big and asked “hungry?”

“I.. I must not have eaten since yesterday,” Kihyun thought out loud. 

Soft fingers brushed over Kihyun’s sore knuckles. “We’ll fix that soon.. I’ll buy you whatever you want to eat.” Sincerity filled his words. Hoseok loved and cared for others through food. If he ate a dish that reminded him of his mom he often cried and needed to call her to say hi. 

“Thank you,” Kihyun murmured and meant it. He was forever grateful to him and the others for staying by his side. He didn’t feel like he deserved it.. He let them down so much. His stomach dropped as he instantly remembered their comeback as if just remembering where they were. 

Kihyun sought out Hoseok and they locked eyes “the comeback..” he asked softly. “Our schedules?” It flooded back to him.. after dance practice they were to go to a photoshoot and press interview. They weren’t supposed to be in the hospital. “I screwed it all up..”

“Hey, Kihyunnie,” he interrupted. “It’s okay. Our schedules today and tomorrow are clear.” Hoseok maintained eye contact with him until his heard each word. 

Kihyun sagged against the soft pillows. “Clear?” he whispered in disbelief. 

“Clear. Nothing. Zero. Nada.” 

“How? We..”

“Shhh.. We all wanted some time off. I just didn’t realize you’d have to collapse for us to get it..” Kihyun looked at him with widening eyes. “I’m just joking!” Hoseok put up his hands in surrender, seeing the panic all over Kihyun’s face. 

Kihyun’s memories came back each minute he stayed awake. Hoseok didn’t need to remind him of what happened. He remembered how he felt in the studio. The effort it took to practice over and over again. The mental breakdown he had each time he failed. The pain his body endured running into the hallway. How it felt to collapse against the wall and hit the ground. 

Everything about the last two days he wished he could erase and do over. Shame would have overwhelmed him if it wasn’t for the medicine they gave him. He knew he’d be too embarrassed to face his members again if it wore off and he was back to his old self. 

A few tears slipped from Kihyun’s eyes as the memories and thoughts continued to flood through him. At the same time the door slid open and Changkyun and a tall female wearing a white coat walked through. 

“Kihyunnah! Are you okay?” Changkyun noticed his sadness immediately and rushed to his other side. “Are you hurt? Hoseok what did you do!” Accusatory glances shot around the room. 

Kihyun hastily wiped at the moisture. “I’m okay, really. I’m okay. Just.. overwhelmed.” It wasn’t a lie. That feeling was real and the honest truth. It just wasn’t his only feeling. 

“Okay..” Chankgyun sighed in relief and went to sit on the couch. 

“I’m Dr. Yoon,” the mid-thirties doctor announced, still standing near the door. She had kind, dark eyes and long black hair. It swept across her shoulders in an elegant way. 

Her voice was clear, “We have some questions we’d like to go over with you.” Kihyun nodded solemnly. “Then we can talk more about further treatment and discharge from the hospital,” she earned a weak smile from him. 

The doctor gave a pointed look at Hoseok then turned to Changkyun with the same piercing stare. Kihyun realized she wanted to talk alone. They looked uneasy and he felt it too.

“I’ll.. be okay,” Kihyun assured with a less-than-confident tone. Hoseok squeezed his fingers gently. Kihyun could tell he didn’t want to let go. He’d never been more grateful for his best friend who wouldn’t leave his side. 

“I’ll stay and just listen, Kihyunnie can do all the talking.” Hoseok bargained. 

“Privacy is important for all of our patients. He doesn’t need a guardian now. You can join your friend in a few minutes.” Her tone was final. She approached his bed with slow steps. 

With downcast eyes, Hoseok pulled his hand away and walked out the door with Changkyun. Their youngest member gave him a hopeful look and whispered _fighting_ to Kihyun as he shut the door. 

All alone, Kihyun felt his body temperature drop and his heart plummet into his chest. He already missed the feel of Hoseok at his side. It wasn’t obvious before but every bit of care and attention Hoseok gave helped him regain strength to endure all of this. Around him, the room felt darker and colder, but he knew he could find the courage to talk, even just for a little while. 

“It sounds like you’ve been going through a lot, Kihyunssi?” She asked and held a tablet with his electronic chart on it. Setting it on his bed, she gave him her full attention. “I’d like to hear from you what’s been going on and led up to today. This will all be protected information. So anything you feel comfortable sharing, I’m happy to hear. My goal is to help you the best way I can. Does that sound alright?” 

Her tone was formal but comforting, the way a doctor should be. He trusted the sincerity of her words. “It’s a bit.. I’m not good with my words about things like this..” Kihyun bit his lip and pressed his nails into his palms again for relief, then remembered Changkyun’s reaction to the marks. He released his hands and stretched his fingers across the blanket, resisting the urge again. To relax he took a deep breath in and released it with a long rush of air from his lungs. 

“Let’s start wherever you feel comfortable.” Her smile reassured. 

Kihyun knew his struggles were hurting his condition and those around him. What he felt today.. he never wanted to feel like that again. And so that’s where they began.  

!*!*!

Their manager drove through heavy Seoul traffic and Kihyun’s stomach grumbled again. The noise broke through the silence in the van. No one had spoken since they left the hospital and Kihyun had been quiet and reflective since his conversation with the doctor. 

Next to him, Hoseok looked him up and down. “We should decide on a menu for tonight. You need to eat well.” 

“Menu? We can just order chicken or something..” 

“That won’t be enough,” Hoseok scoffed. 

“Of course not,” Kihyun grumbled sarcastically. He was exhausted and hungry and cranky. It was a poor combination. 

“I want shrimp! And noodles!” Hyungwon yelled from behind them. 

“What about pizza?” Minhyuk added while playing a game on his phone. Pausing, he turned his head from the front seat and looked back at them. “You like pizza, right Kihyun?”

“Look what you started,” Kihyun whined. “Now everyone wants to choose..” 

“We’ll figure it out. Don’t be like that,” Hoseok gave him a look with concerned eyes. In the darkness Kihyun only saw the whites of his pupils. “You’ve been weird since the doctor talked to you,” he leaned in to Kihyun’s seat and said under his breath. His arm reached out to touch him but Kihyun pushed it away. 

Kihyun crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window. “M’fine..” and it was a half-truth. Kihyun was fine. Or he would be. Eventually. He was just processing everything she said. _Therapy.. Daily medication.. Stress management.. Lesser schedules.. Exercise.. Talking to managers Being open and talking honestly with members.. Not keeping everything bottled up inside._

It was a lot to take in. At least he had options and the doctor reinforced that he was in control of anything that would happen. It still didn’t make his heart feel any less heavy or his mind any more at ease. He wished there was a simple fix but deep down he knew it didn’t work that way. 

They arrived home finally and Kihyun felt a rush of relief seeing the familiar surroundings. The other’s arrived behind them in another van and helped him walk him inside on his sore leg. Shownu held him securely under his shoulder on one side and Jooheon on the other. Hoseok carried his bag and followed behind, ready to catch him with his hands out-stretched. Hongsik followed inside to make sure everyone got settled in for the night. 

Kihyun felt like everyone was fussing far too much. At the hospital they forced him to leave in a wheelchair despite every protest he gave. Wrapped tightly in a brace, his knee was bruised and sore but no further damage had been done. It buckled from shock and exhaustion. His whole body had slowed and collapsed from dehydration. The doctor said he could dance again soon, but his body just needed rest and fluids to mend and repair. Kihyun was on strict orders to take it easy and the other members were all too happy to enforce it. Their managers agreed. 

Hobbling inside, they passed the threshold and paused in the living room. Silence surrounded them once Hongsik said his goodbyes for the night and promised to return tomorrow. Kihyun saw the questions written all over their faces. The worry etched into each frown and concerned look. It was too quiet. He could barely glance at Hyungwon and Shownu and Minhyuk next to him. Hoovering, he knew Hoseok was close behind him. 

Kihyun turned and grabbed his backpack off his shoulder. “I’m going to put my bag in my room..” he announced and limped the few feet to his door. It wasn’t easy to walk on his own but he hid his pained expression from them out of stubbornness. 

“Wait!” Hoseok shouted, but it was too late. Kihyun flipped on the light and saw that his room wasn’t how he left it. His bed was mused as if it had been slept in. His closet light was on and his dresser had one drawer completely open. 

“What is this..” Kihyun mused, dropping his bag at the foot of his bed. He leaned forward to smooth out the sheets and adjust his pillows back to the correct spot. 

“Hoseok hyung and I,” Changkyun rushed in the room behind him and held onto the door frame. “We couldn’t sleep when we knew you were gone. We slept here. Is that okay?” he implored and stared at Kihyun, blinking rapidly. “Are you mad? We can wash the sheets.” 

Kihyun shook his head. “No.. I’m just surprised.” He walked to his dresser and noticed his neatly folded pile of shirts was missing one at the top. “Did someone take my clothes?” 

Hoseok blushed and looked to the ground. Rubbing the back of his head he mumbled awkwardly through his explanation. “I wore it to sleep. It smelled like you.” 

“Oh,” Kihyun took it all in. He hadn’t had much time earlier at practice to let it sink in that they tried to find him. That he left on purpose and they still wanted to bring him home. The thought alone made his eyes well up with tears for what felt like the millionth time. Tears of gratitude and his own heavy shame. 

_I should have stayed. Why did I run away?_

His emotions were getting the best of him. He shook his head and cleared his mind as best he could. It wasn’t time to dwell or worry. Kihyun had other needs much more pressing. 

“I really need a shower..” Kihyun mentioned and Hoseok’s head flashed up in surprise. Before he could speak, Kihyun continued, “go order food.. I’ll be done and it will arrive. We.. we should all eat together.” 

Changkyun nodded. “I like that plan, hyung.” 

“I don’t!” Hoseok half-yelled. 

“Why? Go order food. I need to change.” Kihyun looked for his towel. 

“I’ll tell the others we’re ready to order,” Changkyun offered and left the room. 

Hoseok looked at Kihyun incredulously. “You can’t shower like that!”

“Like what?”

“Your leg.. You can barely stand longer than a few minutes. I’ll help you.”

“No way!” Kihyun argued, his tone as stubborn and strong as he could make it. While they’d seen each other naked before, now wasn’t the time to do it again. Kihyun could only guess his body looked broken and bruised. He couldn’t show that to Hoseok or to anyone. 

“Do you want someone else to help you? I’ll ask whoever,” Hoseok said sorely. He pulled his hands behind his back and sulked. 

“No! I don’t want any help..” Kihyun raised his voice, “this is embarrassing enough already.” he mumbled under his breath. 

Hoseok caught the tail end of his words as Shownu walked in the room. 

“Everything okay?” Their leader asked, staring directly at Kihyun. Did Shownu hear him yell? He nodded back meekly. 

“Mhm,” Hoseok answered out loud for him. “We’ll wash up and be ready to eat soon.” 

“Okay, let me know if you need anything,” Shownu said and left the room. Outside the hallway, they heard him yell “Changkyun! Let’s order the food!” 

“It’s me or Shownu.. he offered,” Hoseok stared down Kihyun to make his point. “If you go in there alone there’s a good chance you’ll fall. You’re still not well.. I won't chance it.” 

Kihyun wanted a shower too badly to argue any further. “Fine!” 

Inside the bathroom the water from the shower heated the room and created steam in delicious waves of heat. Kihyun’s towel slung tight around his hips and he waited for Hoseok to come in. Those were his instructions. _Wait for me_ he had told him with dark, piercing eyes. 

Kihyun didn’t have the energy to fight him on any of it, so he waited. Minutes later Hoseok emerged through the door shirtless and wearing only boxer briefs. He smiled at Kihyun through the steam while he held a grey towel wrapped around his neck.

Kihyun’s eyes widened. “Where’s your clothes, hyung? You’re not actually coming in with me. Just stand outside the curtain.” He continued to look at Hoseok with confusion. 

“No way! I need to wash up too. This will be more efficient.” Hoseok leaned forward to tug off his boxers and stepped out of them, leaving the black fabric on the floor. The steam around them clouded Kihyun’s eyes, but it was still hard not to stare. He kept his gaze at eye-level and ignored the way his heart rate started to accelerate.  

“Not with me!” Kihyun protested. It didn’t make sense to him. They’d never done anything like this before. It felt.. too intimate. Outside from secret kisses and sharing beds, this would be new territory. Or did he think this would be like the locker room? Like back in school? 

Kihyun didn’t have time to overthink. Hoseok pulled the curtain back and felt a hand under the water, gauging the temperature. “It’s hot, but this will be good for your muscles.” He said softly. 

Completely naked underneath his towel, Kihyun flushed red all over as he watched Hoseok step into the shower and stand directly underneath the spray. It was hard to not to focus on every line, curve, and delicate shape that made his body. Leaning against the outside wall, Kihyun was glad for the support. Water droplets spread across Hoseok’s skin in a way that mesmerized him. It proved difficult to avoid certain areas and not stare.

“Kihyun? Kihyun!” Hoseok said his name, repeating it when there was no response. “Do you want me to help you in? Or can you make it?” 

“M’fine,” Kihyun responded after awhile. He looked at the wall and evened his breathing. Cracks in the plaster effectively distracted his thoughts and he focused on those instead. Finding courage he said, “I’m coming in.. so only look up. Nothing below the neck.”

“Okay, I promise,” Hoseok said with a small laugh. 

“I’m serious! Just.. just don’t look at me.” Kihyun felt shy all over again, stuttering over his words. 

He had taken off his knee bandages and brace in his room and the doctor said he could walk gently on his leg. Still stiff, he shuffled to the shower and stepped into the warm cocoon. 

Hoseok smiled at him and shut the curtain, closing them in together. “Let’s keep the heat in,” he said by way of explanation. 

Kihyun immediately felt how heat pooled in his belly and slowly move south. Water drops lingered against Hoseok’s wet hair and dropped to his broad chest.. his back, his legs.. everywhere. Shaking his head, Kihyun moved slightly to stand directly under the spray of water, soaking his entire head and letting the rest of the water fall onto his body. The cascade of water felt so warm and heavy and inviting against his skin. He moaned aloud as his shoulders felt massaged by the water pounding spots of soreness. 

“Must feel good,” Hoseok said, biting his lip. In his hands he held the body wash and poured some out. “Let me help you..” and rubbed the gel on Kihyun’s shoulders, across his arms, and massaged it into his back. The shower began smelling like lime and some other citrus. The feel of Hoseok’s hands on him felt.. indescribable. Until those hands roamed south of his stomach and Hoseok leaned over to scrub down to his legs. Kihyun’s cock lay semi-hard and wet between his legs. Now _very_ aware of what was developing he hoped Hoseok was keeping his promise. 

“Don’t look!” Kihyun warned. He backed away and covered himself. It took a moment to realize that was not what Hoseok focused on. What he fixated on was far worse. The bruised skin across his legs, newly black and blue and purple in some spots. The way his knees looked painfully sore and hurt from dancing, falling, all their practicing. Hoseok’s heart sank. 

Rinsing the suds off his hands, Hoseok looked to him again, taking one small step closer. “Does it really hurt? It looks painful, Kihyunnie..” 

“I’ll heal” was all he thought to say. His heart pounded in his chest and there was an urge to kiss the tiny droplets of water he saw on Hoseok’s cheeks, or the ones that fell on his shoulders. His concern for Kihyun felt disarming all over again. “I’ll be okay.”

Hoseok stood tall and didn’t respond. He put a gentle hand to Kihyun’s hip and moved it across his belly and finally stopped as it rested against his flat stomach. His eyes trailed where his hands went before looking up at Kihyun through wet lashes. “You got too skinny.. Too small.” 

The touch of Hoseok’s hands was so warm and so inviting that Kihyun held in a shaky breath. “I’ll eat more..” His voice was barely audible over the pounding of the water.

“We should’ve noticed.. I hate that we didn’t see it. It’s obvious when I see you like this..” 

 _Then should we see each other naked more often?_ The question ran through Kihyun’s head before he could realize it. He needed to change his own thoughts, the way his heart beat wildly. 

“What’s obvious?” Kihyun asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. 

“That you’re not okay. You.. you eat less when you’re stressed. You don’t sleep a lot and you practice and exercise so much you get too skinny. We’ve been so busy it was hard to notice. But I see you like this.. and it’s so damn obvious. I’m so sorry..” 

Hoseok’s hand clutched at Kihyun’s taut stomach, his other resting where his love handles should’ve been. Instead he felt bony hips and smooth skin. “Will you forgive me? Forgive us..” He licked his lips and pulled them together nervously. 

“I should be asking you that..” Kihyun’s eyes sank to the shower floor. He watched the water swirl down into the drain and said, “I feel like I ruined everything.” 

The hands on Kihyun’s hips went from soft to a tight grip. Hoseok looked at him through the stream of water between them. “Don’t think that, don’t you ever think that.” 

“Hoseok..” 

“But nothing. No one blames you, Kihyunnie. No one.” 

“Okay,” Kihyun grumbled. Steam floated across his skin and warmed him. It felt cleansing and pure. 

“I mean it.” Hoseok said with a stern voice, but quickly grinned and showed off his white teeth. They laughed together. 

“Let’s wash our hair and get out of here,” Kihyun offered. “You can go first,” he shuffled to the side, pulling Hoseok back under the warm spray of water. Feeling a twinge in his leg, he stumbled a bit before Hoseok grabbed him under his arms.

Pulling tight into an embrace, their bodies aligned as Hoseok held him up. “You okay?”

Kihyun adjusted his weight and whispered, “I can stand now..” 

Hoseok bit his bottom lip and backed up a step. Muttering to himself, he poured shampoo into his hand and lathered it into his dark hair before rinsing it all out. Kihyun watched on from behind the spray, staying away from it’s force. 

Hoseok finished and spoke to him, “C’mere, I’ll do you too.” 

Kihyun shook his head. “I can do it myself.” 

Sighing, Hoseok poured another generous amount of shampoo in his hand and rubbed his palms together. “Let me do it,” and gestured for Kihyun to lower his head. Kihyun gave in leaned forward, shutting his eyes tight. 

The damp hair soon became sudsy with shampoo and Hoseok pulled his fingers through the strands carefully. Against his scalp Kihyun felt delicious pressure as the long fingers massaged and roamed across his head. Kihyun couldn’t help but groan out loud with how good it made him feel. 

Above him, Hoseok paused and sighed a loose breath. “You can’t do that Kihyunnie..” 

“What?” Kihyun could barely hear him. 

Hoseok pushed his head under the stream of water and rinsed out the shampoo. His fingers gently moved through the hair, getting every last bit clean and Kihyun moaned softly again when he swirled his thumbs behind his ears, hitting a particular spot.

“That,” Hoseok said quickly, “You can’t do that,” and pulled his hands away, helping Kihyun to straighten back to standing. On his way up, he unknowingly glanced at Hoseok’s lower half and realized he wasn’t the only one affected. It was soft and wet and smooth and..

“Do you want more?” Hoseok held out the bodywash to him. “I didn’t get everywhere..” 

“More?“ Kihyun breathed, not realizing what he meant. He took a few seconds to clear his head and remember the question Hoseok asked. Nodding, Kihyun took the bottle and balanced again on both legs. His right felt a little stiff but the doctor said moving it would help. He rubbed the soap into his legs and moved hands up his thighs, stomach and to his lower back, careful to avoid his too much attention on his cock. 

What Kihyun didn’t realize was that Hoseok had broken his promise. Hoseok greedily followed the swatches of soap that lingered on his skin, his eyes following every place his hands touched. Stepping forward, Kihyun stood under the full spray of water to rinse and erase all traces away. Now clean, he cleared the water from his eyes and saw Hoseok looking at him through heavy lids and a gaze that felt like wildfire. 

“You promised,” Kihyun weakly argued and pushed at him with slick hands. He waited for the embarrassment to hit.. the urge to hide. But this time it never came. Instead, he felt that weird pull he sometimes felt around Hoseok. The pull that encouraged him for _more, more, more._  

Hoseok easily grabbed onto Kihyun's wrists, gently pulling him closer. They stood together under the rushing water. It felt like every secret between them washed away and left them with a clean slate. The water pounded over them, drowning out the sound of their own heavy breathing. Barely touching, the whisper of heat between them held a promise. The way their eyes locked, their bodies aligned, and the thoughts that ran through their minds.. 

An overwhelming desire to kiss Hoseok filled Kihyun and he leaned forward... At the same time, Hoseok reached behind him expertly and turned off the water, ending the moment between them.

“I couldn’t help it..” Hoseok breathed and noticed Kihyun inches away from his face. 

Kihyun quickly looked at the shower floor with downcast eyes and covered himself. His brain felt conflicted between feeling too close to Hoseok and a buried desire to turn the water back on and kiss him senselessly. The steam started dissipating around them.

He felt his chance slip away and his usual shyness returned. “I didn’t want you to see..” Kihyun murmured in response and chewed on his lower lip.

Opening the curtain fully, Hoseok stepped out with strong legs and grabbed Kihyun’s towel off the hook. Dripping water on the floor, he turned to wrap the towel around Kihyun’s shoulders and upper body before reaching for his own towel. Kihyun rushed to tie it around his slim waist. 

Smirking, Hoseok grabbed his own towel and Kihyun tried desperately to not stare at his firm, round butt or the flexed muscles in his legs. Hoseok stood and faced away from him, showing off his entire broad back and long frame as he patted the towel across his skin. Finally, he wrapped the towel around his waist and played with the wet strands of his hair, arranging them. 

“I’ll dry off and change myself..” Kihyun said to Hoseok but looked firmly at the wall beside him. It was the same wall he used to distract himself earlier. He needed something, anything to change the thoughts currently running through his mind. 

Walking towards him, Hoseok pulled at Kihyun’s towel. 

“Hey!” Kihyun grabbed at the fabric, stopping him. Hoseok ignored his protests and re-wrapped the towel around his hips, tucking in the fabric tight so it wouldn’t move. After, Hoseok put both hands on Kihyun’s hips and pulled their lower halves together. Kihyun couldn’t ignore the warmth and closeness and the feeling of something _else_. 

“I couldn’t help looking because I love your body..” Hoseok admitted softly while scanning down Kihyun’s body through thick, wet lashes. “It’s..” 

Kihyun interrupted and lowered his head. “It’s small and skinny and nothing like yours.” He sulked a bit and wrapped his hands around the towel to secure it further. Droplets littered his chest and stomach as they fell from his wet hair. 

Hoseok put a finger to Kihyun’s chin and tilted his head up. Eye to eye, the seriousness in Hoseok’s look was disarming. “It’s perfect.. ” 

“You don’t mean that,” Kihyun groaned and took a step back only to have his legs hit the sink. 

“Don’t make me prove it,” Hoseok warned, growling. He licked his lips in a way that made Kihyun’s head spin and his insides clench. “But I won’t now.. You need warm clothes and food in you. Then we can come back to this conversation.” His smile made Kihyun feel weak in the knees. 

“This can’t be good for me..” Kihyun mumbled to himself.

When they left the bathroom after their shower Hoseok noticed a panicked Jooheon in the living room, signaling him with his arms to stop. Surprised, Hosoek did immediately and Kihyun ran into his back. 

“What is it?” Kihyun tried to move them, nudging him forward. 

Around Jooheon, Minhyuk and Changkyun were moving things and re-arranging the living room. They were working as fast as they could. 

“Don’t let Kihyun see!” Jooheon mouthed and Hoseok caught on. 

Hoseok pulled Kihyun gently and blocked his view with broad shoulders and a strategically placed hand over his eyes. They pressed against the wall as they walked and Kihyun pulled at Hoseok’s hand. He finally pushed Kihyun into his dark room and Kihyun yelled. 

“What the hell?” 

Inside his room Kihyun sat on Hoseok’s unmade bed and looked around. The floor near the bed had bags of unopened clothes he often bought impulsively. In front of the closet were two opened suitcases from their recent trips, still full of dirty laundry. Kihyun just wanted to go to his room and put on his own clothes. Instead, they argued over why Kihyun couldn’t wear his own things and although Hoseok didn’t have even a compelling answer he still won.

Minutes later Kihyun came out of Hoseok’s room reluctantly dressed in too-long for him joggers, an oversized black t-shirt, and a baggy grey hoodie. Kihyun drew the line at wearing his boxers, saying he’d go without and change later. Hosoek seemed to enjoy the fact that Kihyun wasn’t wearing any underwear. He stood behind Kihyun who stopped short only a few steps in the main room. Everything around them had changed. Instead of their normal living room full of couches, tv’s, and tables, something else awaited them. 

“What is this?” Kihyun asked, eyes wide. He gazed over what he saw and finally stopped at the proud, smiling looks on Changkyun, Shownu, Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon. Hoseok chuckled behind him. He closed their distance and wrapped his arms around his middle and rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. 

“You knew?” Kihyun accused. Hoseok shrugged in his signature cute, innocent way. 

“We wanted to make sure you could rest tonight but we didn’t want you to be alone or hurting. So we did this!” Minhyuk explained with a soft smile. He held his hands behind his back, anxiously waiting for his reaction. 

On the floor in front of Kihyun laid their mattresses, blankets, and pillows. It looked cozy and inviting and plenty of space for all of them to sleep together. He noticed the TV had been pushed to the far wall and played one of the Marvel movies in the background. 

“So.. we’re having a sleepover?” Kihyun asked as he put all the pieces together. 

“Yes!” Jooheon shouted and clapped. 

“And the food should be arriving soon,” Shownu added. “We called it in while you showered. Shouldn’t be long now!” He rubbed his belly over his shirt. 

Everyone wore comfy clothes like ones Hoseok picked for him. He spotted IM in blue athletic shorts and a threadbare t-shirt. Minhyuk wore short orange shorts and a grey tank top, Hyungwon looked cozy in thick black sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt that said something in English. Shownu wore a purple shirt and simple black joggers like the ones he himself had on and Jooheon looked good in a red shirt with holes in it and dark gray track bottoms. After picking out clothes for him, Hoseok dressed himself in grey sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. 

“So we’re really doing this? I would’ve been okay..” Kihyun whispered as he looked from his members to their beds on the floor. “You didn’t have to go through all this trouble..” 

Hoseok hugged him closer and whispered in his ear, soft and soothing. “C’mon..” 

“Hyung,” Hyungwon spoke to Kihyun as he stood off to the side. “We wanted to do this.” 

It was still so surreal. The last few months they’d been so busy, their schedules so hectic, and they often spent a lot of time apart working on their own projects. Now because of him they were having a sleepover and spending the entire night together. Just because they wanted to. No schedules, no work. 

Tonight was his chance to open up and talk to them, if only he could find the courage..

Kihyun slotted his hands through the front pocket on his sweatshirt and held himself as the others moved about the room. Hoseok’s hands released their grip only to slot in Kihyun’s pocket too. “Am I hurting you?” he asked with a slight tilt of his head. 

Kihyun turned head slowly. “You’re heavy. And being very clingy,” he accused him while trying not to smile. He wasn’t going to admit to Hoseok or anyone else that he enjoyed their extra attention. 

“You’ll have to get used to it, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok said with a low voice. He turned his head further and nuzzled into Kihyun's neck. “Or it’ll get a lot worse.” He planted a soft kiss on the skin beneath his ear. The same place that he touched when he washed Kihyun’s hair.  

The spot made shivers race down Kihyun’s spine and his body quaked. Goosebumps covered his skin underneath his clothes. His mouth slightly parted as the sensation rolled through him. He tried to hide all these reactions but Hoseok was quicker. 

“Interesting..” Hoseok said and kissed the spot again, more intentionally this time. 

Kihyun’s eye’s fluttered closed and his hands balled into fists. After a moment he regained composure and moved forward to shake Hoseok off his back. The older member laughed and stepped back with hands raised in surrender and stalked off to the kitchen. 

In an effort to distract himself, Kihyun watched Shownu, Minhyuk and Jooheon set a table atop the mattresses.

“Won’t it be uneven?” Minhyuk asked and carefully considered the squishiness of the mattresses against the sturdy legs of the table. 

“We have to put the food somewhere,” Shownu questioned and pushed on top of the table. “It’ll be fine..”  

“It’s fine, it’s fine! It’s just for a little bit,” Jooheon reasoned and held a pillow between his arms. “Should we get the drinks and snacks ready?” 

Shownu nodded enthusiastically. Off to the side, Hyungwon sat on a lone armchair and scrolled through his phone looking tired but comfortable. Minhyuk joined him and sat on the arm of the chair, dangling his legs to the side. Hyungwon pointed to something on his screen and they laughed together. 

Kihyun felt himself smiling as he watched them. He stood there for a few moments as they all whirled around him, preparing for the night ahead. They laughed and argued together just like they always did. Things felt so different around him, yet somehow the same. 

While they were busy getting things ready, Kihyun found the opportunity to do something he’d thought about since waking up at the hospital. Back in his room he felt a sense of familiarity and peace. His mattress and pillows and blankets were missing but everything else around him felt right again. His clothes still hung the way he left them and the photos on all the walls reminded him of good memories. On the floor, he found his backpack and rummaged through it for his phone. He couldn’t remember the last time he looked at it. After pressing a few buttons, the screen remained black. 

“Damn it,” he cursed, realizing his battery must be dead. He pulled the charger out of his bag. 

“Oh!” Someone shouted from his doorway and Kihyun looked up to see Minhyuk. “We didn’t know where you went,” he said breathlessly. 

“Just here,” Kihyun replied and crouched over his side table. His legs throbbed a bit but he pushed through the feeling. “I wanted to charge this. It’s dead,” he waved his phone. 

“Ah, okay.” Minhyuk nodded and a silence filled the space between them. “We…” he started to say, then paused. “We called you a lot. While you were gone.” 

“You did?” 

“Messaged too. You’ll see when it turns on so don’t be startled.” Minhyuk looked from the floor to up at him. “Wonho hyung left voicemails. I did too. You can delete them I guess.” His shoulders shrugged and he stood with one leg out to the side. His whale tattoo peeked out from underneath his bright shorts.  

“I won’t,” Kihyun replied. “I’ll listen to it all.. I should.” 

“We were really worried once we figured it out,” Minhyuk said quietly. His eyes softened, “I probably don’t act like it much, but you’re my friend. One of my best friends. You’re not just another member to me. It’s more than that,” he carefully spoke each word. 

Minhyuk held his hands together and picked at his fingers while he went on. “I know I haven’t been a good friend to you lately,” his tone went low and his words were laced with regret. “I really understand that now and I’m sorry.” 

Standing up and stretching his legs, Kihyun listened but looked at the photos on his wall. Photos of places he went with all his members. He couldn’t look at Minhyuk, not yet. 

“I’m sorry for everything I said that hurt you,” Minhyuk walked two more steps into Kihyun’s room. He rubbed at something on his cheek. “I… I never want it to happen again.” 

Kihyun heard sincerity in every word he spoke. Something deep down stirred his heart and he knew they could forgive each other and move on. “We can move forward together,” he vowed. 

Minhyuk lifted his head and nodded in his direction. Moisture filled the rims of his eyes. “Let’s do that.” He brushed at his cheeks again and gave a small smile. “I was actually here to tell you some of the food started arriving.” 

“Some?” Kihyun asked while walking back into the main room. Minhyuk stayed in step with him.

The coffee table was now filled with cups and Pepsi’s and countless white take-out containers. Near the front door Shownu held a white bag in his hand and a black bag in the other. “Chicken is here! Kimchi stew too!” 

“Wow..” Hoseok cheered and clapped from the kitchen. His eyes zeroed in on the food.  

“C’mon hyung, you can eat first.” Changkyun called Kihyun over to sit next to him. Shownu walked onto their makeshift beds and unloaded his bags and set the chicken in front of Changkyun. 

“We ordered everything you like Kihyunnah,” Shownu said proudly. He sat across from him and leaned forward to open the containers. 

“You did?” Kihyun questioned as he sat cross-legged on the pillow beneath him. Scanning everything, he saw that they ordered chicken, stir-fry noodles, his favorite sushi rolls, seaweed soup, and a few other dishes he loved. “Wow..” 

The others started crowding around the table. Hyungwon plopped down on his right and Changkyun stayed to his left. Shownu took a drink of Pepsi when Jooheon and Minhyuk sat at his sides. Jooheon took the stack of chopsticks in front of him and passed them out. 

Hoseok joined them and held a bottle of water in each hand. He frowned at Hyungwon and pouted his lips out. “Can we switch?” 

“Switch what?” Hyungwon asked as he pulled apart his chopsticks and surveyed the food in front of him. 

“Switch seats.” 

“You can share Kihyunnie for a little bit, hyung,” Hyungwon assured with the best wink he could do. It still wasn’t a very good one and they all laughed while Hoseok pouted.  

Sitting down in the small empty space, Hoseok opened one of the bottles and handed it to Kihyun across the table. “You should drink this.” 

“Okay,” Kihyun took it and sipped. All the food in front of him looked mesmerizing and his stomach twisted with anticipation. “I’ll eat well,” he said to his members and nodded before grabbing a piece of chicken. 

All it took was one delicious bite and Kihyun was closing his eyes and smiling, a genuine smile, as his members watched on. “Food has never tasted so good..” he laughed and they joined in. 

At first Kihyun thought they ordered far too much food but once again he underestimated them. He ate far more than he usually did. Throughout the meal members kept putting food on his chopsticks or his spoon. There were subtle differences in the way they treated him and he started keeping track. Hosoek had given him pointed glances every few minutes to ensure he was drinking enough water. Changkyun rubbed his leg and often asked if he felt too warm or cold. Shownu refilled his cola as often as he could. Jooheon talked loudly and kept them all laughing and sharing jokes. Minhyuk shared updates on the latest game he was obsessed with. Hyungwon ate bites of food here and there until he found a bag of chips that appeased his appetite. 

It wasn’t long until they were full and the food around them slowly disappeared. Kihyun couldn’t remember the last time he had this much fun with his members. _This is exactly what I needed._

He remembered feeling jealous of the people he saw at the restaurant playing drinking games with their co-workers or how close the members of Seventeen seemed to be as they talked into the early hours of the night. Kihyun’s heart swelled and he thought _I do belong here_. _These are my members. Monsta X._

A full belly, the exhaustion of the day, and the mix of medicines he was on was making him feel more emotional than usual. But he didn’t care. A few silver tears lined his eyes as he watched Hoseok show a video on his phone about his mom’s kittens. He laughed and looked so happy. 

_I didn’t ruin much after all._

All these thoughts crashed together and Kihyun felt overwhelming relief. He grabbed at the pillows beneath him and closed his eyes as it rolled through him. Thoughts of guilt and embarrassment washed away leaving him feeling light and clear. A sigh tore through his lungs and a few cathartic tears escaped, this time the happy kind. 

Next to him, Hyungwon rubbed over his hand. “Hyung, you okay?” He turned his head and looked at Kihyun’s face. Soon everyone stopped watching the video and turned to him too. 

“It’s nothing,” Kihyun put up his hands and spoke in a steady voice, “really, I’m okay..” 

Hyungwon took the cuff of his sweatshirt and dabbed gently below Kihyun’s eyes, drying off the few tears that must’ve fell. “You sure?” He said softly. 

“I must’ve yawned,” he reasoned.

“Sure, sure..” Changkyun nudged his other side and rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. “I wish we got dessert.”

“Changkyun! Don’t talk like that..” Shownu warned with a fake growl. “We don’t have anything. But we could go to the store..” he thought out loud. 

Kihyun had an idea. “I’ll be right back,” and stood up slowly and went back to his room for a few minutes. He knew even at the late hour the bubble tea and shaved ice shop nearby would still be open. They ordered it many late nights. Using an app he placed an order and requested quick delivery.

As he finished ordering he noticed all the messages and phone calls he needed to go through. They had called until his voicemail was full and his members sent endless, worried messages. He scrolled through them knowing he wanted to take time later to read and listen to every single one.

Kihyun returned to his spot around the table but didn’t want to sit down in case the order came soon. The others noticed his apprehension.

“Does it hurt?” Hoseok asked, moving to stand up and join him. His arm snaked around Kihyun’s back to hold him up. 

“I was sitting too long,” Kihyun shared and leaned forward to stretch for emphasis. “I just need to stretch a bit.” 

"Ahhh." Hoseok proceeded to watch Kihyun twist and turn and stretch his legs. 

Five minutes later the doorbell rang loudly and startled everyone but him. Hoseok jumped in the air and Jooheon yelled words that didn’t make sense. They shared confused glances between them. 

“Who is it?” Shownu yelled across the room. 

“Delivery!” a man shouted. 

“I’ll get it,” Kihyun said knowing what would be at the door. 

“I thought we got everything we ordered?” Hyungwon questioned behind him. 

“I really wish it was popsicles.. Or ice creams,” Hoseok whined. “A fruity kind.” 

Changkyun scolded him, “Hyung, don’t make me hungry for sweets. We don’t have any!” 

Kihyun grabbed the drink carrier holding the teas and two bags full of shaved ice. He paid and tipped through the app and bowed to the man as he left. Closing the door, Kihyun turned to his members and shrugged his shoulders and said “we do now?” 

“What is this?” Changkyun laughed. “Hyung!” He broke out into a wide grin, the kind that made his dimple peek out. 

Shownu cheered. Jooheon and Minhyuk clapped and looked so excited, too. Hoseok just looked at him with sweet, tender eyes. Hyungwon murmured something about not being hungry. 

“I wanted to treat you..” Kihyun pulled the desserts out of one bag and passed around white spoons. “This one should be strawberry cheesecake.. the other maybe melon? There’s a chocolate one here too,” He pulled out the final one. “The teas we can share too..” 

“Wow! Yes!” Minhyuk grabbed a tea and shook it up to mix the ingredients. The bubble tea swirled. “Thanks Kihyunnah,” he praised. 

“I want a sip!” Hoseok pouted. 

Shownu popped the top on one of the desserts quickly and dipped his spoon into the mocha espresso shaved ice. Within seconds he closed his eyes, savoring the flavor. 

Kihyun pulled out the other tea from the drink carrier, the one he ordered specially for Hoseok. “It’s your favorite kind,” he pushed it into his outstretched hands. 

“Really?” Hoseok shook it well and stuck the straw through the plastic top. Wrapping his lips around the straw, Kihyun watched him stick out his tongue suck. “It’s so good..” Hoseok drank again. “Thanks, Kihyunnie!” 

“I.. I wanted to thank you all.” Kihyun said as he took back his spot next to Changkyun. The younger member reached out to rub his knee, the sore one, and further down his leg. The pressure of his fingers released any remaining tension that had begun to build up. “I thought you'd like it.” He nodded towards their desserts. Clasping his hands together gently, he took a deep breath, readying himself. 

“You don’t need to thank us for anything,” Jooheon said mid-bite. There was a slight question in his words. 

“I feel like I do..” 

Kihyun breathed again. While the words he needed to say wouldn’t be easy, around him tonight each member made him feel at ease. It was a stark contrast to how they made him feel just days ago. So he would start there and tell his side of the story.

“So.. you know I’ve been going through a bit of a challenging time.. and not handling my stress well. The last 24 hours has been so..” Kihyun paused, feeling goosebumps across his skin, “so crazy for me. I was feeling so down, really.. just really lost. I don’t know why, I really don’t, but the interview yesterday felt like a breaking point.” 

He paused to pull his legs to his chest and held them tight. The others stared at him, quickly forgetting their spoons and straws. 

“I wish it didn’t happen like that, but I couldn’t handle the comeback, the stress.. not anymore,” Kihyun hung his head against his knees. “At first I.. I almost fainted in the bathroom. I felt so sick. Everything made me feel overwhelmed,” he felt small again as he rolled through the memories. 

“And I hated everything you said about me,” Kihyun whispered, struggling to control his voice. “I knew I just had to pretend and it would be okay. But I just wanted to leave and be alone.” 

He knew the dam had opened and there was no stopping what came out now. 

“I felt really scared because I was feeling so much at once. Inside and out,” he paused to take in a deep breath. “But I didn’t want you to know. So I just pretended I was okay. And when we got home I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said.. and what was already in my own head. For weeks I kept thinking that I wasn’t good enough. I had those kinds of thoughts.. And they wouldn’t leave.” 

Near him, Changkyun set down the shaved ice and grabbed at Kihyun’s hand. He laced their fingers together and squeezed. Hyungwon leaned into him too, just barely, but Kihyun felt the shift. It gave him strength to keep going. 

“So I left. I knew I was being stupid. But I wanted to leave.. I felt like nobody cared about me anymore. Not even you all.. I felt so alone.” He sniffled and let tears fall onto his knees freely. Kihyun’s voice broke on the last words and around him the others seemed to be affected too. He lifted his head and looked around, pausing on the way Shownu’s lip trembled and the way he didn’t look away from him, not even for a moment. He saw Hoseok crying, holding a pillow between his arms and hugging it tight. Minkyuk rubbed Hoseok’s back as they stared at him. 

They had no words. But Kihyun wasn’t done. He sighed and started again. 

“And when I saw you all today at the studio...” 

Next to him, Hyungwon breathed out in heavy whoosh of air. 

“I was trying so hard. So damn hard.. But it was like everything I thought was turning into reality. I really wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t dance well anymore.” Tears flowed in earnest now. Kihyun didn’t care. Changkyun curled into his side and rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. Wetness pooled there from his own tears, soaking through the sweatshirt Kihyun wore.

“I didn’t know what was going on and my body felt really tired. So tired. I was too stubborn.. I should’ve asked to stop.” 

Hoseok hiccuped and Kihyun saw tear tracks down his cheeks and wrinkles around his eyes. Shownu reached a hand to pat at his back, soothing him. Jooheon and Minhyuk now leaned against each other for support. Hyungwon curled a hand around Kihyun’s leg, rubbing it up and down over the joggers to keep him warm. 

“And towards the end, I don’t remember much. The doctor said that’s normal in a panic attack. I guess being dehydrated made things worse..” Kihyun recalled what Dr. Yoon told him privately. 

“I just wanted to prove to you all I deserved to be here.” Kihyun sobbed into his arms. His body rolled in waves with feeling, not happy nor sad, but just relief. He told them his deepest, darkest secret. The worry that kept him up at night. "I'm sorry..." 

Around him the others rubbed at their noses and dried their eyes, watching Kihyun as he cried. He kept his head atop his folded arms, resting and sitting in the lingering silence. It took a few seconds, but someone cleared their throat and said his name. 

“Kihyun,” he heard from a rough, deep voice, laced with sadness. Kihyun looked up to see Shownu addressing him with tears fallen on his cheeks, his lips, his t-shirt. His eyes showed regret. Opening his lips, he wet them and murmured “You do. You’ve belonged with us since day one.” His words trembled as his voice wavered. “And you belong along side us every day.” 

“Every day,” Hoseok repeated in a whisper, using his sleeve to roughly wipe at his tears. He opened his mouth to say more but paused to cough and sit back, silent again.  

The other members nodded in agreement and processed all of his words. 

Jooheon stood to grab a box of tissues from the kitchen and brought it back, sharing it with Kihyun, Hoseok, Shownu, and realized that they all needed it. Kihyun reached out to grab extra, rubbing them hastily against his face.  

Changkyun refused to let Kihyun go and held him even tighter. They both shook with uneven breaths. Changkyun whispered so Kihyun and the others could still hear, “Here, you belong right here.” And tugged on his hand for emphasis. Kihyun squeezed back in response. 

Jooheon nodded through watery, dark eyes. He dabbed the tissue on his cheeks, his chin. “Kihyunssi, we’re so sorry. We never wanted you to feel this way.” 

“We’ll take care of each other much better from now on,” Hoseok said with confidence.  

Minhyuk had stayed quiet and listened for a long time. He pulled his head up and said, “I’ve been someone who pranks you and says mean things.. But never thinking of how you’ll feel when I do. I’ll be a better member to you from now on. I’m.. I’m really sorry Kihyunnah. I really am.” 

“Me too,” Hyungwon added somberly. His hair was long and covered his tearful eyes. 

“I’m going to get better,” Kihyun said to them. “I’ll take medication or go to counseling or whatever they tell me to do.. I don’t want to be a burden.” 

“You’ll never be one,” Changkyun said with grit. “Don’t think like that.” 

“You’re important to us, to everyone, Kihyunnah,” Shownu added. “We’ll be by your side no matter what you do. We’ll help you figure out what is best.” 

Jooheon opened his mouth to speak, then shut it quickly. Changkyun saw him and urged, “go on, Hyung.” 

Kihyun nodded weakly, encouraging him. 

Jooheon sighed. “All of this.. it really scared me,” he began.

“Kihyun, you were always a member that was strong and confident and so talented at singing. Your pain.. Your struggles. You hid them so well. I..” Jooheon fumbled on his words, shaking his head back and forth. “I never want you to do that again. Don’t pretend, don’t hide. Show us.. Tell us everything. None of this is worth it if we’re not happy. If we’re not healthy. I don’t care what we have to do, Kihyun, but I want to make sure you’re all those things and more. I will do anything, just say the word.” 

“We’ll stop all this right now if that’s what’s best for you,” Shownu said in the strong voice he usually used when being leader. The others nodded with him. 

“We would, Kihyunnah, we really would.” Minhyuk repeated.

“That’s the last thing I want,” Kihyun said softly. “Truly..”

“Then we’ll find a way.. together,” Hoseok vowed, locking eyes with his best friend before looking around the table at every other member. They all made a silent pact they would uphold and keep. 

Kihyun felt a rush of calm and it melted into him alongside every feeling of exhaustion. He would need to rest soon. 

“Don’t let all the dessert melt,” Kihyun said after awhile, grabbing a spoon. Although he was still very full, he stole a few bites of shaved ice and encouraged his members to do the same. 

Hoseok grumbled but drank more of his bubble tea. He got up on his knees to pass it over to Kihyun, sharing it with him. “Have a few sips,” he held the plastic cup. Kihyun leaned over and wrapped his lips around the straw and sucked. “Mhmm, that is really good.” As Hoseok sat back down, Kihyun remembered a scene from the shower they took together only an hour ago. 

It had been one hell of a day. 

Minhyuk drank tea and ate spoonfuls of melon shaved ice that Jooheon fed him. Pausing, he asked something that Kihyun had almost forgotten. “Kihyunnah, where did you stay last night?” 

“Oh!” Kihyun suddenly remembered that piece of the story. 

“Yeah, where were you?” Changkyun added, pouting. “I ran all over for you. Literally..” 

“I uh.. wandered a few neighborhoods away. Found a restaurant to eat.” 

“You went to eat?” 

“Ahuh,” Kihyun nodded, suddenly unsure of what to share. He was a bit embarrassed, but since he was truthful before.. “And I drank soju. And beer.” 

“What!” Minhyuk laughed and Shownu giggled, “really?” 

“Beer?” Jooheon asked him incredulously. “You never drink.” 

“I didn’t have a too much..” 

“Wow..” Hoseok blurted in surprise and stared at Kihyun.  

“So what happened?” Hyungwon prompted him. 

“I uh, ate a bit, drank some. The owners were really nice and they had chicken. I think I found it cause of the delicious smell. I drank a bit more and then talked to Mingyu.” 

“Mingyu!” Hoseok and Minhyuk said in unison. Hoseok’s tone was disbelief while Minhyuk chuckled. 

“Yeah, he had texted me earlier so I just happened to call him. He came to see me and kept me company at the restaurant. He knew I was feeling down so we left and he took me back to their dorm.” 

“So you stayed there?” Shownu asked curiously. 

Kihyun nodded.

“Is it really big with all their members?” Hyungwon wondered. 

Jooheon nodded and replied for him, “it’s big, right Kihyunnie?”

Hoseok pulled his lips together and asked in an even tone “where did you sleep? Do they have guest room?” 

“No, I stayed with Mingyu and his roommate.” 

“Oh,” Hoseok’s lips fell into a frown and focused on finishing the last bits of his bubble tea, his lips pouting around the straw. Kihyun could tell that he was unhappy at the revelation. 

“We would’ve never thought to look there,” Changkyun lifted his head from Kihyun’s shoulder and stretched his body. He twisted around and held his hands in the air, sighing in relief. “But now you’re here and we should all rest. It’s been a long day for you, Kihyunnie.”

“We could all use some sleep,” Hyungwon agreed. 

They cleaned up quickly and refused to let Kihyun help at all. He argued but was secretly grateful. His knee had started to throb and the other bruises on his legs made everything ache. 

Hoseok refilled his water and helped set up his pillows just how he liked them. Two, one fluffy, one more flat, just on top of each other. He put his own pillow next to Kihyun’s with little space between them. Minhyuk and Changkyun shared a bed and curled up in the same blanket, while Hyungwon and Shownu shared below, sprawling out their long limbs. Jooheon got his own space near the TV and stretched out languidly, snoring minutes after his head hit the pillow. 

Sleep came quickly to many of the members but Kihyun tossed and turned, jostling Hoseok next to him. At one point he pulled off his sweatshirt, feeling too warm to sleep. Minutes later, he pulled at his blankets up to his neck for warmth. After watching his exhaustive efforts in trying to find a comfortable position, Hoseok sat up beside him and shifted himself to lay on his back next to Kihyun. Then, he curled Kihyun under his arm and laid his head gently against his chest. Their legs intertwined and he wrapped his right arm around Kihyun’s back, rubbing soothing circles to ease him into sleep. 

“Rest, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok whispered and he did. Kihyun wrapped one arm around Hoseok’s middle and his whole body relaxed. To the beat of Hoseok’s heart, Kihyun slowed his thoughts and calmed his mind. He was finally comfortable and warm. Sleep swooped in to claim him, but not before he heard Hoseok whisper, “never leave me again..” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Thank you all for reading and enjoying this fic. I appreciate every kind word, comment, and kudos. I hope you enjoy the conclusion. More notes at the end!

Kihyun wasn’t prepared for what would come the following day. 

Normally early to rise, Kihyun slept. And slept. And slept. He slept longer than he ever remembered doing, finding peace and darkness in his dreamless sleep. It was after that very long, deep sleep that his body ached to stretch and move. He cracked open his eyes, careful of the light and realized he wasn’t alone on the makeshift bed. Blinking open slowly, he saw Hoseok curled into his side. His usually neat black hair looked wiry and astray, splayed out on Kihyun’s pillow. Hoseok’s chest rose and fell as he still slept with an arm curled around Kihyun’s stomach. Their bodies lined up and curved together effortlessly. Kihyun couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well. As usual, it was Shownu’s soft snore he recognized from a few feet away. 

Kihyun blinked earnestly, eyes dry, and stretched out like a cat. His moving rustled Hoseok who mumbled something incoherent and wrapped his arms around Kihyun tighter, moving to lay his head against his stomach. From stretching his arms overhead, Kihyun’s shirt slid up and his bare skin provided soft padding for Hoseok’s head. Each little breath that Hoseok took tickled his skin and wanted to make him squirm. Fighting every urge, he tried to remain still as his best friend looked rested and content. Kihyun ran a soft hand through Hoseok’s hair then gently patted his head, a silent thank you for everything he had done for him. 

In the kitchen there was clattering and rustling. Kihyun could hear Changkyun and Hyungwon’s voices whispering near the stove. They talked together for a few minutes while Kihyun rested, still feeling Hoseok’s deep breaths against his skin. Soon, a pressing need to relieve himself became apparent. Gently pushing Hoseok to lay on the mattress, Kihyun shifted to push his hands off the bed and began to stand, his legs stiff and straight from sleep. He hopped a bit, testing his knee as he walked a few steps on the beds. Mostly soreness remained. 

“Wait, wait!” He heard Changkyun’s voice yelp as he hurried to him. Once he closed the distance, he held Kihyun’s arm for support. Fingers wrapped tightly there and others he felt at his low back. “Steady.” he warned him as Kihyun took a step on the wood floor. 

“I’ll be okay,” Kihyun assured him, not entirely sure it was true. “I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”

Changkyun insisted on walking him there and offered to wait. “Don’t even think about it,” Kihyun warned with a sharp tone that Changkyun laughed off and strode back into the kitchen.   

“Whatever you say, hyung.”

While Kihyun washed up, Changkyun and Hyungwon attempted to make special porridge for breakfast. Not ones to cook, they followed a recipe online but something went wrong when the bottom burned and the rest tasted bland. They contemplated starting over when Kihyun smelled the burned food from across the dorm and came rushing out of the bathroom. 

“What happened?” Kihyun asked as he approached. 

Changkyun’s face looked solemn and Hyungwon explained, “we wanted to make you breakfast but it seems it’s turned out this way.” 

They all looked to the half pale, half burnt porridge mixture in the pan. Hyungwon stirred the spoon through the mixture as if it would change the result. Around them, the counter was full of dishes and bowls and the mess they made. Kihyun held back a laugh and gave a soft smile.

“Thanks for trying, but maybe you should leave the cooking to me?” 

Changkyun proceeded to pout and turned to Kihyun and said, “you do most of the cooking. I wanted to do this for you. I need lessons or something,” his lips turned down and he fisted his hands into his long, baggy sleeves. “We couldn’t even do this simple thing..” Changkyun looked to the pan and then at the floor. “Sorry hyung,” he muttered sadly. 

“Hey, hey,” Kihyun took a few steps to Changkyun and turned off the burner in front of him,  ending their cooking efforts for the day. Standing in front of their youngest member, he put a finger under his chin and pulled it up so they were eye to eye. Being similar heights it wasn’t hard to do. “I’ll teach you how to do it properly someday, yeah? Then you can bring me breakfast in bed.” 

“Okay,” Changkyun chuckled and gave Kihyun a smile that peeked out his dimple. “What do we eat now?” 

“I’m not that hungry yet.” Kihyun pursed his lips, his words soft at the end. 

“The doctor’s said you need to eat a lot more.” Hyungwon blurted out and shrugged his shoulders at Kihyun’s confused stare. “They said it while you were passed out.” 

“ _Oh._ ” It wasn’t the first time they told him he was too slender. Or that he lost too much weight. Between all the stress, dancing, and lack of time to eat proper meals, it wasn’t a surprise. 

Hyungwon’s sweatshirt hung off his large frame and he kept the hood up, covering his unwashed hair. He softened his gaze and explained, “we want to help you stay healthy.” 

“I’m not hungry yet, but thank you,” he said again. Kihyun knew they wanted to take care of him and appreciated the gesture. It would still take some adjustments on his part to get used to this kind of attention and care to his condition. He would get used to it eventually, right? 

They accepted his words and went about cleaning up the kitchen. It had been a very long time since he’d seen Changkyun wash dishes or watch Hyungwon use a kitchen sponge. He laughed as he walked away ignoring every time they asked _what’s so funny, Kihyunnie?_

For the next hour Kihyun relaxed in Hoseok’s room and waited for their managers. Per the agreement they made at the hospital, Kihyun was allowed to rest and recover just with his members on the promise he’d have a big, serious talk with managers today about his condition. 

While it wasn’t his own bed, he made another deal with Hoseok who had finally awoke after the kitchen incident. First, he begged Kihyun to watch him in their home gym so Hoseok could exercise and keep an eye on him. After he refused, Hoseok relented as long as Kihyun stayed in his room. This was the first of many compromises he knew he’d make with all his members who were taking their job of looking after him very seriously. 

As he waited, splayed out on Hoseok’s comfortable pillows, he finally looked through his phone and scrolled through all the messages. It took several long minutes but Kihyun listened to each of the voicemails and one by one heard his member’s pleas become more frantic, scared, and worried. He wasn’t even at the last one when his tears fell, hearing the sad tone of Minhyuk asking for him. _Kihyunnah, where did you go? Did you really mean to leave?_

Even Hyungwon called and his slow words ached Kihyun’s heart. _Kihyun, we can’t find you_. In the final moments of the message, Hyungwon whispered low and desperate _I’m really sorry, I know where I went wrong_ and Kihyun felt fat, heavy tears from the impact of those words. The sadness they felt when they couldn’t reach him. How much they tried to find him.  

 _Him._ They tried to find him. 

He continued to listen to message after message, more tears falling as each one of his members voice pleaded through the phone. It was on the last message when Hoseok came in his room holding two bottles of sports drink and some pain killers. At seeing Kihyun’s tears, Hoseok hurried and climbed on the bed to reach him. 

“What? What is it?” He threw the bottles on the blanket and put his hands on Kihyun’s cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet. Hoseok’s legs straddled Kihyun’s stomach as he hovered over him protectively. 

Kihyun flinched and pulled away. His head laid on the soft pillows beneath. 

“What? Tell me,” Hoseok asked again, his concern growing His eyes gazed across Kihyun’s face taking in each sad line and wrinkle around his eyes, mouth, his small nose. “Are you okay?”

Kihyun wiped at the remaining tears. “Your hands are cold,” he told him truthfully. 

 _Oh_. Hosoek looked to the cold sports drinks and the condensation that covered the plastic bottles. He rubbed his palms on the blanket and said ruefully, “Sorry, Kihyunnie.” 

“I finally listened to them all.” Kihyun announced and gripped at the phone in his clenched hand. 

Hoseok pressed up and kneeled with both knees caging in Kihyun’s legs. “All what?” He asked as he slicked back his sweat-dripping hair. 

A few seconds of silence fell between them and their eyes locked. “Your messages. And I read your texts.” 

Hosoek looked down at the bed, eyeing the wrinkled sheets beneath them, hoping they would soon smell like Kihyun. Red bloomed on his neck, the tips of his ears. “You can just delete them. It’s over now.” It was an effort to act casual, unaffected. 

“Hyung.” Kihyun said slowly. He licked his lips and carefully thought about what he wanted to say next. 

“Here, I brought you this,” Hoseok pressed the sports drink into Kihyun’s hand and tapped the cap. “It’s your favorite flavor, the blue kind.” He looked proud at remembering the right kind. “This will keep you more hydrated.” 

Kihyun took the bottle with one hand and captured Hoseok’s hand with other. “Hyung.” He laced their fingers together. It felt natural since they left the hospital. No awkwardness, no secrets between them. They both knew Hoseok was trying to deflect. Kihyun opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by two large silhouettes at the door. 

“We’ll finish this conversation later,” Kihyun murmured quietly for only him to hear. He squeezed Hoseok’s hand gently before releasing it and pushed Hoseok off of him with a thud as he hit the mattress and rolled onto the floor. In a dramatic fashion, he got up and greeted managers politely before running out of the room. 

Managers and staff shuffled into Hoseok’s cramped room and sat on the floor in a circle. Taking a deep breath, Kihyun watched as all the familiar faces sat around him and stared. Not knowing where to start, he felt it was best to explain from the beginning and so that’s where he began.  

!*!*!

By mid-afternoon Kihyun was feeling stir-crazy and far too cooped up. His members were everywhere he went. When he got up to get water from the kitchen Minhyuk followed him. As he played with his phone on the couch Jooheon cuddled up to him and watched everything on the screen. Shownu often asked if he needed snacks or meals or any nourishment at all. 

He wasn’t used to so much attention. There was much more affection, too. 

Changkyun, who normally spent most of his free time in his room sleeping or producing in his studio, laid in bed with Kihyun after their managers left and talked freely about his family. There was a big project his dad was completing for work and his mom was thinking about getting another puppy. 

Kihyun listened and softly drifted off, drowsiness hitting him as Changkyun’s voice lulled him to sleep. Changkyun continued to talk as heard Kihyun’s breaths taper off into a steady rhythm. When he finished explaining the pro’s and con’s of getting a lab puppy over a golden doodle, he rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder and cuddled into the little dip there. Tugging on a nearby blanket, he pulled it over their lower halves to stay warm. 

There was a deep breath in and a deep breath out before Changkyun whispered, “You can’t scare us like that again, hyung. Please don’t leave again.” 

Those words awoke something in Kihyun’s heart that had been flickering. Despite being half asleep, Kihyun found Changkyun’s hand and put it on his chest. He held it there comfortably, hands and fingers curling to squeeze. “I won’t, I promise,” he whispered back. 

!*!*!

Kihyun was tired of resting. Tired of sleeping. Tired of feeling locked up in the dorm. 

After a short nap he convinced Changkyun he was fine on his own and changed into skinny jeans that fit over his bandages, a long-sleeve black shirt and converse trainers. His legs still felt stiff as he bent to lace his shoes. Remembering what the doctor said, he knew he could venture out if he took it easy. 

He was leaving no matter what anyone said. 

Peeking out of his room, there was a clear pathway to the door and no other member in sight. This was his chance. Softly stepping through the living room, he shuffled to their front door and turned the handle to open it quietly. 

“Where are you going?” someone asked behind him in an even voice. 

Kihyun’s heart rushed through his throat and he almost screamed. “Where did you come from?” He whirled to see Hyungwon behind him smirking slightly. Kihyun rested his hand over his shirt to calm his breathing. 

“I was in the kitchen looking for snacks,” he gave the most Hyungwon-like answer. 

“I’m just going to get some fresh air, I’ll see you later,” Kihyun said between heavy breaths. 

“I’ll go with you.” Hyungwon moved toward him confidently and put a hand on his back to push him forward and through the door. 

“No, you stay.” Kihyun offered politely. He stopped outside the door to make a point. “I can go alone.” 

“Let’s walk to the park?” 

Kihyun realized as Hyungwon walked forward and waved him to follow that he wasn’t going to win. He wouldn’t let that ruin his small bit of freedom. The air felt fresh and he savored each breath that filled his lungs. It was crisp and cool and clean. 

Hyungwon walked ahead as Kihyun lagged behind, his steps slower and more careful. The pain in his legs dimmed, but his right knee felt a bit tight with each step he took. He knew movement would help, so he walked on, taking in all the sights around them as Hyungwon led the way. 

It was early evening and Kihyun noticed families and couples rushing off to restaurants and browsing local shops. As usual, the traffic around them was congested with cars and buses and taxis. The sun, not quite setting around them, warmed his face so much he smiled, genuinely smiled every time he looked up. It felt so good for him to walk with no plan, no purpose, no reason. Yet this time he wasn’t alone. Hyungwon slowed his pace to keep in step with him as they neared the park.

They found themselves near the spouting water feature and sat together on a dark iron bench. For minutes they watched the water whirl up into the air in spits and streams, only to fall back down into the basin. Kihyun got lost watching it, mesmerized by the sight. Hyungwon felt soothed by the sound, closing his eyes every so often as if to clear his mind. Together, they breathed in the air and watched those around them who laughed and played. 

It wasn’t until Hyungwon scooted a few inches closer to Kihyun that he spoke. His voice came out loudly over the fountain water and the spring breeze that rushed past. “You and I couldn’t be more different,” he said slowly while leaning further back on the bench, “but it doesn’t mean I care about you any less. Or love you any less.”

Kihyun’s heart slowed at the affectionate tone he spoke with and the way it nestled inside him. He turned his head slowly to watch Hyungwon’s lips move, taking in his confession. 

“You’ll always be important to me. To all of us.” It seemed like words he wasn’t used to saying, but they were no less tender and carefully chosen. He clapped Kihyun on the back with his large hand then rubbed his shoulder softly. There were no tears, but Hyungwon sniffled and sighed before continuing. “I’m sorry we made you think all those bad thoughts. The truth is, you’ll always be one of the best parts of Monsta X.” 

Kihyun felt stunned, unable to say a word. His insides twisted with raw emotion and he bit back his tears. Across his back, he felt Hyungwon’s hand roam and soothe him, the touch warm and meaningful. He never knew Hyungwon had thoughts like this or ever felt this way. Especially not towards him. The members often joked they were like oil and water, not mixing well at times. 

“We really couldn’t do any of this without you,” he said looking over to lock eyes with Kihyun. For a moment, everything around them paused, even breaths and heartbeats. With an unwavering gaze, Hyungwon finished his apology and said, “Monsta X means nothing if you’re not a part of it.” 

It felt like minutes, but only seconds passed and Kihyun resumed his breathing with alleviating, deep breaths and silver tears that overflowed, splashing down his cheeks. Every word sunk deep within where he was craving it the most. Bit by bit, the self-doubt he was used to feeling was drowned out by feelings of belonging and worthiness and even  _happiness_. 

Hyungwon rubbed Kihyun’s back making a figure-eight motion over and over again. He reached up to Kihyun’s neck and kneaded the tense flesh with his long fingers. Each pass over the tender spots made Kihyun relax into the touch and process Hyungwon’s heartfelt apology. His tears had slowed and eventually stopped. They stayed to watch the fountain water spray up and splatter down with unrelenting pressure. Each time the water hit the wet stone tiles at the bottom, they were wiped clean even if leaves or dirt tried to linger there. There was always a chance for a clean slate. A fresh start. 

“Should we go home?” Hyungwon finally asked with a gentle smile and tilt of his head. He kept his hand on Kihyun’s neck, rubbing it softly now. The word home sounded reassuring coming out of his mouth. 

Kihyun nodded and responded with a hopeful smile. “Home,” he agreed softly. 

!*!*!

Back at the dorm they ate delivered pizza in the main room. Despite all the furniture back to normal, they sat on the couches and chairs and even the on floor, surrounded by each other. They talked and laughed through the meal, eating their weight in cheese and tomatoes and meat. 

When they finished, Hoseok followed Kihyun back to his room with silent steps and a tall, wide shadow. Kihyun flicked the light on in his room and the shadow followed him inside. 

“What’re you doing, hyung?” Kihyun asked as he pulled out a dresser drawer. In one hand he grabbed green striped boxers, in the other he held a white, baggy shirt for sleeping. Satisfied, he walked towards his bed still waiting for a response. 

“I missed you all afternoon,” Hoseok intercepted him from behind and wrapped muscular arms around his middle, placing a hand on each opposite hip. His big body and broad shoulders engulfed Kihyun in the most satisfying way. Bodies aligned, Kihyun felt hyper-aware of their proximity and dropped the clothes, not sure where to place his hands. 

“A back hug?” Kihyun laughed awkwardly but Hoseok held on tighter. His nose nuzzled against the back of Kihyun’s neck and up his ear. Softly, his tongue peeked out to lick the sensitive skin. A chill ran down his spine and he put his own hands on top of Hoseok’s and gripped. The larger body felt heavy and warm against his back but Kihyun knew deep down he’d stay like that forever if he needed to. 

He continued to think those thoughts until Hoseok’s tongue lathed at his earlobe until he felt a press of teeth. A few expertly placed nips and tugs had Kihyun moving his hands to his belly, pushing down the feeling of warmth that was beginning to spread. 

Kihyun moved his head, angling his neck to get away from Hoseok’s lips, teeth, and tongue. The maneuver failed and Hosoek took advantage of the skin at the nape of neck, clean and untouched, and continued his mission. 

“I’m eating you for dessert,” Hoseok explained between each gentle love bite to Kihyun. Every press of teeth was followed by sweet, soft kisses and soothing huffs of breath. Kihyun didn’t care how many visible marks he accumulated on his skin, not when every sensation pounded his heart and resurrected emotions that had been buried for far too long. 

Deprived, he must have been, for now everything Hoseok gave him he devoured and wanted more. He was soft and powerless against him but he knew it didn’t matter. There was a selfish part of him that would never ask him to stop. The selfish part of him that thought constantly about their late night kisses and cuddles. The selfish part of him that loved each bit of attention Hoseok doted on him. The selfish part that wanted Hoseok all to himself. 

“Hyung..” Kihyun whispered with no real intention to make him stop. His brain had turned against him and told him it felt good. _More, more, more,_ it begged. Nothing else made sense. 

Hoseok growled, the sound vibrating through his lips, and Kihyun felt it against his skin. His pace quickened, now frenzied. Arms wrapped around him tighter and Hoseok moved his lips across his shoulders finding any visible skin he could reach. Kihyun started losing all coherent thought. Hoseok lips found every sensitive spot and Kihyun fluttered his eyes closed and melted into it. He couldn’t stop the goosebumps that rose on his skin or the way he flushed all over. 

The torture continued as Hosoek moaned and breathed into him, lips stuck at this throat. As lips and tongue continued their quest, Hoseok’s hands roamed Kihyun’s torso, his hips, down his thighs. Kihyun was overwhelmed by touch and feeling and desire. He’d never felt anything like it. 

Hoseok continued his efforts and paused only brief enough to whisper, “I told you I would prove it to you..”

“What..” Kihyun asked through the haze. He blinked rapidly, trying to climb out of the fog. 

Ever since the hospital Hoseok had him going through feeling after feeling. He didn’t want to fight it anymore. Not when they played cat and mouse for years, burying true feelings and stealing late night moments when they felt brave. Things felt different now. 

Kihyun took a deep breath and turned around, Hoseok’s grip loosening just enough for him to move freely, then felt the weight of clasped hands at his low back. Their eyes held the same heady expression. 

Hoseok’s lips were swollen and pink and wet. “The shower, your body.. I told you I would prove to you that it’s perfect.” 

Oh. 

“What are we doing?” Kihyun asked softly, his eyes wide and wondering. He needed to know what Hoseok was thinking. _Is any of this real?_

“Should we go out for a ride?” Hoseok asked instead, still trying to catch his breath. His eyes brightened and the corners of his mouth peeked up like he had a secret. 

“A ride?” The question derailed all thoughts running through his mind.

“Yes,” he nodded and pulled Kihyun in. 

“We need to talk..” Kihyun pleaded and bit his lower lip between his teeth. Everything between them the last few days weighed on his mind. What did any of it mean? His feelings for Hoseok, the ones he always buried away, would he have to ignore them again? They were best friends after all and that was going to be something that he would never give up. 

But what if it all meant they could be _more_? 

Hoseok turned and nodded his head to the door. “We might get caught here, and I..” he pulled his lip between his teeth and gave Kihyun a look that had his stomach doing flips. “I keep putting my hands all over you. We should go somewhere more private.”

“Pri-vate?” Kihyun said brokenly, one hand rubbing the back of his flushed neck, the other splayed across his belly, now twisting and turning at the thought. His body was overheated and worked up. 

“To talk,” Hoseok nodded. “The idea came to me earlier, when you were out. I want to go on a ride with you. A bike ride,” he clarified and Kihyun felt stunned at that answer. 

“But I don’t have a bike,” he pouted. He did enjoy it whenever he had the chance. They all had memories of renting them when they toured in Europe and biked around the whole city of Amsterdam. 

“I want you to ride mine,” Hoseok said proudly. “Shownu is letting me borrow his. He never uses it anyway.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“So you’ll come?” 

Kihyun only nodded. “I should change first.” 

“Don’t forget pants,” Hoseok winked at him as he walked out. 

Knowing night had fallen, Kihyun put a grey zip-up sweatshirt over his shirt and put on a blue baseball hat. His black sweatpants would keep him warm, even if it was windy. They were thick and able to hide any situation that may arise. He now knew firsthand how quickly things could happen. During the few minutes he had alone, he willed his heart to calm and his insides to unwind. Everything felt haywire with his emotions and he needed to relax if he didn’t want to ruin the rest of the night. It often happened if his anxiety got the best of him. 

Opening his door Kihyun walked into Hoseok who was just about to barge in. “You’re not going to knock anymore?”  

“I-I” Hoseok stuttered but rebounded quickly, softly agreeing, “I will.” 

“I’m kidding,” Kihyun walked past him holding socks and Nike trainers and sat on the couch. Hoseok followed him, fully dressed in black joggers and a black wind-breaker. _Why does he have to look so good in those clothes?_

Hoseok kneeled in front of Kihyun and unlaced his shoes. “How do your legs feel? Your knee okay?” Hoseok’s fingers gently prodded his muscle and bones and felt around his leg, testing for tenderness. Kihyun concentrated as he felt each touch but shook his head when he felt little or no pain. 

“Knee is still a little sore..” he stretched it out before him, then put the leg back to the floor to lace his shoe. Hoseok did the other. “But I’ll be okay. It feels strong.” 

“Good.” Hoseok nodded and held out both hands. Kihyun let himself be pulled up off the couch.  

“Wait!” Hoseok shouted and ran to his room, then within seconds reemerged with a backpack slung over his shoulder. “Can’t forget this.” 

“What’re you bringing?” Kihyun’s curiosity got the best of him. 

“Necessities. Should we go?” his eyes were light with excitement.

Kihyun didn’t even have a chance to respond as Hoseok took his keen smile for agreement and pulled him out the door. He wouldn’t forget the tingling in his palm when Hoseok took his hand didn’t let go. 

Night had fallen and darkness veiled the city. Kihyun felt in awe as they biked through their neighborhood, past the park, and whirled past building after building in Seoul. Kihyun led the way at times then fell back when Hoseok pedaled ahead, beckoning for him to follow. It was a gloriously beautiful night in the city, warm with light and people and cool with spring air. 

To Kihyun it felt like hours before they stopped their bikes for a rest, finding a quiet spot in a busy downtown district. Lights ahead streamed and glinted against the shadow of night. Around them groups of people stumbled out of bars and continued on to karaoke and couples lingered on street corners before deciding to go home together for the night. 

Kihyun took it all in with Hoseok at his side. Bending over, Hoseok rustled through his bag and pulled out a water bottle, uncapping it and handing it to him. Their fingers brushed together as Kihyun grabbed it and took three greedy gulps. Water splashed at the corners of his mouth. Hoseok laughed and leaned into him, running a thumb across his lips to clear the fallen drops.

“Thanks,” Kihyun gulped once, twice, then handed the bottle back. Hoseok finished it in seconds and Kihyun couldn’t help but watch how his throat bobbed and the way his fingers gripped the plastic. He crushed it between his hands as he finished, smirking at Kihyun. 

“Like what you see?” Hoseok played with him. He’d been flirty, overtly so, since everything happened. Was this just him feeling guilty? 

Kihyun tried not to think too much into that idea.  Instead, he turned to his bike and held the handlebars, walking forward with the bike. “Let’s explore over here,” he waved for Hoseok to follow him. 

And so they did. The city was full of food and people and sights to see. Hidden under their caps and street clothes, nobody thought much about two Monsta X members who bought fried foods from a vendor and something sweet and sugary that was served on a stick. Kihyun didn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but there was something about late-night snacks and sharing them with Hoseok that made him break all the rules. 

Hoseok took bites of everything and they took turns feeding each other. His mouth opened wide for a bite as they walked and Kihyun paused to hold the hot spicy chicken skewer to his lips. With teeth and tongue he took off a huge bite and grinned. “It’s so delicious.” 

It felt so normal and fun to wander around and enjoy the city they called home. At one point Kihyun came to a halt, stunned by the beauty around him. It took his breath away. He stood still and looked at the rows of vendors selling food and goods in a market. All around him people weaved in and out to check out every fare. Sugary and savory smells arose from every corner. 

Ahead of him, Hoseok walked on with both bikes, one on each side of him, and wheeled them forward with a strong hand at the handlebars. Dressed in dark clothes and standing tall, he was a silhouette against the bright, vibrant city they called home. Kihyun groaned and desperately wished he had his camera to capture him in the moment. Sighing, he took a breath and caught up to Hoseok. 

Turning around at the approaching footsteps, Hoseok gave him a once over. “Everything okay? Still hungry?” 

Kihyun shook his head and the corners of his mouth fell. “I wish I thought to bring my camera.. I keep seeing things I want to take pictures of.” His lip pouted out dramatically and his dark eyes darted to the vendors around him. “We never get to see Seoul like this..” 

“Is that right?” Hoseok’s eyes lit up and he quickly asked, “hold the bikes?”

Kihyun stepped up and followed his instruction while Hoseok pulled the backpack around and opened up the main compartment. After a moment of digging through the bag he pulled out a large, black Canon camera. It was Kihyun’s favorite one. 

“Really?” Kihyun held out his hands to take it from Hoseok who looked very proud of himself. He smiled widely and excitement lit up his brown eyes.  

“I thought you might want it,” Hoseok explained. 

“Wow! Thank you. Wow,” he prattled happily as he put the camera strap around his neck and fiddled with the settings. “Don’t move!” he directed to his best friend. 

Kihyun rushed back to his spot a few feet away. He raised his voice so Hoseok could hear him. “Hold the bikes and look ahead.” Hoseok did. Kihyun angled his body and the camera perfectly to capture the light and the silhouette in front of him. It was a perfect recreation of his vision. He would be able to savor this moment for a long, long time. 

He snapped away and after a minute Hoseok laughed and turned his head. “Are you done yet?” 

“Okay, okay,” Kihyun blushed and caught Hoseok smirking at him. 

He found that he wanted to take photos of everything. Hoseok never complained or tired of their constant stopping and Kihyun’s slow pace as he attempted to get every shot possible. Most of the photos he took were candid and curious, snapping stills of the vendors and all the delicious food. He couldn’t forget the buildings and the skyline and architecture they passed. But most of all, he was drawn to the precious candids he took of the member beside him. The member who walked around with a permanent smile on his face. The member who fed him bites of tteokbokki and wiped at the sauce leftover on his lips. The member whose eyes lit up every time he wanted to show his best friend something up ahead. 

Kihyun realized was his favorite subject was Hoseok.

In those moments of realization, Kihyun couldn’t look away. It was then that he realized as much as he liked their adventures, he liked being with Hoseok more. It was easy when they were together. _It had been that way all along._

Now they felt even closer. Kihyun contemplated those thoughts and wandered aimlessly. He managed to fall behind, so behind that Hoseok doubled back after walking too far ahead. 

“Kihyunnie. Earth to Kihyunnie,” he waved a hand in front of his face. 

Kihyun blinked slowly and fixed his eyes on him. “Hm?” 

Hoseok put a hand to his cheek then reached for his forehead. “You okay? Are you feeling sick? Do you need water?” 

“Ahhh, I’m alright,” Kihyun pushed his hand away, belatedly thinking he could’ve held onto it instead. “Just got distracted.” 

“Should we move on? I want to show you one more thing.. It’s a few minutes away if we get back on the bikes.” His smile was sincere and excited. 

Kihyun nodded.

“Okay! Follow me,” Hoseok ordered. 

 _I’ll follow you anywhere._ The thought flew through his mind so quickly, so effortlessly, that he wanted to hit himself on the head for how easy it was. He sounded way too cheesy. When did he turn into _that person_ around their crush? Was Hoseok his crush? Or was this something else? It had always been hard to define. Kihyun tried to stop his overactive mind. It was a side effect of his anxiety. He was always thinking too much. 

With his feet back on the bike pedals, he refocused as best as he could. They biked further and further away from the markets, the shops, and sky-high buildings. The wind picked up as the night went on, kissing their cheeks as they rode mile after mile. Pink flushed their skin from exertion and the cool night air. 

Hoseok turned down a bridge and followed the river, the dark blue water black and shimmering before them. Slowing down, their bikes came to a halt off to the side in a secluded area, overlooking the river below. It was quiet around them, only one couple up ahead walking hand in hand. At this time of night the cars were few and far between, off in the distance at the road. 

Kihyun swung his leg off his bike and stumbled back, his knee suddenly soft like jelly. “Whoa!” he said aloud as he caught himself, holding tightly to the bike as he stood upright. After a few seconds, his balance returned. 

“Are you okay?” Hoseok set his bike against a metal railing and rushed to his side, holding one hand at Kihyun’s back to steady him, the other on his chest.

Nodding, Kihyun rested his bike in the same position and took a step closer to Hoseok, noticing how his hands pulled him in instead of letting go. 

“This seems nice,” Kihyun said softly, making sure he met Hoseok’s eyes. He didn’t know if this was good flirting but he wanted to try. The butterflies that filled his belly since they left the dorm had increased their frequency and wouldn’t stop as they stood alone and eye to eye. There was a tenderness radiating off of Hoseok that made his stomach do even more flips and turns. 

“I thought you’d want to take some different photos..” Hoseok pulled his hands to his sides and looked behind him. The river stretched far and wide, bustling down with a steady current. The night-dark water looked cold but still sparkled with the city spotlights reflecting in it’s surface. 

“Let me take some of you.” Kihyun asked in a soft, purring tone. He put his hands to Hoseok shoulders, turning him to open the backpack strapped to his body and retrieve the camera. “I’ll try to do you justice..” Kihyun winked at him, walking backwards to find the right distance for the shot. 

“Do you want me to just stand? Or look at you?” 

“Look at me,” Kihyun commanded in a strong voice as he adjusted the light settings and took a few experimental shots. After looking through them on the screen, he encouraged him to give a pose. 

“I’ll look silly..” Hoseok said as he threw up a peace sign, then put his hand in front of his face. 

“You look good,” Kihyun admitted honestly, snapping photo after photo. “You always do,” he  compliment. 

“No, that’s you. Every photographer we work with says you do a great job.” He shifted his leg and posed with the bike. He looked good at any angle. 

“Okay!” Kihyun walked back to him. 

Hoseok put his hands out and said, “let me take some of you, you’ve been taking pictures of me all night.” 

The strap of the camera hung heavy around his neck and Kihyun loosened it to put the camera back in Hoseok’s bag. “No, I don’t look good right now. Maybe next time.” 

“That’s not true you know,” Hoseok grunted. 

Kihyun tilted his head and saw that he was pouting. “What’s not true?” 

“You look good no matter what.” His tone was matter-of-fact. 

“Oh, well I don’t feel that I look nice.” Kihyun tried to explain. Behind him, he held onto the rail overlooking the river and leaned back, resting his back on it. He faced a determined looking Hoseok as the water rushed below.  

Hoseok put backpack down on the ground and moved two steps to stand in front of Kihyun. With soft, steady hands he put them on his cheeks, cupping them lightly. “These? Pale and freckled, your cheeks are handsome.” He moved to run a finger down the bridge of Kihyun’s nose. “Everyone knows that’s your favorite angle.” A thumb brushed out and past across his lips and it took Kihyun every effort not to pucker them in response. “These, now these are soft and smooth and every once and awhile,” he paused on the soft brown beauty mark right above his upper lip, “I find myself wanting to kiss you right here,” he leaned in, inches away. 

They shared two quiet seconds before Kihyun loosed a breath and rushed to look away. The fire was surging in his belly, the butterflies gone and replaced by a slow, slow burn that would surely wreck him.  

Softly, so softly Kihyun said, “you can’t say those things,” glancing at the rippling water. 

“Why?” Hoseok leaned in, impossibly close, and grazed his nose against Kihyun’s. He nuzzled him like that once, twice, then looked at him through dark, thick lashes. 

Kihyun forgot how to breathe. Then, as the seconds passed, all at once air whooshed out of his lungs and it tickled Hoseok’s neck. He laughed and pulled away with Kihyun reddening with embarrassment. The tips of his ears flushed with color and he tried to hide his cheeks with small hands. 

“Don’t be shy,” Hoseok crooned, his soft voice trailing with the wind. 

“I…” he started and paused, preparing himself to say what was on his mind for a while. “It’s different. The way you’ve been treating me, it’s just different,” Kihyun admitted. 

The words sunk in between them, settling in the cracks and crevices of the situation. 

Licking his lips, Hoseok pulled off his cap, ruffled his black hair then put the cap back on, stalling on his answer. “I know,” he finally replied. “I know,” he repeated. 

It did little for Kihyun’s anxiety to hear it confirmed. 

“When you left,” Hoseok’s voice was soft and trailing on the wind, so Kihyun leaned in to hear. “Something broke within me when I realized that you didn’t want to come home. That you couldn’t talk to me. Or any of us. That something was really wrong and we missed it all along.” Everything rushed out as honesty poured from his every word. 

“We’ve been so busy and working so hard, but that’s not an excuse. It can never be an excuse. And you’re my best friend. How could I not realize you were hurting, that you were struggling? We’re all brothers, but me and you? That’s different too.” 

The sky seemed to darken and the world around them faded as everything went out of focus except Hoseok and his lips. Kihyun stared with wet eyes and waited for him to continue. “I looked for you, we all did. I ran everywhere. I called. I knew it was no use.. But I didn’t know what to do. I knew we were too late, that you.. You were at your limit and we were too stupid to see it. We were too busy to stop and slow down.” 

Nodding, Kihyun felt validated hearing everything Hoseok said. With each movement silent tears welled in his eyes, some escaping down his cheeks and falling on his lips. He felt  understood at such a deep level and it felt good not to have to explain that part of himself. His best friend knew and understood him more than anyone and Kihyun would never forget that. 

“I blame myself,” Hosoek admitted. His words came out with a heavy sigh. “I slept in your bed and it smelled just like you. But you weren’t there. And It felt so wrong. I wanted you next to me more than anything. I laid there thinking every thought and running through my memories. All the best ones. Did you know you’re in every one? When I realized that.. It was like everything seemed clear.” 

A group of young students passed them on the sidewalk, loud and cheering from karaoke on their walk home. Hoseok paused as they passed. Together, they watched the ripples on the water until the world around them quieted again. Kihyun used the time to process every feeling running through him and held tightly to the happiness and relief that was there. 

“I knew when you came back I would take care of you. I need to show you how much you mean to me. I want to. I know the others felt that way too. You do so much for us and we took it for granted,” Hoseok looked down at his hands, a contrite expression on his face. 

“I’m sorry I made you worry so much,” Kihyun whispered between uneven breaths. “Your messages..” The wind chilled his skin but warmth spread between them. He shivered at all the sensations he drifted between. 

Hoseok noticed his tremor and put a hand to his side and pulled them close together. “Cold?” He tilted his head down as he asked the question again. Kihyun nodded back and Hoseok slid his arms around him and squeezed him around his shoulders. “Use me to stay warm.” 

They had so much left to say. So much more to speak about. But Kihyun realized they had time, so much time in front of them. They would figure it out day by day. 

Kihyun pulled his arms around Hoseok in a hug, his hands clasped at the small of his back. They stood like that for a very long time. His head rested atop Hoseok’s shoulder and there were soft hands roaming his back in so soothing a way Kihyun never needed to move again. There were no words he could think of to describe this peaceful moment. For once, he his mind was quiet.  

But it wasn’t long until other thoughts came and he untangled himself from his best friend and maneuvered to find the camera again. He murmured for Hoseok to lean in and look at the photos he took on the screen. Cheek to cheek, they scanned the photos in the darkness of night. Photo after photo revealed a story, the story of Seoul though Kihyun’s eyes. And the main character was Hoseok. Each photo had stunning clarity no matter the light or backdrop. Hoseok was almost in every one, smiling, laughing, smirking, or just doing nothing at all. 

Kihyun didn’t have pretty words like Hoseok did, but he could show him his feelings this way. He could try to communicate in another language. 

“Why me?” Hoseok questioned with pink rising in his cheeks. His eyebrows rose yet he smiled in a way that made Kihyun weak and want to confess everything that ran through his mind.  

As Kihyun looked from the camera to Hoseok’s face, teeth gleaming and lips wet, his question made him stop in his tracks. It was time for him to be honest. “When I see you through the camera I get a version of you that most of the world doesn’t get to see,” he admitted slowly. 

It may not be the best confession, but he was going to try. His thoughts were jumbled and disorganized. The cool night air revived his lungs and gave him the oxygen he needed to keep going. “The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way your eyes light up. I feel like sometimes,” he felt nervous and hurried through the rest, “You do it just for me. You show me this version of you that’s only mine. It might be stupid, or probably isn’t even true.. but it’s how I feel. When I look at you through the camera I sense it.”

Kihyun turned his head away, too afraid to see his reaction. Gripping the railing, he held on with tight fingers and tried to even his breathing. Hoseok remained silent as the seconds ticked by. Above them, birds circled and soared over the water, their small shadows gliding across the mirrored surface. 

The silence pressed on as neither of them spoke. Kihyun felt unnerved by it, finally looking up to see Hoseok staring at him, his mouth wide open. “Kihyun.” Hoseok took a step closer. “Do you know why I like it when you take pictures of me?” he asked directly. 

Kihyun shook his head. He didn’t know. Shrugging his shoulders, he slowly looked up and answered, “because I’m good at it?” 

“No.” Hoseok responded honestly. “That’s not it.” 

“I like it because when you see me through the camera, you see the real me. You see past the looks and the muscles and the charm. You’ve seen me at every low and every high. You’ve helped me get to where I am today. We were trainees.. and look where we are now. You see me. You know me. The _real_ me.”

Kihyun knew it to be true. Years and years they spent by each other’s side through all the good and all the bad. It wasn’t hard to see how their bond strengthened and just became _more_. 

Deep down Kihyun knew that although there were these nagging thoughts he tried to ignore that told him _you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve this, why would he like you?_ He tried desperately to block them out and focus on the truth and facts he knew. 

“I know what you’re thinking. You don’t have to tell me. You’re my best friend, Kihyun. Those thoughts you have? I wish you would stop. I know it’s hard, but let me tell you this.” 

Hoseok took a deep breath and his body shivered. 

“I may be attractive and work out to look good and I care a lot about our fans. But you? You are talented. So fucking talented with your singing. And you dance as well as any of us do. You love kids and puppies and your eyes light up at the thought of our monbebe. I may have a good heart, but your heart is so big and open and kind. You may think I’m too good for you, but I think you’re too good for me. I feel so lucky to call you my member, my best friend.” He bit his lip before continuing. “I-I feel so proud of you, Kihyun. More proud than anyone of us.” Hoseok’s voice cracked but he didn’t break eye contact with Kihyun once. 

“And I realized a long time ago that I think this way because.. because you mean so much to me. I know I’m greedy. I steal kisses and hugs and sleep with you some nights. And the next day I feel guilty knowing I don’t deserve any of it. Any of you.” Hoseok admitted, tears splashing at the corners of his eyes. “You may think you’re not good enough for me but you’re wrong. You’re too good.” 

Kihyun reached his hands up to softly wipe away the tears on Hoseok’s cheeks, nose, and chin. He pulled his face close, so close he only had to whisper between them. The words his best friend spoke disarmed him in a way that opened his heart and encouraged him to be honest, too. He wouldn’t let Hoseok lay his feelings out alone. 

“I hate to be a burden. I hate that I fell apart.. But there’s a small part of me that is glad everything happened. Because now we’re closer than before and you’re always watching me and making sure I’m okay. Your focus is all on me,” Kihyun smiled softly at the memories of holding his hand at the hospital and the way they cuddled as they slept. 

“For a long time I just wanted to be in your heart. To be special to you. But I know that was selfish and wrong. I can’t be in your heart in the ways that I want to be.” Hoseok opened his mouth to respond and Kihyun put a finger to his lips to stop him.  

“But lately you’re giving me so much and it’s hard to hold back. It’s really hard to hold back these feelings.” Kihyun put a hand over his own heart and leaned back, putting some distance between them. It was all starting to feel too much, too overwhelming. 

“Then don’t,” Kihyun heard in response, the words whisper soft and carried off by the wind. Hoseok repeated it for Kihyun and for himself. “Don’t. Don’t fight those feelings.” 

“What..” Kihyun didn’t know what he could possibly mean. His heartbeat quickened and it felt warmer between them. What was Hoseok really saying?

But it didn’t matter, not when Hoseok enveloped him in an embrace that shattered every bit of his irrational self-doubt. A hug that felt warm and right and smelled like fresh laundry and seemed like his best chance at happiness. It took seconds of stillness then Kihyun hugged back, gripping Hoseok’s wide, muscular back like he would never let go. He pressed his hands against him and held on tight, letting himself be swallowed up by Hoseok completely. 

In his mind Kihyun could only remember the word _don’t_  and so he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t hold in those feelings anymore. If there was anything Kihyun felt right now, it was more than worthy. More than loved. More than cared for. He savored every second of it with his head resting over Hoseok’s heart.

Between each minute they remained pressed together, promises and pacts were formed with every solid breath, each beat of their hearts now synchronized to the rhythm of the river. The water sang to them, a song of late nights and early mornings and new beginnings. In their own little world, they held onto each other for as long as they wanted. 

Kihyun wasn’t sure how long they stood together, arms around each other, heads buried between shoulders and warm clothes, when he felt the need for more. Pulling back slowly, Kihyun locked eyes with Hoseok who looked so calm and elated and handsome that he couldn’t help but press up on his toes and lean in, barely kissing his lips.

At first it was experimental with small pecks and questioning eyes. Once Hoseok’s lips curved up into a smile, Kihyun melted further into his desire and kissed him for all he was worth. He poured every happy, relieved, loving emotion he had into it, sealing futures and fates between them. Their lips moved slowly and eventually tongues collided. Kihyun breathed in every aspect of Hoseok from his soft, pouty lips and the way his tongue felt in his mouth. They had all the time in the world and kissed just like it, never moving too fast or too slow. Leaning against the rail, Hoseok held them up as Kihyun continued sucking on his top lip and explored everywhere he could with his wet lips. His hands roamed and settled on Hoseok’s strong chest. 

It was there that Hoseok put his own hand on top of Kihyun’s smaller ones and pulled his head back, a happy, shy smile on his face. “I can’t keep up with you.. I need to breathe,” he joked, slightly panting from their make-out session. 

“My lungs are stronger from all the singing lessons. I’m just fine,” he joked, pressing his lips softly against Hoseok’s again. “But I’ll give you a minute.” He rested atop his shoulder, looking out over the water. Both sets of arms wrapped around each other as if it were the most natural thing to do. 

“This is why we needed to leave. Pri-va-cy,” Hosoek emphasized the last word. His laugh reverberated against Kihyun. “You can’t keep your hands or lips off me.” Goofy, happy grins appeared on both of their faces. 

“Do you have a problem with that?” Kihyun drawled with his lips against Hoseok’s neck. He nuzzled his teeth against a tender spot and gave a soft love bite followed by a warm huff of breath and gentle licks of his tongue. 

Hoseok shuddered from the feeling. “No, no problem at all.” 

“Good,” Kihyun continued his teasing and kissing. He copied the way Hosoek drove him crazy, hoping he was doing the same. 

There was no wind or birds or traffic sounds loud enough that could cover Hoseok’s moan. “You can’t do that here.” 

Smiling wickedly, Kihyun felt a bit proud. “I promise I’ll behave from now on.” 

Pulling Kihyun back into his view, Hoseok gave a questioning look as they stood apart. “Where did this come from? You started it this time.” 

“Oh,” Kihyun replied, slowly understanding what he meant. Hoseok had always initiated their encounters and Kihyun felt too shy to ever do the same. Now that had changed. He spoke the truth as he felt it. “You make me feel safe and like I can be or do anything when I’m with you.” He shrugged. 

“God, Kihyun,” Hoseok wound his arms around Kihyun’s shoulders and pulled their bodies together again. “You are just so fucking cute.” 

Looking up through his lashes, Kihyun smiled and giggled before resting his head on Hoseok’s chest. 

“I know I say you’re cute or handsome a lot. But,” Hoseok gulped and took a breath. “It’s more than that. I get this feeling when I see you and you just take my breath away. My heart beats so fast.” An overhead light flickered off nearby, blanketing them in sudden darkness. “I can’t even look away sometimes. You’re so handsome. You’re talented. You’re everything. You’re perfect, really.” 

Kihyun sighed and settled in further into his embrace then said, “You’re all those things, too. And more.”

“Kihyunnie, you’re my best friend. And even then, you’ll always be just more to me. I can’t describe what it feels like.. I’m bad with words. ” Hoseok looked frustrated, clenching his hands into fists. “I feel, “ he paused and looked towards the ground, kicking his shoe against the pavement. He bit his lip. “My feelings are hard to explain. With you, I’ve always felt different.”

“More..” Kihyun tested the word. He heard the rest, but focused on that particular one Hoseok said, the same word he repeated in his own mind many times before. The same word they kept tossing back and forth. It fit. It reminded him of cuddling in bed and the warm tingling feeling in his palm when Hoseok weaved their fingers together. The sparks in his chest when Hoseok complimented him on anything he did. The way Hoseok looked at him when he sang, so captivated by every lyric and vocal. 

“You’re more.” Hoseok said with resounding confidence and clarity. 

Kihyun understood so deeply that a calm, peaceful feeling spread through him and settled deep within. There was noticeable relief from the turbulence and chaos in his mind. It was there, by the river in the middle of the night, that Kihyun decided to stop worrying about his past and only think about the future. 

Chest to chest, he reveled in the warm embrace and his entire body relaxed as he took in Hoseok’s scent, something like sugar and seawater and sweat. Kihyun stared at Hoseok from underneath his lashes and asked, “should I tell you what I think?” 

Hoseok nodded so fast it made Kihyun smile as wide as he could. Seconds went by and Kihyun took his time, suddenly lost in Hoseok’s sparkling brown eyes. Finally, he leaned in close and whispered without hesitation, “you feel like home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for your support. I wanted to finish this fic earlier, but as in most cases with all of us, life can get in the way. For a writer, stress and anxiety and depression and so many other things can be barriers. I am happy to have achieved my goal and seen this story to the end with the vision that I had from the beginning.
> 
> Monsta X has been such a bright spot and source of happiness for me since I found the group in 2018. I find true joy in watching them do what they love with music and be so successful as they go. Blessed to be in this universe as the same time as them and all of you monbebe. Let's be happy and enjoy the music together. If you want to connect with me or hear about my other upcoming fics (!!), please add me on twitter at @misslauren514. 
> 
> It's been a pleasure.  
> L


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